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We spend the first 12 years of their lives being the "main character" in their story. We are the directors, the producers, chauffeurs and caterers. 

But the secret sauce to the teen years? Willingly becoming a background extra. And still a chauffeur and caterer to be honest.

The teenage years can be terrifying. In hindsight, was it actually easier when they were toddlers, or have we just blocked out the tantrum -induced trauma? 

Either way, it is a truth universally acknowledged that we eventually go from being their hero to the world's most embarrassing human. 

Watch: The age of public shaming explored on Parenting Out Loud.

Somewhere along the line, the endless stream of consciousness and questions about the universe are replaced with monosyllabic grunts and world-class eye rolls.

But apparently, they do still need us. They just need us in a different way. Specifically, they need us to be like a potted plant. They don't want you to be the "fixer"; they want you to be a Ficus.

The concept. 

You position yourself like a potted plant in the corner of a room. You are physically present (reading a book, folding laundry, or, blessedly, scrolling your phone) but emotionally unobtrusive.

The goal is to provide a "sturdy, silent presence." You aren't asking 20 questions about their day or performing a forensic analysis of their mood; you're just there.

The "potted plant" theory, popularised by psychologist Dr Lisa Damour in The New York Times, suggests that teenagers don't need us to be their cruise directors; they just need us to be "around." 

Like a plant in the corner, we should be a reliable fixture they can choose to interact with (or ignore) at will.

The "real world" catch.

But there's a massive catch for the rest of us. A lot of this research, including a well-known study from the University of Western Australia, emphasises "sheer proximity." 

The data shows that teens benefit psychologically just by being in the same house as a parent the moment they walk in the door from school.

For those of us in the real world, working full-time (in my case), single-parenting, and lacking a live-in support system or family nearby to tap into this research can feel like a bit of a kick in the teeth. 

If the "secret sauce" is just being there, what happens when we're literally at work supporting the family we can't be home to "be a plant" for?

Does that mean we've failed the Ficus test?

The pivot: Why "doing less" is doing enough.

Thankfully, the experts agree that we don't need to be gathering dust in the corner 24/7 to make an impact. Parenting expert Gen Muir told Mamamia that the trend shouldn't be another stick to beat ourselves with.

"I actually really love the idea of 'potted plant parenting,' especially in the teen years, but let's think of it as being the plant when you are around your kid rather than you always need to be sitting in the corner gathering dust and hoping someone will water you," Muir said.

"We have lives, we need to work, have multiple kids... Always being on is not sustainable and not what kids need."

Muir explained that for many parents, adolescence feels like a "slow breakup in real time," where our mere presence causes a tectonic shift in their eye-rolls.

The potted plant metaphor is a tool to stop us from "asking too many questions or barking too many orders."

The "crashing out" rule.

If you've ever tried to force a deep-and-meaningful conversation with a 14-year-old at 5:30 PM, you know exactly how fast they shut down. Muir suggested that by "simply doing less," we actually become the steady presence they crave.

"What I think is incredibly helpful about this is it gives parents a metaphor that allows them to simply do less," Muir noted.

"In a world where we are asking parents to do so much more, this is actually a way of accepting the stage that is adolescence and simply knowing that being there is enough."

She also shares a hilarious litmus test for our behaviour: "The plant is not talking too much, trying too hard, being too desperate or, as my son says, 'crashing out'."

The 11:00 PM payoff.

For the working parent, the "potted plant" method actually rewards our late finishes. Because, as any parent of a teen knows, they never want to talk when it's convenient for us.

"Sometimes we sit around like the pot plant all evening and then at 11 o'clock, when they finally decide to share something, we are open and ready," said Muir.

And if they do start talking? "The hardest but most important thing is to just listen without jumping in with advice."

The "mini moments" of connection.

Muir emphasised that being a plant allows us to see that connection looks different now. It's not about big talks, but "mini moments of connection,"

"Jokes, humour, sending memes, watching something funny together, or sitting side by side."

One of her most powerful tips for the busy parent is how we greet them when we are finally in the same room.

"Trying to light up when your teenager enters the room, even when they are grumpy, monosyllabic, or clearly not thrilled to see us. That sense that we are still glad they are there really matters."

Ultimately, this trend shouldn't feel like another chore on the list.

"Parents are under more pressure than ever, and this idea should feel like relief, not another thing to get right," Muir explained.

So, if you're currently stuck at work while your teen is at home: don't panic. You don't have to be a permanent fixture in the lounge room to be the anchor they need.

You just have to be ready to be the plant when you finally walk through the door.

Gen Muir is a Grief Counsellor, Parent Educator and mum-of-four boys. You can find her at connectedparenting.com.au Facebook and Instagram .

Feature Image: Supplied.