This time last year, I made a handful of predictions for the year ahead.
“How hard can it be?” I giggled to myself. “How much can really happen in 12 months?”
Well, HOLY SH*T. I did NOT see that coming.
I feel that in penning predictions on the Internet, I tempted fate. I upset the gods. I disrupted the natural order of things and now we have the goddamn host of The Apprentice as the President and I am really so very sorry about that.
There were, however, a number of things I did get right. Call me Nostradamus. Or that Bulgarian clairvoyant Baba Vanga who scares the crap out of me.
Here we go...
1: Everyone buys a Fitbit. Still no one exercises. Collective anger towards Fitbit builds causing many to abandon their once-loved Fitbits by February.
Okay. I was definitely right about this. Personally, I haven't worn my Fitbit since January. And I'm mad that, having purchased a Fitbit, I'm not more fit.
Fitbits have officially been abandoned. Let's move on.
2: NCIS plays same episode on repeat for two weeks. No one notices.
Probably happened. Did not notice.
2016 was the year we filmed everything. Listen to the crew on Mamamia Out Loud discuss.
3: There will be a show named ‘Kocktails with Khloe’. This is a well informed prediction given that it is scheduled for January. It’s the worst name in the history of television and will be an objectively terrible show. Everyone will claim they would never, ever, watch such rubbish. Ratings will suggest most people are watching it.
'Kocktails with Khloe', unfortunately for everyone, occurred. It scored a whopping 3.1/10 on IMDB, which I think we can all agree is quite generous.
Despite the fact I do not know one person who admitted to watching this show, it was the highest rating program the network had ever seen.
The program was eventually axed because everyone, including Khloe Kardashian, thought it was crap.
4: Bill Clinton becomes first man. He poses with tea and knitting wool for women’s magazines.
Too soon, too soon.
R. I. P to all our feminist fantasies.
Ah - fortunately penises did not replace fingerprints. Although we did see Orlando Bloom's penis when he went paddle boarding naked for no reason.
6: Housing prices drop to record lows and everyone responds with, “Ew, I don’t want one any more”.
Housing prices are still absurd.
BUT it turns out the only reason young folk can't afford a house is because we eat avocado on toast. Heheh now the housing crisis is solved and all of us own mansions! WOOOHOOO!
I Stopped Eating Smashed Avocado And Now I Own A Castle | SBS Comedy https://t.co/vu40zNo8Ln
— Johanna Nicholson (@johanna_nic) October 17, 2016
7: Study funded by Australian Taxi Lobby finds riding in Uber cars causes cancer. They fund a billboard campaign so that everyone knows.
Ubers do not cause cancer. Taxi's are still overpriced and sometimes (almost always) smell a bit funky.
8: James Packer weds Mariah Carey in a super low-key $100 million dollar wedding.
Oh, um, awkward.
But 2016 gave us so much more than a Maracker wedding.
After the pair broke up, Carey (obviously) demanded a $50 million 'inconvenience fee', inspiring women everywhere to do the same.
Then 'Mariah's World' happened and all was right in the world. Her assistant, Molly, summed up Mimi so perfectly...
"If [Mariah] can’t have the apple TV playing, then she can’t sleep. If she can’t sleep then she can’t perform. If she can’t perform there’s no show...If there is no apple TV everything else falls apart."
I just...I just love her so much.
9: Labor AND Liberal parties boycott Q&A. Show improves dramatically.
10: Jarryd Hayne leaves American football to try his hand at European handball. Suddenly, everyone is a European handball expert.
Jarryd Hayne quit NFL - LIKE I PREDICTED.
Then he tried to go to the Rio Olympics with the Fiji sevens rugby team, but was ineligible.
Anywho - now he's back at the NRL, playing for the Titans. European handball? Close enough.
11: Kylie Jenner takes ‘new year, new me’ to a whole new level, and enters 2016 with a brand new face.
I think we can all agree Kylie Jenner continues to look less and less like Kylie Jenner.
12: Star Wars influences baby names so 2016 sees a rise in names such as Poe, Finn and Rey. Bonus 2021 prediction: Those children may get bullied at school.
I stand by it.
13: Donald Trump will reveal his entire campaign has been material for an upcoming reality television show called ‘Presidential Apprentice’.
DAMMIT I REALLY THOUGHT THIS WOULD HAPPEN. WHY DIDN'T THIS HAPPEN.
I believe this was his intention all along, and that the whole actual Presidency thing was a prank that just went way too far and now it's just awkward for everyone involved.
14: Jon Snow returns. People who argued he was dead and never coming back claim “Yeah – I knew that would happen”.
This is... precisely what happened.
15: Pauline Hanson asks to be on “I’m a celebrity get me out of here”. Everyone is confused because she is not a celebrity. She is taken to Africa and left there.