Real Housewives of Melbourne S2 Ep3 Recap: Gamble Responsibly

It’s week three of the new season.

If you’re following along at home, last week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne was a chance to meet the newbies.

Need to catch up? Read it here.

There were fancy dogs, murder mystery parties, and it ended with Janet and Chyka trying to suss out brand new housewife Gamble by delicately asking whether she had been a stripper and call girl that hosted sex parties.

It did not go down well:

Ahem.

This week we open with Chyka and Lydia having a liquid lunch and fangirling each other. They are cute. It looks fun. I wish I was there gossiping with them but I’m not rich enough. Lydia has been sahhhhhh busy, preparing to go to Eurrrrrope for her son’s wedding.  Plus, since she fired her PA for buying the wrong shampoo, she has been frantic, having to purchase of her haircare products HERSELF.

Chyka delicately fills her in on “the situation”.

“So, basically Janet called Gamble a stripper”.

I mean, woah.

Cut to Jackie at a warehouse.  And who else is with her but her husband, International Rock Star Ben Gilles!  He used to be in Silverchair. He is SO rock.  He wears a SICK BADGE on his t-shirt.

Jackie is getting ready to shoot an ad to promote  her brand of classy piss, La Mascara. Did you get that? La Mascara.  La Mascara. If you didn’t get it the first time, don’t worry. They say it 31 TIMES.

Jackie is doing her thang on the camera, smiling, and reading out her line out which is…cough…  “Entry is EASY”

Which International Rock Star Ben Gilles finds SO hilarious that he is literally doubled over. Because geddit? Jackie is telling people that entry is easy.  So she’s basically saying she is promiscuous.  Ha ha. And that’s exactly what you want to insinuate about your wife.

Nice one, International Rock Star Ben Gilles.

Then Janet arrives to crassssh the partayyyy! You remember Janet:

Janet needs to fill the plot lines Jackie in on what happened when she called Gamble a stripper. Except, darling Janet, in her old age, is getting forgetful, and completely lies gets confused about what happened.  She tells Jackie that it was, in fact CHYKA that said the nasty things, and that she was merely was an innocent bystander to the whole charade. Oh Janet. Are you so forgetful that you’ve forgotten Jackie is a psychic and knows deep shit about your soul?

Cut to Pettifleur. Who after last week is still at Soursob status (reminder: a soursob is a weed).

Last time we saw Pettifleur, she spent her entire screen time telling the most brilliant, enchanting tales about her upcoming book.  And by enchanting tales, we mean stick a fork in your back fat cos it would be more interesting.

“It’s called ‘Switch The Bitch'” she says, repeatedly. Also because it’s the only sentence she’s written thus far. “It’s about switching the inner bitch.”

Thrilling.

Today, she’s lured her “friend” Charlotte to her apartment for a meeting. And by friend she means that Charlotte is Pettifleur’s eyebrow stylist. Poor Chars barely has time to get the tweezers out before Pettifleur starts circling like a dog before it does a poo.

“What have you been up to?” Pettifleur asks, pretending she cares.  And before Charlotte can even answer, before she even opens her mouth, Pettifleur leans in.

And we think, surely not. Surely Pettifleur has something ELSE to talk about.

“Book writing!” laughs Petts.

“Switch The Bitch” she says triumphantly.

They’re writing a book together, explains Pettifleur to the camera. Then Petts stars grilling Charlotte on how many words she’s written. Poor Charlotte. She just wants a simple life of styling eyebrows. She never signed up for this torture.  Charlotte lies and says she’s written ten chapters.

It’s not enough, Pettifleur says.  She’s already written 20 chapters. And then she launches into a detailed description of their contents.

“My book is absolutely about how to switch the bitch.  Hence the title, switch the bitch.” she elaborates.

“Why call it switch the bitch?” Pettifleur continues, “We need to switch that.”

Pettifleur announces the partnership is over, because basically Charlotte is crap and Pettifleur wants her book to be a best seller.

Charlotte is shattered. “Well, I’ve got to go”, she says suddenly.  “When are you coming in so I can do your eyebrows?”

Charlotte suddenly feels passionately about switching her inner bitch too.  Like when Petts comes in for her eyebrow wax next:

Cut to Chadstone Shopping Centre.  The ladies are at the Melbourne Fashion Capital for a catwalk parade and there’s champers and sequins and it’s all fab, dahhlings. Then Gamble arrives. And she is filthy angry.  She’s also hungry, evidently.

Gamble has one sip of bubbles and suddenly her hands are in the air and she’s dropping the F bomb like crazy. It’s no wonder, she’s half cut. She doesn’t eat lunch remember? Or dinner.

She then launches a nuanced counter-attack on Janet, saying that she knows Janet used to be a heroin addict prostitute.  SO THERE.

And then it gets a bit ugly and I found myself wishing Pettifleur would suddenly appear to tell everyone about her book.

But then GINA ARRIVES!

Gina beams the calm, sequinned light of justice over everyone.  For a bit. Janet tries to apologise to Gamble. Gamble doesn’t want any apologies from a heroin addicted prostitute.  There is more hand waving and yelling and then Gamble decides she will pursue legal action. Ugghghhhh! Where is Pettifleur when you need her?

Cut to Lydia. Thank god. A breath of fresh Woah.  Lydia is just chilling with her mate SHANE WARNE. Warneyyyyyy. They’re about to play poker. I think “wait, did he just get given the wrong housewife for this scene?” <insert Gamble joke here>

But no, these two go way back.  And Lydia is now an ambassador for the Shane Warne Foundation, so this whole thing is just a thinly veiled promotion, a chance for them to talk about his foundation.

Instead, they talk about poker. And there are references to “nuts” and “flopping it out” and Lydia laughs throatily through the whole thing, because what would a Lydia scene be without some underlying sexual innuendo.

Our Lydia is all class though, and only mentions the name of the foundation once. Warney, meanwhile, is taking notes of the 31 mentions of La Mascara and re-thinking his choice of housewife.

Right, with all this promotion of books/foundations/alcohol brands we’re almost forgetting the point of the show – that these women are richer than you.  Thankfully, that’s rectified as Chyka decides to let us in on a troubling secret: her wardrobe problem.

She has so many clothes that she turned a whole other bedroom into her wardrobe, and now it’s bursting at the seams. She enlists her daughter Chessie and housekeeper to help sort through the piles of designer clothes. There is much laughing and scoffing and tossing Louboutins on the junk pile that it made me want to vom on my Big W sandals. Note to self: Get to the Toorak Salvos first thing on Monday.

Just in case you haven’t got your head around this episode main plot point yet, we cut to Janet who’s having lunch with her high-society friend, Manuela. They eat seafood and drink bubbles and Janet fills her in on the Gamble situation and they laugh because they’re richer than you.

Manny has also heard the rumours about Gamble and the sex parties, and they laugh about that, before getting annoyed that Gamble has time to do two pilates sessions a day. Who has time to do two pilates sessions a day? A stripper, says Manny. That’s who.

Gamble has decided that all this stripper talk is pretty bullshit so she decides to consult an defense attorney.  And HELLO, Judge Gina is now in session.

The two have dinner, and by dinner we mean Gamble orders a carrot, and Gina goes all cross-examination on Gamble’s arse. She asks, “Have you ever been a stripper? Have you ever been a prostitute? Have you ever had a sex party?” The answer to all three, says Gamble. is no.

Go Gina. Dealing with facts. Not friction. Just like her opening slogan says.

But letting the facts get in the way of a good story is boring to watch so Gina starts to pontificate about why Janet would do this.  I think they call this in legal speak ‘not being a lawyer, just having a goss’.

“She might be jealous. She’s seen your beautiful house and fiance and she wants to push you off your pedestal. She’s made it up just to bring you down.”

NEXT TIME ON THE REAL HOUSEWIVES…

Judge Gina is on the gossip case. Will she bedazzle with her legal speak as well as her bustier? Will Chyka manage to overcome her wardrobe dilemma? Has Warney given Lydia a good recommendation for an eyebrow threader? How many times will Jackie mention La Mascara? And can Pettifleur manage to write any more words other than “Switch The Bitch?”