This post originally appeared on 973FM.com.au, and has been republished here with permission.
Here we are again, the anniversary of my husband Tony’s death.
This is the second one and I am in a completely different place from where I was 12 months ago. So much has happened and somehow I feel like I have come full circle. The trauma has gone and so has a lot of the pain. My life is moving on and in the last couple of weeks I have realised that again, for the first time in years, I am feeling normal.
So where am I at… it is the only question I can truly answer for myself, because as with everything to do with the suicide of Tony, I can only share my story and let my three children tell their own to whomever, whenever they want. And I will never betray that.
Firstly I will say there are no tears this time. I am resigned to the whole experience and am starting to look at it as someone with perspective. I can see the pain it caused but am now choosing not to feel it in the same way.
So many people have asked me if it is getting easier and I can honestly say yes, in the last month it has, but the second year was far harder than the first.
When I sat here and spoke about it 12 months ago I naively thought that once I got through all the firsts and the first anniversary, the new normal we were creating would kick in and we could somehow get on with life.
What a mistake. In the last year my boys have had their own Everest to climb as a direct result of their anger and grief and watching them struggle so desperately when there was nothing I could do was devastating.
But I have always said and believed that it takes a village to raise a child and I have established a strong village around my boys with people who have stepped up for them continuously.
From Joe, my 14-year-old Lewin's godfather, who has cheered him on at every soccer game and is taking him to Melbourne to see their two AFL clubs battle it out in the semifinals, to Dash who constantly calls and cares and is my eldest Fin's mentor. Jimmy who is teaching Fin the guitar, to Peter who is helping him to learn to drive. There’s Julian who is taking my youngest camping over the holidays and finally Dave who is just there any time I need.
Solid decent men and friends of Tony's who are stepping up in the way he would want and we need. They are offering my boys guidance, support and that male energy as they go through their teenage years.
Then there is my posse of besties - Alex, Vanessa, Fi, Mel - just to name a few. You know who you are. Then there is my mum, Julie, and sister, Pippa, who continue to love, bully and support me through every nuance of single mother doom.
LISTEN: Robin Bailey speaks to Mia Freedman about the loss of her husband on No Filter. (Post continues...)
It has been so hard fought as I struggled to keep my head above water through plagues of rats, wayward child care issues, damaged cars, forgotten bills and a mountain or paperwork that I am only just starting to get my head around.