"Three-year-old Princess Charlotte being accused of stealing is my favourite story of the week."

I think we can all agree that royal news has reached peak… silly.

It’s absurd.

In the last few days alone, I’ve (enthusiastically) read stories about Meghan Markle definitely being pregnant because her hair is a ‘lil messy, and obvs her non-existent pregnancy means she can’t use a keratin treatment to straighten it, Prince George being obsessed with dinosaurs, and Kate Middleton being v. jealous of a woman named Isabella Calthorpe because Prince William was ‘obsessed’ with her, according to sources that may or may not be lying.

I read these stories because I love them, wholeheartedly. But today, there’s a story I love more than the rest, and it involves three-year-old Princess Charlotte being a cold, calculating thief.

Ahem.

So on Saturday, the day of the crime, Princess Charlotte was attending the wedding of royal family friend Sophie Carter, who was marrying Robert Snuggs.

"This is lame," Princess Charlotte probably said. "Oprah was at my Aunty Meghan's wedding so yours probably won't be that great."

CHARLOTTE! Pls. We respect everyone's weddings, equally.

After the ceremony, Charlotte's mother, the Duchess of Cambridge, was pictured extensively holding a blue bag. The photos, published in Marie Claire, confirm that it was satin, and more of a clutch really. Big enough to hold a phone, some makeup, money.

But when the official photos were taken of the wedding guests, the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, was no longer holding her bag.

'Where... where did it go?' you might ask.

Guess.

https://t.co/4j7dgSU6Fc

— Jeffrey J Lopez (@JeffreyJLopez2) September 25, 2018

Three-year-old Charlotte stole it, no doubt intentionally, and clutched onto it with the look of someone who knew exactly what she had done.

"This is mine now Mama," she whispered during the photos. "Can you move out of the way, your dress is clashing with my flower crown."

Charlotte, PLEASE.

Rumour has it that Kensington Palace doesn’t know what to do with the Princess’... sass, given it has now turned criminal.

It was one thing when she yelled at the paparazzi at her little brother’s Christening, telling them they weren’t allowed in, but this is quite another.

One suggestion is that she be sent to a tiny royal prison, but the Queen thinks this might just bring more attention to her granddaughter’s behaviour.

For now, the Palace is attempting to pass the transgression off as a ‘joke’, as though three-year-old’s sometimes do things for no reason at all. As though it's 'normal' for a toddler to play with her mother's possessions and not realise it is a crime. 

In stories fed to the media, reporters quip that Charlotte is just like her Uncle Harry, who was recently spotted stealing samosas at an event with his wife.

But the behaviour of a three-year-old who somehow thinks it’s acceptable to joke around and play with her mother’s handbag needs to be taken seriously.

This could be our future Queen for God’s sake.

And she’s a monster.