As everyone knows, twins are magic but also spooky.
With half a brain each, we spend every December avoiding all festivities, instead putting our foreheads together and predicting what will happen in the upcoming year.
We are correct approximately none of the time.
Here are our most compelling predictions for 2018.
- Donald Trump will sit in air conditioned room and proclaim that climate change isn’t real because it’s cold in here.
- The internet was first obsessed with cats. Now, we exist in the Age of the Doggo. 2018, however, will see the era of the guinea pig. Bork Bork I am Guinea Pig will become one of the leading Facebook pages.
- People under the age of 30 no longer communicate in words. Just memes. And occasionally gifs.
- Meghan Markle and Prince Harry will marry in a modest ceremony with only friends and family present. The Queen wears a mauve blouse with matching skirt and gifts them a great cutlery set.
- Man accused of sexual assault, and desperately tries to come up with valid excuse. He suddenly starts yelling, “I HAVE IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME”. IBS community gets very upset.
- New Facebook algorithm means you see more content from ‘friends’ and ‘family’. People start playing game where they look at a photo on their news feed for upwards of a minute, and try and work out who the f*ck they’re meant to know…
- Bakers will make many cakes for gay weddings, because it turns out that bakers don’t care even a little bit about the sexual orientation of their clients when they are handing over money.
- Harvey Weinstein will tweet #metoo and everyone will respond with… “Oh… honey no.”
- Someone will write an opinion piece in early December about how Love Actually is actually really messed up and HOLY SH*T HOW MANY TIMES CAN SOMEONE WRITE EXACTLY THE SAME THING.
- A person will say something perfectly reasonable. Twitter promptly ruins their life.
- People no longer consume popular culture (movies/television/music) because it’s all too problematic.
- The Kardashian Klan grows by 46, with Kris Jenner giving birth to quadruplets at age 63.
- Uber eats goes down at 4pm on a Thursday. Thousands starve to death.
LISTEN: Mamamia Out Loud reflects on the year that was.
So there you have it.
Twins are very spooky, so if these predictions don’t come true, it’s most likely because no one believed us enough – not because of the quality of our fortune telling.
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