Q. My roomie has her boyfriend over ALL THE TIME and I’m sick of it. I reckon if you live with other people and you’ve got a partner you have to recognise that having them over changes the dynamic of the house so if they’re over every night it starts feeling like you live with a couple… which isn’t what I signed up for. Plus, it forces you to socialise when you come home and if you don’t you look like an arsehole when you just want to relax. I’m now looking at moving out because I don’t think I can say ‘don’t bring your boyfriend over’. Or can I?
A. Well, Kate. You’ve come to the right place.
And there are several things you need to do. Immediately.
- Cry but don’t tell anyone why
- Walk around with a spreadsheet and a pen and calculate the cost of everything he does, including but not limited to: flushing the toilet, opening the window, using the kettle, sitting on the lounge, turning lights on etc.
I gave it to you an hour ago. It’s overdue now.
- Pretend like he isn’t there and try and walk through him
- Ask him what cereal he likes to eat and then buy not that cereal
- Also shit in the milk
- Bitch to your mum about it
- Post about it on Facebook, where you’re ‘friends’ with both your roommate and her boyfriend. Make sure you’re not too specific, and leave out major details. When people ask for more information just respond “never mind…”
- Get a pet and train it to growl at him
- Go to his house and see how he likes it. Eat his food and use his products when he isn’t home. Scare him by hiding in his wardrobe
- Wee on your roommate’s carpet
- Start buying gluten-free bread so that when he has toast it’s not enjoyable
- Bring a cow home and say ‘this is my boyfriend and he’s moving in’
- Tell all your friends about the problem, but never speak directly to your roommate about it
- Call 000 and shriek that there’s an intruder in your house and you need help immediately
- Start drinking on weeknights and tell him to stop coming around. When you’re sober, tell him you were joking and then mutter something about how, “a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts…”
- Cry again
- Take a vow of silence so you have an excuse never to interact with him
- Start saying things like, “Did you see a woman in like a long white 19th century-esque gown at 2am last night? She was standing over my bed…”
- Go full Amityville Horror and buy a haunted pig
- Pretend you’re possessed and vomit everywhere and then spin your head around 360 degrees
- Order pizza and then go out so they have to pay for it when it arrives. Also, ensure it’s a pizza no one likes
- Tell them you’re having an exterminator come and they need to be out of the house for upwards of three weeks
- Start yelling that you’re worried you’re going to hurt someone
Or listen to this week’s episode of Mamamia Out Loud, where we discussed this ultimate roommate dilemma.