“Tonight’s gone horribly wrong.” The Real Housewives fight that left the women “mortified”.

No one’s yelling yet and we feel weird about it.

It’s too… quiet.

Matty and Krissy are at the polo which we absolutely did not know was a thing that happened in this country. They both enter the ‘V.I.P’ booth and we know this because they repeat it 26 times, which doesn’t seem like a very V.I.P thing to do but whatever.

Over on a mountain top in Bondi (?), Athena is dressed in a white getup which probably cost more than everything we’ve ever owned. Sad music is playing because, well, it’s Athena, but mostly because she’s meditating.

She meditates for 45 seconds before Lisa comes running across the rock with alcohol. Lisa is literally the opposite of meditation.

Joshua Britt and Jessie Stephens recap The Real Housewives of Sydney. Post continues below. 

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“I’ve never tried meditation,” Lisa tells the camera. “I’d rather shove glass into my rectum.”

We are very angry and disappointed at ourselves that this is the first time we’ve ever heard that expression, and we promise to use it at least three times this week.

She continues to whip out the pre-prepared one liners… but we don’t hate it. “I prefer to medicate than meditate,” she tells Athena, who is very excited that her quiet session has been interrupted with gossip. Because if there’s one thing Athena likes more than meditation, it’s yelling in people’s face “YOU’RE A FAT GIRL.” Her hobbies are so diverse.

"I'm practicing my meditation mantra."

Lisa tells her exactly what happened last week at Victoria's Wrinkles Schminkles charity event, which raised money for the Victor Chang Institute.

The Lavendi necklace Athena donated was publicly mocked, and despite it being worth $3500, bidding started at $50.  Joh Bailey who ran the auction, referred to the "small" and "tiny" diamond, and made reference to how much Victoria hated it.

Hehehe... how funny is it when personal fights get in the way of funding for heart disease. Heheh, good one.

NO. THAT'S NOT A THING.

Athena throws her head back dramatically and says, "sewerage is more clean than their mouth and their emotions," and legit these women are much better with words than we are. They should be writing these recaps. 

Back at the polo, Victoria has arrived and announces that her son, Austin, is at rowing camp (because of course he is) and therefore she plans to get drunk AF.

They're all drinking what they refer to as "French champagne," which is unnecessary given it makes about as much sense as saying "wet rain". All champagne is French even we know that and we can barely afford goon. Jesus.

The three women discuss Krissy's 'INAUGRIEAL' dog walk charity event tomorrow, and honestly, it's like they're trying to out do each other with charity.

EXCUSE US PLS.

It's the morning of the goddamn inaugrieal charity dog walk but Victoria unfortunately cannot make it as she is too hungover from the polo.

We challenge you to come up with a greater First World Problem than that.

At the dog walk Melissa invites Athena on their upcoming trip to Singapore, and even we know that's a bad idea. She's going to start shit because she simply cannot help it.

I can't help but yell...

OH. THERAPY.

Lisa Oldfield is speaking to a therapist about the issues she's having in her marriage.

Her husband isn't there, which, like... we don't mean to judge... but we thought that was a part of marriage counselling.

Anywho, it's probably for the best he isn't there, given that Lisa opens with, "We went out to dinner the other night, and after we talked about the kids, there was nothing left to talk about. I was sitting across from him thinking 'I f*cking hate you'". Oh. Oh okay.

In the same tone you'd say, "he doesn't unstack the dishwasher," Lisa says she often thinks, "I f*cking hate you just die."

Cool.

"I'm a thrower," she explains, as though that's a thing you can be.

I throw knives!

"I throw things. I react violently," she tells the therapist, who is legitimately traumatised by this consultation.

Eventually the therapist tries to convince Lisa that she doesn't hate her husband, she just feels grief/sadness/exasperation, but Lisa most definitely is not convinced.

NOW THEY'RE OFF TO SINGAPORE. Because who isn't able to just duck off for Singapore for a week when they have full time jobs/families/mortgages etc.

They're all going because Melissa has a photoshoot, and no matter how closely we listen, we still can't work out what it's for. Something about some dudes memoir. It sounds... made up.

Anywho, they arrive on set and Melissa is given an enormous sheet to wear.

"I'm thinking 'I STARVED MYSELF FOR THIS'", she says to the camera, and we all laugh because casual eating disorders are hilarious. 

I WANT 40 CHICKEN NUGGETS.

Her work is finished two minutes later, and now there's seven women who borderline hate each other in Singapore. Damn.

They decide to go out for dinner, but Lisa has food poisoning, probably because someone poisoned her food. Nonetheless uncontrollably pooing and vomiting would be far better than the night that is about to unfold.

Athena wants to start shit with Victoria. Obviously. She even confides in Krissy that that's her plan. 

"Let's just have a nice night," Nicole says, which is the stupidest thing we've heard all season. They all regurgitate meaningless crap about how, "they've had their differences," but bla bla bla clearly this show follows the same formula every week we know you're about to fight just be upfront about it. 

"What were you two talking about out there," Matty asks, in reference to 10 minutes ago when Athena said she wanted to 'confront' Victoria.

It escalates from there. It's entirely unclear what the fight is about. Something to do with Athena thinking Victoria thinks she speaks too much, and Victoria's all like "yeah I do," and then Athena's like "No I don't and let me tell you 110 reasons why." It's great.

WOOHOO.
WOOHOO.

Victoria (the woman who only weeks ago threw an item of Athena's clothing in Sydney harbour), decides to give Athena a lesson on ethics, and explains, "You just don't put women down..." which is frankly a ridiculous thing to say on a television show that literally just depicts women yelling at each for an hour every week. This is not good for women, pls. 

"Someone at your age, you should be inspiring me," Athena responds. "I should be looking up to you Victoria and thinking I want to be like Victoria at 50," and omg this just keeps getting better.

People start telling Athena to calm down because, well, she looks like she's about to kill a number of human beings.

I.
KILL.
YOU.

"YOU NEED TO DO SOME MORE CHARITY WORK BECAUSE YOUR SOUL IS IN THE GUTTER," she screams, which we think is her way of saying "You were very mean about me at your charity auction even though I donated jewellery." Oh, yes. Very well said Athena.

Nicole starts freaking because they're in a nice restaurant and everyone is wailing.

"You don't even work," Victoria says. "You're at home mopping."

"Get a cleaner and go to work," she concludes.

Oh. But... but Victoria. We could have sworn only moments ago you said something about how you should never put down other wom... nevermind.

Matty then says that not even the war between Iran and Iraq was this bad, because, "even they had days that the country was at peace."

We don't know what's worse. That everyone is yelling in public. Or that Matty just said it was worse than a war that killed, like, a lot of people.

"I'm not going to listen to this f*cking bitch anymore," Victoria says, before throwing her serviette in Athena's face.

Women, pls.

Athena then throws a full glass of water at Victoria, and manages to wet every woman at the table.

Victoria is yelling about how she needs her handbag, and 100 per cent a producer has hidden it.

Nicole stands up and says "Grown women fighting like this is ridiculous... I am embarrassed to be anywhere near you girls," but what she doesn't realise, is that she is also yelling, and thus contributing to the embarrassment.

The rest of the women, who have been fighting in public for eight weeks now, throw around words like "appalling" and "mortifying", and leave in a hurry.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

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