My hospital bag for my first birth was packed with cute wishful thoughts.
My second hospital bag, however, was packed with wisdom and knowledge.
I had my enormous black underpants ready to support my enormous absorbent pads, plus my secret weapons – laxatives, prunes, and haemorrhoid cream.
My. Ass. Was. Ready.
Watch: Mamamia Confessions – The things we aren’t told about giving birth. Post continues below.
Half the reason I was waddling around the first time was because Harry the Haemorrhoid was so excited he had popped out of my ass to say congratulations to the new baby.
No nurse mentioned it to me during my check up the next day, and I was way too nervous to look or feel around my damaged island.
As a scared first-time mum, I made a mental note of what I’d do differently the next time. So, trust me on this one ladies. If Harry pops out, you’ll be relieved (both mentally and physically) to have the cream there to banish him back home.
The prunes and laxatives are for exactly what you think they’re for – the third birth that no one seems to mention.
After my first baby, I went almost a week before I finally gathered the courage to deal with the unspoken.
I walked into the bathroom, held my vagina together so it wouldn’t fall out, and prayed my asshole wouldn’t be next in line for stitches as I tried to crap out a ball of concrete while swearing off babies forever.