real life

How to recover from a divorce, from people who know too well.

Divorce is without a doubt one of the most painful experiences we could ever experience. What we learned from speaking with people going through a divorce or having been divorced previously, healing and recovering is possible.

Grief

Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. Author Unknown

I haven’t moved on enough yet, I’m still heartbroken. I just do what I have to do to keep us functioning as a family as best I can.

Shock, dismay, anger, disbelief, why me ?… the words and phrases constantly haunt you even several years after the day I last saw my family.

When you knew your relationship was over. Article continues after this video.

I wanted to just go deep inside myself and be sad. My friends wanted me to come out and have fun but I always felt like I needed to do this by myself and in my own time. He was constantly on my mind.

Oh man it was so hard. It still is.

I focus on other things. Being a single parent keeps you busy enough. Don’t go out much either as money is tight. I think its survival mode for me.

It would be easy to fall into a very sharp decline and go to a very dark place.

Exploration

Divorce is a time of change. It really rocks a foundation of most people’s lives. When we have our heart broken or our dreams taken away from us, it is a time of growth and change.

My instinct was to hide. Then I decided to say “yes” to everything.

Image: It's Complicated, Universal Pictures
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I started to collect all these quotes that I found inspiring. And I started reading more! I just felt really powerful being able to do my own things, like changing a light bulb or other tasks he would normally have done.

Oh I took control of my money and bought a Harley lol, always wanted one so that makes me feel good when I ride it. My eldest gets me into his gym and rides me!

The challenge for me was how do I re invent myself? I was still relatively young and could not envisage a future life of being a lone, single male.

I started spending more time with my friends, doing things for me like joining the gym. I wanted to focus on me.

The biggest thing I did was get my bike license. That was the first big change. That opened me up to a whole new social circle of no one that knew my past or I had mutual friends with. So I basically got all brand new friends. 

Growth

The key to ultimate happiness and fulfillment lies within our own transformation. The more we learn and grow and evolve as individuals, the more we will find happiness and satisfaction in relationships, work and life.
Kristi Bowman

I changed my job. This was more through necessity rather than choice bc I was working from home and when we split I couldn't afford to support myself. But again, it helped me get into a different head space. Change was good. I met people and made friends. A new challenge took my mind off things.

First thing to do was to find somewhere to live, reconcile the ownership of the family home, and then try to find a new place to re launch my life. Next thing I did was take care of myself.

Over 18 months I lost 18kgs. No thoughts of all at finding someone else, just to get myself back in order. That loss of weight, re thinking where I wanted to head in the future, what I'd learned from the experience, helped raise my self esteem at a time when it was hard to face a new day without being haunted by what had taken place.

I moved house and away from the suburbs we were living in. That was hard but I moved for good reasons. I got to live on acreage with my horses. It hurts my heart to go back to the beaches now bc it brings back so many memories and feelings.

Dating

What we wait around a lifetime for with one person, we can find in a moment with someone else.
Stephanie Klein, Straight Up and Dirty

I tried dating but it just felt wrong. I hope things will improve soon.

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Friends encouraged me to go on line, seek out and see if that special person may be there. I was so hestitant.

Image: Eat, Pray, Love, Columbia Pictures

It's just as big a step for a male than it is for a female to share your past, your current life and hopes for the future with a complete stranger who often is no more than a picture on an email. All I can say it was the best thing I did.

I really should have given myself more time. I wouldn't recommend jumping into anything. But in saying that I'm still with the person I first dated in the aftermath! But it's been hard on him to because he knows how much turmoil I've been through. But he's hung in there.

Living

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Dalai Lama XIV

I still had my very close friends and family (the ones on my side as it were). But I completely changed my social circle through bikes. I've met some amazing people I can now call close friends. And none of them knew me as being married. So for them it's weird for them to think that I was.

But I had a new job, new friends and new house. Not to say it made things easy, it certainly didn't. But now the pain is easing I can reflect on all the changes I made and see they've brought me to where I am now.

I've met him since and even he says, "You are so much more powerful now." I feel like coming out of that, I know how to identify things and would approach issues in a completely different way. And if it doesn't work, I would just try to move on quicker and not try to change anyone else."

Today things are amazingly better in my life. I'm a very happy person and have been able to move forward by placing the passed behind me. And yes, the person I have in my life will now be my soul partner of the future.

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