real life

Rosie Recaps Episode 6: He couldn't even wait for the rose ceremony to kick her out. Ouch.

Missed last episode’s recap? Get on that. Read it here. 

Finally! After weeks and weeks (well, a few episodes) of deviating from the familiar formula, tonight we once again open on Bachie Wood doing some serious work-out thinking. Look at that thinking face:

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Oh, and look at this thinking:

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Feelings feelings looking for love flex muscles etc feelings. Good thinking sesh, Bachie Wood.

Oh my,  TWIST! This episode is – GASP! – not going to be like other episodes! Tricky, Channel Ten, sooo unexpected and tricky. We’re told early on that Bachie Wood has come up with a brilliant plan to take three ladies on what he calls a ‘Groundhog Date’, which is his ‘I know pop-cultural references!’ way of saying that he’s going to take three girls on the exactly the same date. Wait, the same date? Or three dates that are the same? Ugh. Channel Ten, this feels complicated and convoluted and hard to follow. I don’t come here to think, damn it!

Where is glorious Oshie when I need him to explain things? Are you okay Oshie? Has Sandra Sully, the obvious Queen of Channel Ten, decided to punish you because of last night’s wind-related hair disaster? Are you currently chained to the hairspray machine to prevent it from ever happening again?

Okay, here is my attempt to break down what I’ve already decided will be this season’s dumbest episode:

Bachie Wood is going to take three separate girls on three separate dates except there’s a twist because the dates are actually all going to be exactly the same but the girls on the dates won’t know that they’re on identical dates to the other girls and the girls back at the Girl Prison won’t know that the three girls who have gone on the three dates are on the exact same date and nobody knows anything and won’t this be fun purple monkey dishwasher.

Jesus. I’m tired.

Next we’re informed that Bachie Wood has decided the three identical dates will be filled with ‘secret tests’, the purpose of which are to ascertain which girls are most deserving of his muscles and head. Yay feminism! I really hope one the ‘secret tests’ will involve him telling the girls he has crusty genital warts to see how they react.

And the lucky girls chosen for this exhausting episode of secret identical date tests are Ebru (seriously, who?), Bec and Jacinda.

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FIRST TEST:

Each girl is picked up in a limo with Bachie Wood waiting inside. The limo gets a flat tyre. The girls are judged on their willingness to help with the flat tyre. All the girls are good at fixing the tyre.

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Hilarious manufactured highjinks!

SECOND TEST:

Each girl is taken jet-boating to see how willing she is to ‘have fun’. Each girl has fun.

Seriously, you guys? Seriously? Was there like, an epic staff party at Bachie production headquarters the week this episode was filmed? Did 90% of you get a serious case of the runs? Why is this episode boring as shit? Can we just cut to the part where each of the girls finds out she was on a recycled date and starts crying while saying words like ‘BETRAYED’ and ‘TRUST’?

Ugh. No. There’s more ‘cheeky tests’ to come. Oh, you’re so cheeky, Channel Ten. This is such a cheeky episode filled with so many twists!

THIRD TEST:

A waitress openly flirts with Bachie Wood. Each girl is judged on their reaction to the waitress flirting with Bachie Wood. Each girl reacts normally.

FOURTH TEST:

As if competing for a man on national television isn’t humiliating enough, the girls are now forced to eat bugs and animal tongues to prove how adventurous they are. Each girl obviously acts thrilled to be eating fried crickets in order to prove she is indeed adventurous.

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Compete for a man and eat crazy shit!

Ugh. Don’t eat them if you don’t want to eat them! Fuck ‘adventurous’ – a producer has clearly done this to you hoping that you’ll blow chunks all over the table. As far as I’m concerned, you could be the best damn guy on the planet, but eating fried crickets is just like bum stuff during sex: NOPE. But that’s just me.

“It started to feel a bit like a test. Maybe he wanted to see how open-minded I was” – one of the girls whose name I forget. NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.

Missed a recap? Catch up here.

Episode 5

Episode 4

Episode 3

Episode 2

Episode 1 

And that was literally it. The ‘cheeky secret test dates’ are over. Here are the results of the tests, according to Bachie Wood.

On Bec:

“Bec and I have a real physical chemistry and… I definitely want to take it as far as it can go with Bec.” So… BOOBS. He wants to touch her Bec Boobs.

On Jacinda:

“In every way possible, I think she’s adorable.” So… in every way possible EXCEPT THE SEX WAY. Oh Jacinda, babe. Story of my life. The ‘adorable’ (ie not sexy) one who makes boys laugh but never quite makes their peens tingle. You have been FRIENDZONED, girl. You may continue taking your laptop to the toilet and eating entire blocks of cheese for dinner (ie continue living the fucking life).

On Ebru:

“We had some good moments.” So… In other words: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Back at the Girl Prison and – GASP! – each girl realises she has been on exactly the same date. Much shock/confusion ensues. “But what do you mean I’ve been manipulated on this reality show that I’m on?” “What do you mean none of that entire date I just went on while being filmed by 7 cameras was organic and real?” “I was never told when I signed up for this show that there might be unexpected TWISTS!”

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I DIDN’T SIGN UP TO GO ON DATES THAT AREN’T REAL.

“I feel so betrayed tears tears the trust is gone tears how can I ever be happy with my boyfriend when he treated me and two of his other girlfriends this way etc etc etc.” It’s not entirely clear why the three girls are so upset that their dates were the same. This whole thing honestly feels like a boring, staged beat-up. WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING IN THIS EPISODE?

The only girls who seem to understand that they are on a reality show and sometimes things happen on reality shows are Rachel, Sarah and Totally Laid Back and Cool Girl Heather. The rest have some SERIOUS thinking to do about Bachie Wood’s intentions, apparently. Because BETRAYAL.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!

Okay. So the editors are still really pushing this ‘Bachie Wood has BETRAYED the girls’ angle. There are lots of shots of everybody looking very, very upset, which I think is the editors’ way of convincing us that something REALLY BAD AND SHOCKING has happened. Except, um, we just sat through the episode, so we kind of know that it didn’t.

Bec is all ‘I can’t even look at him betrayed betrayed betrayed’ then he takes her for a walk and tells her she’s pretty and she forgives him for the REALLY BAD AND SHOCKING thing that he did to her.

He takes Ebru for a walk, tells her she’s pretty, and she also forgives for the REALLY BAD AND SHOCKING thing he did to her. (Is my putting it all caps helping? Am I making this even a tiny bit more interesting for you? Holy Oprah, I think I kind of feel like watching that cat show.)

Then, finally, some actual drama in this episode. Bachie Wood takes a crying Jacinda for a walk, and while she’s crying and saying how hurt she is, he breaks up with her.

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FRIENDZONED.

Wait, what? Seriously – WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS THIS EPISODE? How could they spend 80% of it concentrating on the identical date non-drama and then in the last two minutes just be like, ‘and oh, ps, Jacinda is so badly friend-zoned that she doesn’t even get a rose ceremony, she gets booted by Bachie Wood while standing on the front lawn. Kthxbye!’

He tells her what we’ve known all along: that she’s a great ‘mate’ but he doesn’t want her lady parts to engulf his Bachie peen. Ugh, that hurts. #friendzoneresidentsunite. But, he likes her SO much that he decided to make sure she gets a whole humiliating dumping segment all to herself instead of just sending her home in a forgettable rose ceremony like everyone else. Now we’ll all definitely remember the moment he confirmed he didn’t think she wasn’t fuckable. SO THOUGHTFUL BACHIE.

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“I really wanted the moment that I dumped you to be the highlight of the episode. You’re welcome.”

She cries, and like the friendzone expert that she is, makes him feel better about dumping her before being shoved into the back of a car and immediately escorted off the premises. Bachie Wood is so distraught at having to boot the least favourite of remaining 12 girlfriends that he goes back to the Bachie Pad without saying goodbye.

Oshie enters the Girl Prison, his hair in the most demure, ‘something sad has happened’ style we’ve seen yet. He informs the girls that Jacinda was too much of a peen repellant to even make it to the rose ceremony, so she was booted, Bachie Wood went home and the rose ceremony is off. He also tells me, personally, with his eyes, that he’s really sorry this episode was so boring, but everyone at Channel Ten got distracted by the fact his hair moved yesterday, so they just threw together some faux drama at the last minute and hoped for the best.

Someone had better flip a fucking table next week.

You should follow Rosie Waterland on Facebook right here. Also, she’s written her first book (which she thinks is quite humorous) and it’s coming out soon. Pre-order it by clicking RIGHT HERE. 

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Missed a recap? Catch up here.

Episode 5

Episode 4

Episode 3

Episode 2

Episode 1

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