Alright people, episode 4. LET’S DO THIS.
Oh how Laid Back and Cool. We open on Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather sitting in the sunshine and sketching in a hipster notebook. I bet she’s drawing sneaky peens to show Bachie Wood that she can just ‘hang’ and be ‘fun’ etc etc etc. Ahhh, I see. She’s planning her date. For those not up to speed – Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather was deemed worthy of the WHITE ROSE back in the first episode, which means she now has permission to take Bachie Wood on a date of her choosing (#girlpower yay!).
I’m kind of hoping that she just plans a wedding date and locks this whole thing down today. That, or locks him in a secret sex den where she can manufacture Bachie Wood Pube Loofahs for eternity.
She ‘sneaks’ off to find her man, and Oshie’s hair comes in to break the news to the other ladies.
HOLD. THE FUCK. UP.
Looks like Oshie was feeling some serious emotions last night. Some serious hair jealousy emotions. It must be making him uncomfortable that Bachie Wood is a legit competitor in the glorious locks department, so today he isn’t taking any chances. He just turned up in the most brilliant Oshie shirt I’ve ever seen:
DAAAAAYYYYYUM SIR! Look at that orange glow! Look at that suave ‘I make this look gooood’ face. I knew Queen Sully wouldn’t risk her most valuable asset looking like a #basicbitch! She really made sure he was bringing it before she let him out of the Channel Ten dungeon today. Your move, Bachie Wood.
Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather’s Totally Laid Back and Cool Date:
So she turns up at Bachie Wood’s Bachie Pad, and there’s much “Oh I’m so surprised!/I definitely did not expect to see you today!/This definitely hasn’t been on the production schedule for weeks!” etc etc etc.
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Obligatory ‘LOOK HOW NATURAL THIS IS’ routine out of the way, we’re presented with what feels like 15 straight minutes of the two of them driving around in a NISSAN CAR because I think NISSAN must be paying some money to feature their fancy NISSAN CAR and look how NISSAN smoothly it glides and how great NISSAN are those sleek interiors? NISSAN.
Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather takes Bachie Wood to a prop studio for their date, because she’s an ‘aspiring filmmaker’ by trade (ie waitress) and therefore likes to spend time on prop studios. Ugh. This is just as quirky and ‘I’m just a bit different and fun’ as I thought it would be. Lots of trying on costumes and giggling and this is of absolutely no interest at all. Take us back to the Girl Prison, I beg of you!
Yay! We cut back to the Girl Prison (thanks for listening, Queen Sully). The group date card has arrived, and Channel Ten uses that as an excuse to hopefully kick this #analglands hashtag off the ground again, by once more getting Dr. Anal Glands to say that all she’s talked about so far is anal glands. A bunch of girls get picked, including another one I’ve never seen before and will immediately be placed in the ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ pile:
Ugh all the girls who got picked are screaming and squealing like they just won some kind of man lotto. It makes me sad to see them so excited over a dude who’s making them compete on national television for his Tasmanian peen. I wouldn’t scream like that over a man unless I found out he’d be willing to let me starfish it when I’m tired. #jackpot
Back to Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather’s date, and she’s just SO QUIRKY QUIRK QUIRK QUIRK and COOL that she has designed them superhero costumes to wear for a fake movie poster photo shoot. Then she challenges Bachie Wood to a jelly wrestling session because that’s definitely just a fun Cool Girl friend thing and jelly wrestling has never in the history of this earth made any man think of sex. There’s losts of “Oh! I fell over! Oh! And now my lady garden is rubbing against your peen palace because this jelly is just so slippery! And now my top is wet with jelly and whoops! My vagina just engulfed your peen because of the awkward way we fell and I guess we have to get married now!” etc etc etc
Man, this girl is a fucking genius. Channel Ten have desperately been trying to convince us in the promos that all this ‘Laid Back Cool Girl’ behaviour is going to get her friendzoned, which means she is absolutely not going to get friendzoned. Bachie Wood is lapping her whole schtick right UP. His poor Tassie wood never saw her coming.
Next up, Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather invites herself to Bachie Wood’s Bachie pad so she can cook for him, and then they both start to have a really intense conversation with lots of meaningful looks about how Bachie Wood’s mum passed away and Cool Girl Heather grew up without a dad. And I know, I just know, that some smug Channel Ten editor cut this scene together and thought, “HA. Make THIS funny, Rosie Waterland!” Well, you know what? YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. You don’t own me! Can I LIVE? I shall spend the rest of this sad dinner-cooking/sincere and thoughtful scene focussing on something else of my choosing.
YAY it’s over! Bachie Wood asks Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather if she thinks they’re in danger of getting stuck in the friendzone, and Ten gleefully cuts to a commercial for all the dummies who think that’s actually possible after they jelly-sexed each other. Ugh, this is such a lame attempt at misdirection. Of course when the commercial is over he tells her that they definitely aren’t in the friendzone and OMG YOU TOTALLY HAD US ALL GOING SNEAKY CHANNEL TEN PLS SHOW US MORE NISSAN CAR.
They move to the love seat. He gives her a rose. They kiss and she is absolutely 100% going to win this whole Sparkly Hunger Games. Bachie Wood is clearly smitten, and she KNOWS it. Check out that look of satisfied victory:
Hats off to you, Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather, the ‘totally laid back and cool’ thing has worked. And you didn’t even have to bathe naked in VB or grow a beard to prove how boyish and cool you are. WELL DONE, SISTER. Now, just don’t let the facade drop until the final rose is in your hand. Then you’re free to drop the act and reveal that you’re actually a diva-esq hybrid of Mariah Carey and Miss Piggy, who loves to shop and hates beer and giving head. So basically my twin.
GROUP DATE TIME!
Shut the front door and get out of fucking town. The #HAIRWARS have reached NEK LEVEL today. I actually cannot even deal with this battle of stiff locks:
I’M DONE. I AM DEAD. DON’T SEND HELP BECAUSE I ALREADY DIED.
All I want in this life is for Bachie Wood’s hair to rescue Oshie’s hair from the Channel Ten dungeon, and then to have them run away together and live out their days at the Nice ‘n’ Easy factory. And maybe do weird sex stuff to each other with the hairspray machine. Seriously though – Bachie Wood is not giving up this war without a fight. I think this is the real story of The Bachelor Australia Season 3, and if not, I shall expose it, because #JERNLIZM!
Ah, awesome. The date is at the beach and the girls are being forced to compete in a bikini-clad thunderdome of death. They must complete a physical challenge that includes running into the water, then running back out again, and the girl whom Bachie Wood deems most worthy will get 20 minutes of alone time to convince him of her various peen skills.
Joni wins, because she just learned what a beach is and she’s frightened. Bachie Wood takes her to a special, private love seat approximately 7 metres away from the other girls, where she proceeds to frighten him by acting like some budget Oprah with waaaay too many ‘Eat Pray Love’ style thoughts about life. Here’e the thing with Oprah though: her platitudes only work because SHE’S FUCKING OPRAH. You know, the one true lord? Bachie Wood looks bored. Budget Oprah looks really deep in thought and very impressed at the profound things she’s saying:
She is definitely going home.
Speaking of going home, Dr. Anal Glands finally gets her second chance to talk to Bachie Wood and convince him that there’s more to her than anal glands, and the fucking girl brings up fucking anal glands.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is an example of someone trying to pull off the quirky, fun, ‘totally laid back and cool girl’ thing that Heather does, except failing spectacularly at it. You see, guys like their girls laid back and cool, as long as they stay sexy. Jelly wrestling is quirky and cool and sexy. Anal glands are not. And Bachie Wood has had enough of a lady saying such un-ladylike things:
I feel bad, because it was almost certainly some producer who convinced her that talking about anal glands would be cute and funny, and now she’s definitely on the chopping block with Budget Oprah.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Tonight’s Sparkly Hunger Games of Death see Bachie Wood giving Parmigiana a quick kiss on the lips (GASP!) in front of some other girls. It was clearly a set-up, since, let’s be honest, NOTHING INTERESTING HAPPENED IN THIS FUCKING EPISODE. But, I appreciate the last minute effort to drum up some drama. Except it doesn’t really. Other than Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather giving one of her crazy-eyed, ‘I’m definitely not laid back and cool’ looks:
She keeps asking ‘who’s messing’ with her and if she’s ‘the butt of some joke’. Um, babe, you’re on a reality show competing for a muscly man against 18 other girls – you’re the butt of the entire country’s joke. She calms down by giving him the poster they made on their date, and he says he’ll treasure it forever and can we please just end this whole thing now because she’s clearly won and if she doesn’t win I’m actually a little frightened by what she might do.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME.
Oshie’s hair informs us that TWO ladies will be
released from leaving Girl Prison this evening, which means it’s definitely going to be Dr. Anal Glands and Budget Oprah. Annnnd…
It’s Dr. Anal Glands and Budget Oprah. God this episode has literally had ZERO suspense.
They look genuinely sad. Bachie Wood pretends to look sad. Oshie screams with his eyes that he’s not getting fed enough to keep his hair its usual glorious self, before being dragged away by security. #SaveOsher
Next week – the girls put on short shorts and bash into each other, all in the name of love!
Missed a recap? Catch up here.