Cosy = tiny: What real estate agents' ads say and what they mean.

Real estate agents are notorious for presenting homes in a way that is ‘creatively optimistic’ at best.

Sometimes, a third bedroom is made by a curtained wall; and sometimes, ‘modern’ is a recently replaced bath tap.

It’s business, people.

The following list and accompanying video captures some other terms that are often used in real estate spin.


‘Cosy’: Small.

‘Humble’: Smaller.

‘Little’: Barbie playset.

‘One-of-a-kind design’: Every room is a rhombus.

‘Out of the way’: Woop Woop.

‘Rural’: Farmer Wants A Wife set.

'Neighbourhood watch' = Kim times five. (Source: ABC/Seven.)

'Funky details': Somebody carved an eight-legged Buddha into the bathroom ceiling.

'Modern': 70 per cent of the bedroom space is a mirrored wardrobe.

'Lots of character': There's a cheese-like mould growing in the kitchen. Hold your breath when walking past.

'Easy to maintain garden': Asphalt.

'Garden features': Clothes line.

'Community vibe': The next door neighbour is a 53-year-old divorcée who will invite herself over while you're at work. You'll know she's visited by the amount of cigarette ash in your ceramics.

Artistic = Floor to ceiling murals a la Priscilla Queen of the Desert. (Source: Gramercy Pictures.)

'Must-see': We staged four photoshoots but were unable to hide just how bad this place really is.

'Quaint': A weird smell appears after rain that everyone is too afraid to investigate.

'Up and coming area': Walk to the shop clutching a pair of scissors.

'Residential development': Housing commission.

'Lots of natural fauna': SPIDERS. SPIDERS. SPIDERS. SPIDERS.

We're going to need a large glass for this one. (Source: Warner Bros.)

'Air con': There's a unit we can't remove without the lounge room collapsing. It will make loud sputtering noises during the night.

'Conveniently located': Highway livin'.

'Reduced price': Please live here. Please.

'Renovator's dream': The texture of the walls can be described as "croissant".

Do you have any inspection horror stories where you expected a castle and were given a cat box? Share them below. 

Spice up the bedroom in a way that goes beyond a 'funky' lamp. Listen to our Prude and Pornstar podcast for some great tips. 

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