Finally! After weeks and weeks (well, a few episodes) of deviating from the familiar formula, tonight we once again open on Bachie Wood doing some serious work-out thinking. Look at that thinking face:
Oh, and look at this thinking:
Feelings feelings looking for love flex muscles etc feelings. Good thinking sesh, Bachie Wood.
Oh my, TWIST! This episode is – GASP! – not going to be like other episodes! Tricky, Channel Ten, sooo unexpected and tricky. We’re told early on that Bachie Wood has come up with a brilliant plan to take three ladies on what he calls a ‘Groundhog Date’, which is his ‘I know pop-cultural references!’ way of saying that he’s going to take three girls on the exactly the same date. Wait, the same date? Or three dates that are the same? Ugh. Channel Ten, this feels complicated and convoluted and hard to follow. I don’t come here to think, damn it!
Where is glorious Oshie when I need him to explain things? Are you okay Oshie? Has Sandra Sully, the obvious Queen of Channel Ten, decided to punish you because of last night’s wind-related hair disaster? Are you currently chained to the hairspray machine to prevent it from ever happening again?
Okay, here is my attempt to break down what I’ve already decided will be this season’s dumbest episode:
Bachie Wood is going to take three separate girls on three separate dates except there’s a twist because the dates are actually all going to be exactly the same but the girls on the dates won’t know that they’re on identical dates to the other girls and the girls back at the Girl Prison won’t know that the three girls who have gone on the three dates are on the exact same date and nobody knows anything and won’t this be fun purple monkey dishwasher.
Jesus. I’m tired.
Next we’re informed that Bachie Wood has decided the three identical dates will be filled with ‘secret tests’, the purpose of which are to ascertain which girls are most deserving of his muscles and head. Yay feminism! I really hope one the ‘secret tests’ will involve him telling the girls he has crusty genital warts to see how they react.
And the lucky girls chosen for this exhausting episode of secret identical date tests are Ebru (seriously, who?), Bec and Jacinda.
Each girl is picked up in a limo with Bachie Wood waiting inside. The limo gets a flat tyre. The girls are judged on their willingness to help with the flat tyre. All the girls are good at fixing the tyre.
Each girl is taken jet-boating to see how willing she is to ‘have fun’. Each girl has fun.
Seriously, you guys? Seriously? Was there like, an epic staff party at Bachie production headquarters the week this episode was filmed? Did 90% of you get a serious case of the runs? Why is this episode boring as shit? Can we just cut to the part where each of the girls finds out she was on a recycled date and starts crying while saying words like ‘BETRAYED’ and ‘TRUST’?