My genius observation is this: Dating is the EXACT same as eating an avocado.
And no, not only in the ‘both are ridiculously expensive’ way. Avo and dating are the EXACT SAME IN EVERY SINGLE SCENARIO EVER. So prepare your lady/man brains to be obliterated, and to crown me as your Holy Leader forevermore.
Here are the six similarities between avocado and relationships:
1. You committed too early.
You knew in your soul that when you cut into that avocado it wasn’t ready. You pushed it too fast, too soon. Even after feeling the hard exterior of its shell you decided to go forth anyway. Horrid move, pal. HORRID move.
Big effing mistake, because your avo was hard and totally unresponsive to your efforts. And don’t even try to talk your way out of this one because you're totally at fault. You freaked the poor, unready avo out, and now it’s going to make you pay for it by being a watery, unmashable mess.
2. You're a commitment-phobe.
You were too scared to commit and now you’ve left it too late. The avo was sitting there on your benchtop, being pretty and soft and vulnerable and all it wanted was to be yours. But you missed your window of opportunity. The best avos don’t wait for long. They never do.
You flirted with the idea of eating the avo for lunch, but then you went and opted for an unhinged chia pudding that plays guitar for an indie band instead. Your reliable, emotionally-available avocado felt betrayed. It didn’t like your game-playing antics.
It’s sad really, because your wanky, (likely unemployed) chia pudding wasn’t as satisfying as you thought it would be and you really wish you followed through on your promise to the avocado.
Now you are sad and alone and only have yourself to blame.
3. It’s not good for you. It’s actually really, really bad.
OK, so you’re dating guacamole. And let’s all be honest here, you knew Guac was trouble from the get-go. You love the taste of it, but Guac keeps leading you to eat sour cream and cheese and nacho chips (which are unhealthy AF). ‘Guacamole is just fun!’ you say, ‘
He’s It’s* just young and enjoying life!’. You keep telling yourself that it’s just some harmless guacamole, and that guacamole is really a good guy fruit once you get to know him it.
The final straw is when guacamole cheats on you on New Years Eve (confession: we may or may not be getting slightly personal here). You then realise that you only went to guacamole because you felt bad about yourself and you found comfort in
his SORRY its* salty smooth embrace. Sometimes you miss eating guacamole, but not really because Guac was just an asshat.
4. You tried to change them.
So you went into this avocado with great hopes. From the outside, it was a great consistency, everything just felt right. But THEN you peeled back the avo’s outer layer and saw its insides, and Oh My Lord this avo’s insides are weird. Really freakin' weird.
Like, this avo is into quirky fetish sex stuff and insists on you dressing up like an Ewok when you do the business. Also, this avo’s flesh is covered in weird specks of grey. This grey Ewok stuff is not what you had envisaged at all when you first committed. You try to make it work, and you try to remove the grey areas and slowly stop dressing like an Ewok, but its weirdness runs so deeply there’s just no saving it. The Ewok fetish and gross grey specks are parts of the avo.
5. You’re not ready.
You’re constantly hearing people talk about how good avocados are. Your friends are all avocado-crazy, and you just don’t get it. Whenever you try one out, it tastes funny. You have no idea what all the fuss is about, and why people are willing to spend so much time and money on this weird, pretty-much-tasteless food. That’s okay, it’s something you’ll probably grow to want in a few years’ time, and if you don’t that’s totally cool, some people will never want an avo, that’s OK! Maybe you’re A(vocado)Sexual?
6. You’ve found the one.
My God you’ve done it. You’ve actually done it. You trawled the aisle of Woolies for weeks and you finally found what you were looking for. You’ve secured the perfect avocado. This is what dreams are made of. You rush home and immediately take pillow selfies with your avo. You hold hands with your avo by the ocean. You take photos of you and avo doing nose-kisses and immediately post them to Instagram.
This avo is just as perfect on the inside as it is on the outside, and it’s ALL YOURS. It goes great with everything, and it’s so easy to blend into your
lifetoast. This is what dreams are made of. This avo has shown you that love DOES exist.
There’s just one thing, though. You’re fully aware that this avocado, as great and perfect as it is, isn’t THE ONLY avocado for you out there. Like, sure, you found this avocado and that’s great, but you also know that there’s definitely an avocado that’s just as good – hell maybe even better – across the globe living in Istanbul or something. Come to think of it, there are probably thousands of avos who you could be just as happy with! Soooo wait a second… this avo isn’t even your soulmate. Shit, soulmates don’t even exist.
You break up with Perfect Avo, and you go travelling across Europe with four of your closest mates instead because NOBODY IS GOING TO HOLD YOU DOWN so you’re gonna go to Istanbul and maybe have a fling with European Avo and REALLY LIVE.
OKAAAAAY THIS ANALOGY HAS GONE WAY TOO FAR.
I’ll leave you with this very important lesson:
Relationships = avocado.
Watch Mamamia staff reveal their most crushing rejections: