'Me and my husband were more like roommates than a couple. One conversation changed everything.'

Three years ago I didn't feel supported in my relationship at all. My husband and I were operating in our relationship like most couples do. He was working earning the money; I was with the kids and doing EVERYTHING else. We felt more like roommates than teammates. It’s not what I thought a relationship would look and feel like.

I kept complaining to my husband that I didn’t feel supported, and we kept arguing because he was stressed and already felt so much pressure. He thought he was supporting me by working, mowing the lawn, taking the bins out and helping with the kids when he could. He was scratching his head and so confused because he felt like nothing he ever did was good enough. 

Looking back now I understand why he felt that way because I used to believe that it was just easier for me to do everything on my own. Part of me even felt like I was more organised without him there. I was so hard on myself and put so much pressure on myself to get everything done while my husband was at work.

Watch: A Mamamia original asks how did you know your partner was the one? Post continues after video.

Then when he was home, I felt like he wasn't helping in the way I expected him to; I felt so frustrated and resentful. If I saw him sitting on the couch watching YouTube or scrolling on Facebook I felt annoyed thinking, "Can’t he see me running around on autopilot stressed out of my mind? How can he just sit there and relax? Why can’t I do that?"

I would complain to my husband, and nothing would change. I would tell myself stories that were keeping me stuck in this pattern of feeling unsupported in my life and relationships. Stories like "no one else can do it but me", "If I don't do it no one else will", "I'm the only one that can do it", "I can't rest until everything is done" and "there’s no time for me".

This only reinforced the unhealthy codependent patterns my husband and I were playing out in our relationship. It was like he was always just doing enough and I was always doing too much and complaining about what he wasn’t doing. Neither of us felt supported in the way we wanted.

I would sit up late at night folding laundry and finishing household jobs wondering if this is what a relationship really is? Is it normal to feel you're drowning under the stress and mental load of it all? Is everyone struggling with this? Why does nobody talk about this part of long-term relationships?

This was a really hard, exhausting and frustrating time in our relationship. Eventually I'd had enough and decided it was time for something to change. It wasn't working for me, my husband, our kids or our life. I sat down with my husband and I asked him this question; "What does love mean to you?". He took a moment to think and then said "Love means to be looked after".

In that moment everything became clear. We finally understood why I never felt supported in our relationship. My husband realised that the meaning he had created about love was actually recreating the mother-child relationship and I realised I had been enabling this pattern to continue to play out in my relationship. My husband then asked me what love meant to me and I replied, "Love to me is about growing together".

This moment and that conversation led us both on a journey of doing the work, re-parenting ourselves, healing and letting go of these beliefs that were not creating a supportive relationship.

Everything changed after that moment. It was a powerful breakthrough for us both. We had completely different beliefs about what love is and we had never communicated it to each other before then. Like many couples we just assumed we believed the same. This is never the case by the way.

We all have different beliefs and create different meanings about the same things. Neither is right nor wrong, or good or bad. What matters is whether that belief or meaning is serving you and helping you get what you want or not. If not, you get to change it because a belief is not a fact, and it’s not set in stone.

Together we created a new meaning for love and a new vision for our relationship. We both agreed that love is: "Helping and supporting each other to become the best version of ourselves". This meaning felt loving and supportive to us both.

After the conversation my husband asked me what I needed to feel more supported now. I said that I was going to try doing less. Not because I didn’t care about him but because I needed to start taking better care of myself, so that I had the energy to enjoy our kids and life together and could be the calm, happy, present, fun mum and wife I really wanted to be.

For a few weeks after we made the changes in our relationship we experienced what I call the 'messy middle'. This is where the old relationship is dying and the old patterns of relating are dissolving and you're learning a new way to be in a relationship together.

My husband felt like he was losing something. There was a part of him that liked our old relationship and enjoyed being looked after. But there was another part of him that knew the old way of relating was not serving either of us. I experienced a sense of loss too because I was so used to being needed and there was a part of me that liked the feeling of being needed (recovering saviour complex over here).

But the truth is we had to let go of our old relationship to experience a new one. In order to grow together we needed to let go of what was no longer working for us and welcome change. Yes, it was uncomfortable at times in that 'messy middle' but the discomfort was proof that we were growing together. Since that day we now sit down together regularly to check in with ourselves and each other to get clear on what love means to us depending on the season of life we are in and what we need from our relationship. 

We are now committed to constantly recreating our relationship through a process we call our 'relationship vision' and it evolves as we grow. The key to growing together in your relationship is to stay curious and continually seek to understand each other on a deeper level regardless of how long you've been together or how much you think you know about your partner, there is always more to learn about ourselves and each other.

Getting curious about what love, support, life and success mean to each of us has completely changed the way we relate to each other in our relationship. There is so much more understanding and I finally feel understood, supported, valued and appreciated. 

We both feel like we can be ourselves and have created a happy, healthy home where we are loved, supported and safe to be who we are. It feels like we are sharing the mental load of life, kids and work more equally and working as a team. 

Image: Supplied.

Many women share with me they don’t feel supported in their relationships and they have no idea how to communicate what they need. This can be really frustrating for their partners who often just want to fix the problem.

If you are feeling like they do not support you in your relationship or not receiving the support you need, this is a great opportunity to learn and grow together. First, start a conversation about what love and support means to each of you. You may find the limiting belief that is keeping you stuck and controlling the way you both love and support each other just like we did. If you don’t feel you have the tools and support to do this on your own, invest in a coach to guide you through it. 

Second, get clear on what that support looks like. Often our partners want to support us but they have no idea what we mean when we say "I need more support" because it's such a big, general open-ended statement. Men and women also think completely differently and communicate support in completely different ways. That is ok, we don’t need to be the same but we need to learn what these differences are and how to work within them. 

Having open and non-judgmental conversations in an environment where you both feel safe, seen and understood can be so healing and therapeutic especially if you get out of your head and stay connected to your heart. Every single human being just wants to be acknowledged, accepted, validated and understood in what they are feeling. If this is your intention, only good can come from this conversation.

This is your reminder that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship and it is completely normal to have challenges and tough conversations. All relationships take work and when you stop working on them, relationships stop working. Make the time to get to know yourself and your partner on a deeper level and have the tough conversations you have been avoiding. You could be one conversation away from receiving the support you need and creating the relationship you desire and deserve.

Aston is a Relationship Coach helping women to deeply communicate and connect with their partner and recreate their relationship after having kids. When Aston is not helping her clients you will find her down the beach, soaking up the sun, spending time in nature and spending time with her family.

To connect with Aston head to her website; or follow her on Instagram; and Facebook.

Listen to Sealed Section where sexologist Chantelle Otten discuss how we can reconnect with our partners.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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