This show is the weirdest thing that has happened in either of our lives and we love it.
We open on Krissy at Victoria’s apartment on Bondi beach, bitching about the “fully hectics” who are laying all over their beach.
There is nothing better than people who live in Bondi, and who spend most of their lives talking about how they live in Bondi, who then complain how many people are in Bondi.
Joshua Britt, Jo Abi and Jessie Stephens recap The Real Housewives of Sydney on the latest episode of The Recap. Post continues below.
YOU DON’T OWN BONDI BEACH. You can’t live on the most iconic beach in the Southern f*cking hemisphere and then complain about how many people are there all the time. EUGH.
About 50 metres down the road (because they all live legit within about a kilometre of each other) Athena has decided she is going to give Melissa a makeover.
To be clear, Athena is the one who last week wore a cape so hideous, Victoria was forced to dispose of it in the ocean.
Furthermore, if any of our friends ever suggest they give us a “make over”, we vow to punch them in the boob.
Melissa attempts to speak to Athena logically about her behaviour the night before.
“You seemed overly sensitive,” she reasons.
But Athena is having precisely none of it. She only speaks about her life in tortured war metaphors, and explains to Melissa that she was "under seige". Cool.
"I could have gone to the police and put in a report against her," she says.
That would have been frankly ridiculous. There are real crimes being committed such as assault/theft/murder etc. How do we put this? Your... your cape doesn't mean sh*t.
Speaking of a complete lack of perspective, Athena then compares the dinner party to "like when the Tibetans lost Tibet to the Chinese...."
87,000 Tibetans died in the Tibetan war.
The dinner party is not at all, not even a little bit, like when the Tibetans lost Tibet.
Anywho, Melissa insists that she tone down all the spirituality bullsh*t because it really gets on peoples nerves. But Athena is too busy plotting revenge on Victoria, and reminds Melissa, "SHE'S AN OLDER WOMAN SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER."
Because this show is completely organic and not at all staged, Victoria calls at this precise moment. She invites Melissa to an all-white luncheon with the ladies, but says "I'm not 100 per cent if I'm going to invite Athena or not yet."
Despite the fact that Athena was seriously considering sending Victoria to prison only moments ago, she desperately wants to be invited, and is quite disheartened by what she's accidentally-on-purpose overheard on speaker.
Eventually Melissa is straight up with Victoria and tells her Athena's been listening this whole time, so Victoria says she can come. Athena yells down the phone that she's SENDING LIGHT AND LOVE.
OOO it's Lisa's house.
She's telling the cameras about her nanny, and says "I don't think of her as an employee. She's a family member." Ahhh yes, except you pay her. And you employ her. But apart from that, she's a valued part of the family.
At Nicole's house, she's explaining how she's taught her daughters how important it is to give back. She keeps talking about charity, and absolutely no one is listening.
"Do you know how blessed we are? Do you know how lucky we are? I hope you're thankful every day for what you have," she says, while in the next sentence asking the girls' whether they're ready for fencing next term which is frankly a ridiculous sport for anyone to participate in.
Her daughters then get into a fight about whether one of them farted and it's the most likeable anyone has been on this show so far.
Back at Lisa's, she's opened up a bottle of Bollinger, and wants to sit down by the pool while her sons go for a swim. She reminds us that if she didn't work hard she'd be drinking Yellowglen, and we think we speak on behalf of most Australian women when we say we feel personally victimised.
At this point, we realise what Lisa's issue is with her kids: they don't make sense. That's the thing about children. They're weird. And they never do what you want them to.
She wants Bert to get in the pool, but of course, he doesn't want to. It's too cold. So he starts crying.
Lisa tells him to go back upstairs if he's not going to swim, because "You're not staying down here just standing there like a dickhead."
He's literally four. He is four years old.
She tells him to go to bed. It's like 5pm. "Good bye Bert, always a pleasure hanging out with you," she says.
Now that the kids have disappeared, Lisa sits by the pool with her husband David, and talks about the kids as though they're actual people and not small humans incapable of making their own decisions.
"Bertie is a little terrorist," she says. "I pity Isis if he decides to go to Syria and fight them." Lovely.
David comments, "Bert's a great kid," and Lisa doesn't respond, because she isn't sure.
At Krissy's house, she's having family over, and her stupid kids won't get off their goddamn hover boards. NO HOVER BOARDS INSIDE. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.
As she's getting everything ready, she dramatically opens the Dom Perignon and half of it goes on the floor. The dogs are most definitely drunk.
Her family arrives and they sit down for a lovely meal, prepared by Krissy's nanny/cook/slave. But it's not long before grandma goes... rogue.
Apparently she's a bit crazy on the Instagram, and commented "I love the touch of your pussy" on one of her grandson's photos.
Guys, grandma isn't crazy. She is straight up trolling you.
When the attention hasn't been on Krissy for approximately 45 seconds, she yells, "I'M AN INSTA WHORE" and it's inappropriate language to be using at a table full of children.
OH IT'S TIME FOR THE LADIES LUNCHEON.
Lisa's going to be late because she's a working woman, and this way she gets her own special entrance. Meanwhile, Victoria's getting anxiety because she has to go over the bridge to get to her fancy lunch and that's very overwhelming. Kill us.
As the ladies arrive, it becomes very clear that when Athena spotted a vintage wedding dress earlier, and said she'd wear it to lunch, she wasn't joking. We need to start taking everything she says literally. She isn't being ironic. Ever. At all.
Krissy starts bitching about a mean joke Lisa Oldfield posted on Twitter, and she clearly wants everyone to join in. Instead, they all defend Lisa's sense of humour, and essentially say, "that's just Lisa. She's f**cked."
Victoria has bought everyone presents, because apparently that's what rich people do at lunch. Athena finds a g-string in her gift bag and proudly announces that she doesn't wear g-strings, so throws it over to Krissy.
Victoria thinks Athena was being rude, but... Jesus. Each of these women really pick and choose when they think etiquette is necessary.
Athena realises the attention is not sufficiently on her, so takes the opportunity to offer both Krissy and Victoria a 'branch of olive' to say sorry for the whole kerfuffle at last week's party.
While Victoria is sorry, she also does not at all regret throwing Athena's cape into the ocean. She truly believes that was a public service.
"I wanted them to see that I was coming from a place of peace and love," says Athena. "I don't know if they had the intelligence and the depth to understand it." She's so passive aggressive. We love it.
Krissy and Victoria decide it's time to start bullying Athena again, so ask her where the 'X' in her name comes from. While the answer is actually absurdly straight forward (it's the first initial of her maiden name) she gives a long winded story about how "no one ever questioned Malcolm X's name."
As if this situation couldn't get any more absurd, Krissy then asks, "who's Malcolm X? Is he a murderer?"
Melissa's only contribution to this entire episode is her utter disgust that these women don't know who Malcolm X is.
FINALLY LISA'S HERE.
She turns up in black, despite the fact that Victoria clearly stated this was unequivocally an all-white dress code. "When privleged white people hang out and wear white it's a bit KKK," she says, and we know Lisa Oldfield is deep down a genius, and is trolling literally everyone including her husband and this entire production team.
Krissy challenges Lisa about her mean Tweets/Facebook posts and suggests that her bark is worse than her bite. In response, this occurs:
Lisa continues to do a chewbacca impersonation of Krissy until 100 per cent of people in the restaurant are uncomfortable.
All of a sudden Matty loses her sh*t, probably because she's embarrassed to be in a public place with these women.
She yells, "All she [Athena] talks about is spirtuality which I've had enough and all you [Krissy] talk about is her [Lisa] Instagram."
Athena gets disproportionately mad and screams, "WHO MADE YOU THE BOSS?" and suggests maybe Matty should become a little more spiritual and a little less fake.
Just to get her point across more clearly Athena adds, "... Mrs Botox... one for me one for my client..."
Matty leaves and farewells them all politely with, "F*CK THIS SH*T."
Inexplicably Athena yells after her "I NEVER PRETENDED TO BE BUDDHA," while the other women make bizarre references to pots calling kettles black. Nothing even almost makes sense anymore.
Lisa is all of us describing the lunch as "like being lobotomised with a knitting needle with no anaesthetic."
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
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