This post deals with abuse and might be triggering for some readers.
Not just chubby, or curvy, but technically morbidly obese.
My physical presence demands attention whether I am seeking it or not. Some find me repulsive.
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What is my evidence that others find my mere existence repulsive?
How about the man on the plane next to me texting his partner about how awful it was that he had to sit next to a ‘fatty’ and the witty exchange that followed.
Or walking into a clothing store to buy some cute earrings when the assistant approached me to save me the awkwardness of trying on clothes by telling me that nothing in the store could possibly fit me.
Or my ex-boyfriend telling me that no other attractive man would be seen dead walking down the street holding my hand.
Or the tinder match who, when I turned down his offer of a ‘mind-blowing’ night together, informed me that I was 'a disgusting fat c**t anyway who he was only offering to pity f*ck’.
Or never being able to wear the dressing gown at day spas and having to awkwardly leave the dressing room still in my own clothes because they are too small.
Or the way fat people are depicted in movies or TV shows. If they are presented as endearing in any way at all it is because they are the funny character, otherwise they are usually the character that makes you cringe in disgust. I could go on and on.
All these experiences, among others, wear me down and make me feel like a horrendous, invalid use of space.
How audacious of me to exist. I get it.
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People look at me and they are scared that they could turn into me. People also look at me and they presume.