Last week, Lisa Oldfield told Krissy Marsh that she had a smelly vagina and frankly we’re not over it.
This show is f*cked up.
Speaking of f*cked up, it makes us feel really uncomfortable when Matty does this with her arms.
Matty has decided that she will throw a Persian party. The occasion is unclear, but we're very much going with it.
She does what anyone does before they throw a Persian party for seven people - goes to a specialty caviar shop and trials edible gold. Matty ends up spending more than $1000 on caviar, and this is the mandatory moment we have in every episode, where we reflect on the millions of starving children in Syria, and shake our heads in horror and but also shame.
OH SHHHH FIGHT.
Athena would like to know why Nicole wants her to be part of her charity.
Eugh. It's because you have money, Athena. Jesus.
Joshua Britt and Jo Abi recap The Real Housewives of Sydney on The Recap. Post continues below.
Athena gets mad that Nicole started a fight at her art exhibition, when she was meant to be there to "honour my work".
Before Nicole can answer Athena just starts yelling rogue shit about "WHERE DOES YOUR RIGHTEOUSNESS COME FROM?" and we don't know... but um, it might come from the fact that she is the only woman on this show who makes any sense.
Athena continues, "Congratulations Captain Eyebrows," which might just be the most bizarre insult we've ever heard.
Because only 65 per cent of the restaurant are staring at her by this point, she begins yelling very important things even more loudly such as, "You're an idiot. Do you know that you're an idiot?" and "IF I WANT TO CALL MYSELF A VEGAN AND EAT A STEAK THAT'S MY PROBLEM."
Oh, um. Okay.
If we overheard this conversation we would call 000 because it legitimately sounds like someone is having a stroke.
We'd describe Athena's conversation style as 'angry Year 8 boy.' She yells at Nicole, "F*ck off alright, you're annoying..."
Nicole eventually leaves because this whole situation has become rather embarrassing and doesn't seem to be helping the charity in any conceivable way.
Victoria and Krissy have flown to Melbourne to speak to the private investigator who tracked down Victoria's birth father.
It is revealed that she has three half siblings, and her father was tragically killed in a road accident in 1983.
We were not prepared at all for these emotions. This feels like a different reality show altogether but never mind.
Anywho - Athena has decided to take Lisa Oldfield out for a makeover because that's the only way she knows how to relate to other women. It's both deeply offensive and socially uncomfortable, so Athena is excited.
Athena says that Lisa always looks like she's in a uniform which is characteristically rude.
"Mind you that uniform is all Armani and Chanel," Lisa laughs, and we just had to google how to spell Armani.
Athena confides in the camera that those other women - "They don't have emotional intelligence... and they don't have brain intelligence," and holy sh*t we think she might be having a stroke again.
Within moments she tells Lisa that Nicole has all the etiquette "down pack" and Jesus she means "down pat".
STOP PLS IT'S TIME FOR MATTY'S NONSENSICAL PERSIAN PARTY.
Lisa and Athena arrive first, even though just last week they were yelling in Matty's face, and Lisa physically assaulted her.
"No pushing tonight," Matty laughs, and it's not funny.
Early on, Athena assures Matty, "we're not going to ruin your night," which isn't a thing you should have to say.
Moments later, when Krissy makes a flirty comment to the waiter (which, really, is the least controversial thing to happen on this show) Athena says, "HAHA see she doesn't discriminate she'll go for any man!" which we're pretty sure is offensive to both Krissy and the waiter.
Matty serves the women caviar, and within minutes, Athena is explaining that you shouldn't need to have a lot of caviar, and everyone else is like "let's just eat it," and she's like, "no just have a little bit," and they're all yelling "WHY?" and then Matty interrupts and says that you have to eat caviar within 24 hours of opening it, and just like that seven women are fighting about caviar.
Then, of course, the issue of Athena a) being vegan, and b) eating caviar comes up. She tries to justify herself, and then when Krissy starts speaking, she yells, "WHY ARE YOU INTERRUPTING."
Nicole responds, "BECAUSE YOU DON'T STOP."
Matty actually has to yell, "STOP" so that her party doesn't get ruined.
Athena continues to be offended by... everything.
When no one is taking her up on all the fights she's trying to start, she turns to Melissa and tries to talk about the time she called Melissa a pot plant and how that wasn't mean.
Nicole tries to tell Athena she was rude, and Athena says, "here comes captain eyebrows."
Everyone's like, "ummm, why are you saying that?" and Athena explains it's a joke.
Matty makes the valid point, "it's not funny" and moments later, as a side thought, says, "none of you are funny." And just like that, Matty is our new favourite person.
Speaking of not funny, Athena starts yelling, "TALK TO THE HAND... ACTUALLY TALK TO MY SIX CAROT RING," and then Nicole responds, "MINE'S EIGHT AND A HALF," and this is why we watch this show.
At this point, Athena needs to have stopped talking hours ago.
Just when we thought Matty couldn't possibly talk anymore sense, she says under her breath, "I am sick of all your perspectives," and that might just be the truest thing we've ever heard.
Athena continues to argue that she's not judgmental and has never said anything mean about anyone's appearance, but Victoria responds; "The first time you met me you called me fat!"
To which Athena replies, "But you are."
Ahh... she got you there Vict... WAIT NO SHE DIDN'T WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN GOING ON.
That isn't... a point. You can't just walk around calling other women fat and ugly and say they have smelly vaginas for no reason... can you?
Athena proceeds to blame all the other women for making her a bully by reasoning, "When you're with an animal you become an animal."
Athena starts cryin'.
She tells the other women that growing up her father was on so much medication, he would "bash" her and her mother.
"You never got dragged out of a car with your pony tail, and pulled into a shower, had your hair cut off," Athena says.
Athena retells how she would then go to school, and get picked on by bullies.
Somehow the women manage to even turn Athena's traumatic childhood into a fight, explaining that Victoria's dad was absent for her whole life and she just found out he died. And THEN Athena called her fat.
You literally... could not make this shit up.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
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