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I am, by nature, a big old gossip.

My love language is definitely someone leaning across a table whispering, "okay, you cannot tell anyone I told you this".

So when my friend, a child psychologist, told me there was a form of gossip that was actively good for my children, I almost wept with joy.

This is my calling and I have literally been training for it my entire life.

Watch: Instead of maths, should we be teaching kids… brand building? Post continues below.

She gave me the tip when my son was a newborn and my daughter, almost three, was getting used to this squishy, milk-drunk interloper who contributed nothing and received everything.

She was confused and clingy, and at various points, absolutely terrifying.

I needed her to feel seen and to know she was still extraordinary. But I also had a newborn attached to me at all times and the emotional bandwidth of a soggy corn thin.

So… I started gossiping about her. To whoever, whatever, was nearby. Which, in those early newborn days, was often nobody.

Sometimes it was a friend on the phone and sometimes it was the air fryer. "Oh my god, Philip" (that's our air fryer's name), "did you see what she just did? She packed away her toys. She's so thoughtful." My daughter definitely heard, and I watched something in her settle. 

My friend had also suggested I gossip to the baby about his big sister.

So, before he could hold his head up or had any idea what was happening, I'd whisper loudly to him about how wonderful she was. "Your big sister is so good at sharing." It sounds crazy but it worked immediately. Their sibling bond, I am convinced, was built purely on newborn goss. 

I've been doing it ever since.

This technique actually has a name: positive gossip.

Paediatrician Dr Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest Baby on the Block, says praise children overhear can be up to five times more powerful than compliments directed straight at them. Which is excellent news for those of us who were born to goss.

Positive gossip also had a moment on TikTok last year when a mum filmed herself and her husband bragging about their daughter just loudly enough for her to hear from the next room. The little girl's face, trying very hard to pretend she wasn't listening while also absolutely glowing with joy, had me getting a little teary.

The reason it works is simple psychology. Tell a child they're incredible and they'll often shrug it off. They know you're biased, you're their mum. But overhearing it is completely different. The praise wasn't meant for them, it was meant for your partner, your friend, a kitchen appliance even, so they see it as fact.

Apparently, the qualities children hear described about themselves over time tend to become the qualities they believe they actually have. And unlike the slightly over-the-top, direct praise we're all guilty of sometimes ("You are the smartest, funniest, most amazing, cutest baby boy who has ever lived!") overheard praise carries zero pressure. 

So how do you actually gossip positively?

First, pick your audience.

Your partner or another one of your kids (if you have either) is ideal. A friend on speakerphone works beautifully too. I'll sometimes call my mum while my daughter's in earshot. "Mum, you should have seen how amazing she was at doing her reader today..."  When no humans are available, improvise. The dog, the microwave, a houseplant. None of them will tell anyone.

Then, get the volume right.

You're definitely not announcing it, this is not a TED talk situation. You're just having a private goss sesh that happens to be audible from the next room. I'm in the kitchen, they're in the lounge room. One wall, no door is your sweet spot.

Be painfully specific.

"She's so kind" is a little vague and your kid might be like… okay but based on what exactly? Try "She noticed her friend was upset and just went and sat with her." That specific detail is what sticks in my experience. The more precise you are, the more it sounds like something you actually noticed rather than something you're performing for their benefit.

Praise the behaviour, not the label.

This one's harder than it sounds. "You're so smart" can actually backfire because it makes kids avoid challenges for fear of not living up to it. So talk about what they did, not what they are. "He kept going even when it got hard." "She apologised without being asked." "She ate the banana I peeled without accusing me of ruining it." That's the stuff you want.

And then walk away.

Whatever you do, do not make eye contact. Do not acknowledge that you said anything. Do not hover nearby like a helicopter parent. And do not search for their reaction, even though you will desperately want to. The magic is that they think they heard something they weren't meant to. The moment you smile maniacally at them, it's all over.

I think my daughter, the genius that she is, has started doing it back to me. Last week I overheard her gossiping to her stuffed animals that her mum makes pretty good pasta with cheese. The student has become the master and I've never been prouder. I'm going to go tell the airfryer right now.

Ali Berg is a writer and co-author of four bestselling romantic comedies. She co-founded the social initiative Books on the Rail and lives in Melbourne with her husband and two children, who keep providing excellent material.

Feature image: Supplied.