A few weeks ago Kim Kardashian almost broke the internet by showing the world all of her bits and pieces. There were nekkid booties everywhere. Right away the internet channeled its snark into hilarious memes and hashtags including: “Things that look like Kim Kardashian’s bum“.
With Kim K’s shiny, nekkid booty keeping the internet abuzz whilst my own completely clothed breasts where creating Facebook controversy I wondered what the internet would come up with if they started a “#ThingsThatLookLikeMyPostBabyBoobs” hashtag about my tatas…
Many years ago while still full of life my boobs raised eyebrows. Now they are flat like pancakes. (Keep a careful eye out for the puns. They’re so subtle you might miss them. Kinda like my boobs. Ba-dum-ching!)
If only they were still round like pancakes. I once was a tart with an ample rack of cupcakes but carrying two babies past their due dates and nursing for 3 years was a recipe for boobs that resemble rolled out bread dough.
Formerly busting out of sweaters my boobs have now burst like overfilled water balloons. Well, it was more like a slow leak and I was left with drained, deflated balloon boobs.
I’ve considered filling them with helium but I’m afraid they’ll just sound funny.
Tube socks. They look like flat tube socks. Ironically, they sag so low that soon enough I’ll literally be able to use them to cover my feet.
The Many Personalities of Tube Sock Boobs: The “Swing Low Sweet Chariot”, The “Curtsy”, The “Please, Sir, I Want Some More”, The “Over Your Shoulder Like a Continental Solider”, and The “Fruit Roll Up”.
Between their flattened state and the stretchmarks it looks as though my boobs wererun over by a tractor leaving behind huge tracts of land.
I should be stocking up on Wonderbras now that my knee-highs are knee-lows. My poor old boobs look like a stretched out pair of nylons stuffed with super balls. Also, insert a joke here about “tights“…I’m running low on puns.