Have a baby naturally, they said. It’s life changing, they said.
Let me tell you something: my first child broke my vagina and you don’t want to know what else, but I’m going to tell you anyway. Yup, it’s broken and I need a mechanic trained as a gynaecologist to fix it. Heads up to anyone reading this who is male or hasn’t had children yet, you may want to continue living in blissful ignorance and stop reading now.
Before I had children I didn’t care, nor did I pay attention when people spoke about pregnancy or childbirth. Then, when I got pregnant all the professionals (anyone who has ever participated in the event of a labour) came out of the wood work. People seem to think, and it’s not only women, that when you are pregnant you WANT to hear stories about sh—ing during labour and mucous plugs etc.
Seriously, NO, let me have a surprise. I remember being pregnant and chatting to a friend who was due around the same time as me, at a wedding. A man, whose wife I had met five minutes earlier, came up and started rambling on about pooing during labour. MATE, seriously? How about you tell me I’m glowing first? I walked off, not because I was offended, but I was just over it and in my last trimester.
Something else they don’t tell you about the glamorous life post vaginal birth -- the pelvic floor. Now you may have heard mummies saying jovially, “I can’t jump on a trampoline, I may pee myself.” You may think to yourself, "WTF, that’s just gross and there is no way that will happen to me!"
Well, that was me.
Little did I know there were worse things to be afraid of. Now, I am no professional in any medical field whatsoever, so please just bear with me as I describe as best I can my experience with the pelvic floor.
Most people (like myself) think that the pelvic floor is just your ‘love hole’ (honestly that’s the nicest word I could think to call it). When you see your midwife or OB, they will run you through the exercises you should be doing to strengthen your pelvic floor. It basically feels like when you need to pee and you have to hold it while you run through the club and wait in line at the ladies.
Who am I kidding? I haven’t been to a club in years but I remember that’s what it feels like, okay? So there I was, in the consulting room with the midwife, asking her if I was doing them wrong because they aroused me, then watching her and my husband’s faces turn bright red.
What they don’t tell you is there are three pelvic floors. Your ‘pee hole’, your ‘love hole’ and your ‘exit only hole’ (let’s call it EOH). Thankfully (kinda) my first two were fine after the birth but I had no idea of the surprise that was to come. So I was sitting in my hospital bed the morning after I gave birth to my son and we had visitors. My brother in law and his girlfriend were sitting on the seat next to my bed, husband’s friend was at the foot of the bed and a few other people randomly scattered around my quarter of the shared room I was in.