Warning: This post deals with themes related to miscarriage and pregnancy loss and may be triggering for some readers.
For the past five years, I have been on a journey I never thought my life would take me on.
I am a mum of two beautiful boys, but in order to grow our family, my husband and I endured what many families sadly also experience: the loss of our two beloved babies that grew and existed before them.
I have been a mother now for four years. Technically though, I’ve really been a mother for five years. The day I learnt my husband and I were pregnant for the first time was really an incredible day. Little did I know that the weeks that followed would change me as a person.
I am no longer the women that I once was. Am I a better person? In some ways, yes, in other ways, no. Am I a stronger person? You had better believe it. Would I change a thing as heartbreaking as 2013 and 2014 were? That answer is also no.
If I hadn’t been through what I went through, I would not have our two beautiful boys, Ollie and Oscar. But sadly, two of our little babies didn’t make it safely earthside. I know that I’m not alone. So many other couples out there are in the club that you never thought that you would receive an automatic membership to.
When we first lost our first son, it was truly devastating. I still remember every single detail of our pregnancy journey. The day those first two positive pink lines appeared, how I told my husband and how we told our family and close friends.
Mia Freedman talks about ‘feeling lost’ after a miscarriage:
Hearing our son’s heart beat for the first time is something that will never leave me. The joy of seeing the very first sonograph, despite our little “Chickpea” only being so small.
Little did we know back then, he was in fact a he. Our first son. That’s right, I’m actually a mother to three beautiful boys, just one of them is in heaven. He is not alone though. He is also in heaven amongst the angels with his little brother or sister. In my heart, I believe he had a little sister.
Life had other ideas though. Life chose to give us a harder journey to parenthood. I know that people say ‘things happen for a reason’ and that those babies sadly ‘where not meant to be’. But, in my heart, and my husband’s heart, they were always meant to be.
I will never forget the questions, “Was there a heartbeat?” and “When did you have your dating scan?” Deep down, I think I knew something was amiss. I had confided in my husband and family, but of course, everyone brushed it off. You never think it will happen to you. But it happened to us twice. In a row. The odds were not in our favour.