Why do women in long-term relationships often lose their 'spark' while men seem to have an on-off switch? Is your hair dryer actually causing your colour to fade? And, can you get a medical 'crystal ball' to tell you exactly how many eggs you have left?
In this episode, Dr Mariam and Claire speak to Dr Eva Jackson, a Sexual Health Physician, to unpack the complex world of female desire. They discuss the difference between 'spontaneous' and 'reactive' arousal, why the word 'libido' might be outdated, and the medical reasons - from antidepressants to hormonal shifts - that might be stalling your sex life.
Plus, in Med School, Claire and Dr Mariam look at the science of hair health. We reveal the research-backed way to dry your hair to prevent cuticle damage (hint: it involves a ruler and a blast of cold air) and why leaving your hair to air-dry might actually be doing more harm than good.
And, in the Quick Consult, Dr Mariam answers Catherine’s question about 'ticking clock' anxiety. We break down what tests like AMH levels can actually tell you about your fertility at 27, why your partner’s health is just as important in the equation, and why a preconception screen is the best first step for peace of mind.
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CREDITS
Hosts: Claire Murphy and Dr Mariam
Guest: Doctor Eva Jackson
Senior Producers: Claire Murphy and Sally Best
Executive Producer: Grace Rouvray
Group Executive Producer: Ilaria Brophy
Audio Producer: Scott Stronach
Video Producer: Julian Rosario
Social Producer: Elly Moore
Mamamia acknowledges the Traditional Owners of the Land we have recorded this podcast on, the Gadigal people of the Eora Nation. We pay our respects to their Elders past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures.
Information discussed in Well. is for education purposes only and is not intended to provide professional medical advice. Listeners should seek their own medical advice, specific to their circumstances, from their treating doctor or health care professional.
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TRANSCRIPT
You're listening to a Mamamia podcast.
Mariam, what gets you going sexually?
00:10Speaker 2
It is when my husband shows up, just appears. When he does, like, things without me asking, right, So, my goodness, Like he's packed the kids their lunches, he's taken a bit of my mental load. He's done a bit of cleaning. Men do not understand.
00:31Speaker 1
Okay, men do not understand me. Take a little bit of mental load, it is so hot
00:38Speaker 2
So hot,
00:46Speaker 1
Hi there, welcome to Well your Full Body Health Check. I'm Claire Murphy.
00:50Speaker 2
And I'm doctor Mariam.
00:51Speaker 1
And today we're talking about Libido time to get spicy. There is always a lot of comparisons about how women's health issues have been overlooked while men get pills for a rectile dysfunction, But there are actually pills for women's desire too, which we will discuss. But we'll also touch on what it is about us that so many of us do seem to lose spark over time. We'll also have a quick consult for Catherine today. She's got a ticking clock issue and she wants to know how to maybe quieten it down just a little bit. But next mariam are you a blow dry girl, after you wash your hair or do you let it just do its thing and air dry.
01:33Speaker 2
I'm gonna be honest. I actually wash my hair every seven to ten days. I know, I know, you know why. I have so much hair, So I have to blow dry my hair after I've had to wash. But I do it in segments because there's so much and it takes so long.
01:50Speaker 1
Oh, this is me crying you tears of sadness for your I have so much glorious flowing hair that it takes me hours to dry, so much work.
02:00Speaker 2
I actually get like I sweat, it's like almost need to shower again. So I'll do like a light blow dry to start with, and then I'll do like a quarter and proper and then I'll just take a couple of hours off and then revisit.
02:13Speaker 1
Over two days, just take breaks between.
02:16Speaker 2
It hurts my arms so painful.
02:19Speaker 1
Rip your hairdresser. Okay, Well, next in med school, I'm gonna reveal which one to blow dry or not to blow dry is actually better for your hair.
Welcome to med school.
Is it better for your hair to leave it to dry naturally or use a blow dry? I unlike you with your glorious tresses have very fine hair, not a lot of it, so I almost have to race from the shower to the hair dry before it starts drying by itself.
02:47Speaker 2
What happens if it dries.
02:48Speaker 1
If it dries naturally by itself, it ends up in weird shapes. Okay, so it's naturally straight, so I don't straighten it. But if I don't blow dried, it's almost stuck to my scalp and it's very flat, so it needs some kind of air in there for vol But if you've ever visited a hairdresser, they will have different opinions, which is funny because they'll tell you you need to put stuff on your hair to protect it from any heat, and we use a lot of heat with curlers or straighteners or hair dryers whilst they simultaneously fry your hair as they blow right from the roots right. But here's the thing. Your hair can absorb about thirty percent of its weight when it's wet, so it soaks up the water and swells from the inside. So what that means is it's stretching your hair's outer layer or cuticle, and that puts pressure on the cell membrane complex. That's the glue that holds all those cuticles together and forms the length of your hair. So if you leave it wet, it stays in that vulnerable swollen state for longer, and then cracks can form due to that swelling. That is what then causes damage to the cuticle itself, and sometimes it can also cause your colour to fade because the color is absorbed in them. And then if you leave it wet and out to dry naturally, can crack that and make the colour stuff to go right, So, what is the best option for hair health? According to research. Yes, research has been done on this. Blow drying on medium heat from fifteen centimeters away fifteen fifteen Oh jeez, I know.
04:17Speaker 2
It's it's fair ways away from your head. That's more arm work.
04:21Speaker 1
It is more arm work. You can get bigger by steps, keep the dryer moving so it doesn't heat up one area for too long, and then drying it till it's just about eighty percent and then leaving the rest to dry naturally. Okay, that apparently causes less damage than just doing nothing. So little bit of heat not too much. So apparently then too, you should finish off with a bit of a cool blast of air because it helps seal the cuticle part of it and also stops the residual heat.
04:50Speaker 2
And it holds its shape longer.
04:52Speaker 1
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, So just measure fifteen to get a ruler. Jeez, measure fifteen centimeters away from you head.
05:00Speaker 2
Yeah, it's going to be a little bit hard work. Sorry about that.
05:04Speaker 1
On the way, today's check up, where we are off in search of all of our lost libidos,
or never found? Where did they go?
05:15Speaker 3
It's time for the checkup?
05:18Speaker 1
Mariam? What gets you going sexually?
05:20Speaker 2
Well, okay, if you ask me, ten years ago been very different, right, what is it today?
today? It is when my husband shows up, just appears, when he does like things without me asking, right, So, my goodness, Like he's packed the kids their lunches, he's taken a bit of my mental load, he's done a bit of cleaning.
05:44Speaker 1
Men do not understand. Okay, men do not understand me take a little bit of mental load. Is so hot?
05:54Speaker 2
It is so hot, so hot.
05:56Speaker 1
Yeah. But Mariam, do many women speak to you about not being motivated to have sex anymore?
06:01Speaker 4
Okay?
06:02Speaker 2
So women will often say I just don't feel like having sex anymore, and it's kind of like, oh, this is the status quo. I've accepted it, and it's not something they generally come to me with, so.
06:15Speaker 1
That's always they've already accepted this.
06:16Speaker 2
Yeah, that's where they're at, and it's like the norm and it's acceptable, and sometimes they don't offer that information. I as a GP like to cover a lot of sexual health in my consultations, and a lot of the time that I will get, is something wrong with me? And I want to say, nothing is wrong with you. You're not broken, and you're definitely not the only one feeling this way. Three of us in the room have put our hands up. In fact, Australian research shows that one in three women will experience low sexual desire at some point in their life, so that's a third of us. So if you're nodding along right now, you're in good company. And what's interesting, it's rarely about not wanting sex. Sometimes it's medical, sometimes emotion. On a lot of the time it's both. So let's start with the medical side of things. So a lot of the time there's a hormonal issue at play. You may have just had a baby, you might be going through perimenopause or menopause, and we know a lot of medications to side effect can be loss of libido. Then there's low iron, thyroid issues, chronic pain, endometriosis. They all can play a role as well, So before you start blaming yourself or your relationship, it's worth getting a checkup. Then there's the emotional and relationship side. So when you're juggling work, especially as a female, you've got your family, You've got the mental and emotional load, and that invisible to do list that just never ends. Your brain's just in this survival mode, and a brain that's trying to get through the day isn't exactly thinking, yes, let's get it on tonight, I really want some penis.
07:51Speaker 1
And there's something about like, you know, you might even be in a great frame of mind and thinking, yeah, I am feeling turned on right now, and then your partner will be like, where's my shoes and you're like, oh yeah, oh now, I'm just dealing with another child, and it's like that switches off immediately, right, So it doesn't take much to turn off. And we're not always visual creatures either. Women. We are very much in our heads and we like to be turned on in different ways, not just like and I know I've had conversations with my friends and one of my friends said, have any of your husbands just like pulled it out and said, hey, let's go, And we've all kind of gone yeah, and they're like, did that work for any of you? And one of our friends has got like quite a high libido and she's like, Yep, I'm ready to go anytime of the day or night, and that works for her. But for the rest of us, we were like, no, it does not work for me. But when I asked, have any of you talked to your husbands about that? And they're like, yeah, we tried to say something like that doesn't work, but none of us said what would work? Yeah, so the communication wasn't great with that either.
08:58Speaker 2
I always tell my husband's sex starts before the bedroom, and I know it's hard with kids, liked you kind of have to book in that intimacy.
09:05Speaker 1
Yep, and then there's always that paranoid that they're gonna wake up and walk in or whatever
09:09Speaker 2
But it's just like when it becomes schedule, it's just loses it. It just loses it. But yeah, for me, definitely sex starts before the bedroom. I'm not someone who's just going to be aroused because you've flopped out your penis. That doesn't talk for me, buddy, Yes.
09:24Speaker 1
It doesn't work. I mean for some it does like it just doesn't.
09:27Speaker 2
It's just doing that. It's just like this thing that's just like flopping there. It's just doesn't do it.
09:33Speaker 1
My friend said to me, your husband came up and said, hey, baby, have you seen this lately? And she said, yeah, I see it all the time. What? Come on, you can do better than that.
09:43Speaker 2
Pack it away, buddy,.
09:45Speaker 1
Put a little bit more effort in. But if someone is struggling to have this discussion with a medical professional, like if they feel like they've done what they can on their own and they want a bit of extra help, what do you suggest they do to get the ball rolling.
09:58Speaker 2
I would suggest if you want to speak to your GP about it, finding maybe like a woman's health GP to start with. A lot of unfortunately, gps aren't really comfortable with having this conversation. I've seen a lot of patients say, tried to bring this up in the past and I didn't really get much answers or help, and that kind of shut them down or made them feel embarrassed. So I think having that conversation with someone who has experience in the area is going to make you feel a lot more comfortable and you're going to get the results that you want. So I would start by finding a GP with experience and then just letting them know I'm not feeling myself, I'm not feeling connected, I don't feel like having sex anymore. Is there something medically happening, and then the doctor will just take it from there. They'll ask you all the questions and they will guide the consultation based on what they think is appropriate. A good GP will make you feel comfortable, ask the right questions, and give you the support that you need.
10:58Speaker 1
Yeah. WhenI started researching libido. I actually realized that I don't know what it is. We talk about it like it's a physical thing in our bodies. Yeah that you can like point to, yeah, point of like that's where my libido lives. But yeah, so really I don't know what it is other than it's the urge to have sex. But it is a lot more than that. We are pretty complicated beings us, ladies, and can I also say too that, like, if you don't want to have sex anymore and you're very comfortable with that like,
Thats fine!
There is no one telling you that you have to have sex to be you know, I don't know, af functioning human, Like, you can live without it if that's your choice, and you're very happy.
11:32Speaker 2
With that too, And a lot of people are and choose to them.
11:36Speaker 1
Yeah, exactly, like and that's totally fine. But like, can I say for my LGBTQI mates, And this is not saying that they are all like this, because we're all different, but they seem to be a lot better at engaging in sex but also just talking about it with each other, like grown ass humans who have once and needs and they're happy to like discuss that and put it out there.
11:58Speaker 2
I don't know whether that's it is a thing I don't definitely see. Like I find with a lot of my heterosexual female friends that sex often feels transactional. It's like, oh, it's just another to do this job to do it's like a job something get over with, all right done? You know, Yeah, that's amazing, jeez, Claire your winning. What we actually crave is that engagement, that emotional foreplay, that communication and touch that isn't really goal driven or like a tick off the list. And you're right, because a lot of the lgbtqi I folk. They seem to have more open conversations about sex, not because they're magically better at it, they probably are.
12:41Speaker 3
But.
12:43Speaker 2
Because their relationships often require more conscious communication from the start, and they've had to define what intimacy means to them rather than just following a script. And that's something I guess everyone can learn from, like having those open, honest conversations saying this is what it looks like for me.
13:02Speaker 1
I guess too when we're talking about libido in women. When we talk about men, for example, and we know that there are, you know, medical interventions for them, like rectile dysfunction pills, but there's this idea that if a man loses his ability to get or maintain an erection, that there is a problem, that there is a medical issue, and so him not being able to get an erection is an issue. But for women, we don't have that equivalent. So, like, I wonder, what are the medical benefits for us to have our libidos fully functioning? Like I know that there was some research recently that suggested that masturbation was good for you when you're in menopause, that it had benefits, But I'm not sure if we have an equivalent of a erectile dysfunction relating to a man being physically healthy as opposed to us not having a libido and not being physically healthy.
13:53Speaker 2
We have that hyperactive sexual desire disorder. So there is a term HSDD, and there is treatment for that for females who have low libido if they meet the criteria. But I don't know whether or not as females there is that added benefit medically from orgasms. I'm sure in the moment there is maybe mental health. Maybe mental health. Yeah, we'll have to look into that. It's interesting, definitely worth a chat.
14:21Speaker 1
Yeah. Next, doctor Eva Jackson's going to tell us more about where a libido actually lives, how to wake it up if it's been snooz’in a while, and what things we know about both medical and non medical approaches to help.
Okay, today's expert is doctor Eva Jackson. She is a sexual health physician, and we started our chat by asking her what even is a libido?
Now, Eva, I think we want to start off by at first kind of establishing what a libido even is, because, like, if there's something going on with our bodies, often we can point to the spot and go right, that is where the problem is. But when we talk about issues with our libido, we might think it might be in our vagina, but a lot of it's in our head. And so I wanted to just get a definition from you before we go any further. What is our libido? Does it exist as a physical structure, like what is it?
15:19Speaker 3
I guess in medicine, libido is something that we can divide into two parts. So we've got desire, so the one thing to have sex, and then there's the arousal part, and that's the physical part where you know, you get your palpitations, you get the tingling in your vagina, you get the wetness, and they can come together, but they can be separate issues as well too, And libido can be a little bit difficult to, you know, to understand, and often when I've got someone in front of me, I've got to actually ask them, well, what are you missing? I think it's different for everybody when you're talking about libido, and it's really important to really pin down what the problem is because it can mean a lot of things to a lot of people, and in the end, the whole full definition, you know, doesn't really apply to that individual person.
16:10Speaker 1
Well, can we even talk about using the word libido, because that word was coined quite a long time ago by Sigmund Freud, and many people now say that perhaps it's a little oversimplified, It ignores a lot of societal things, cultural factors, it lacks a fair bit of scientific evidence as well, and that it might sort of overemphasize sex itself in all of this rather than the desire part of it. Would you say that maybe it's time to rethink even using the word libido.
16:38Speaker 3
Yeah, before you mentioned it to me earlier, I sort of thought, well, libido is a word that I see, but we tend not to use a lot of. The original Freudian libido was based on sex, was that the motivation to have sex. But I think Freud sort of expanded his definition somewhat for just the motivation for life and general happiness. I think sometimes men, when they come in and they say they've got low libido, they tend to have a lot more problems with motivation for other things as well, not just libido. But when women come in and specifically say I've lost my libido, got low libidio, they really are talking about just lacking the motivation to want to have sex. So libido I don't like pure definitions. It doesn't work for me, especially now being such a multicultural community. You know, you can sit down with somebody and they use the word because they hear it, but they haven't quite understood it, and it's really what that means to you. Like I said, I prefer to use the word desire because that has connotations of want as opposed to a whole lot of other things libido might encompass. People might think it's sex, people might just think it's dysfunction and in some other way.
17:58Speaker 1
What can we talk about finding issues that we would then take to our doctor and say that I've lost my libido or I've got an issue with my libido. When someone comes in and says those things, are there tests that come to mind that can help people understand where they are physiologically or is this more of a something for our therapist to talk through, Like what sort of tests or medical intervention do we look at when someone comes in and says, I've got a problem with my libido?
18:26Speaker 3
So I guess we're really talking here about cis women. A lot of women when they come in saying you know, they've got a lot of libido, is that they actually don't feel like sex with their partner. And then it's understanding what's going on. There's certainly you want to ask a lot about what's happening sexually, what's happening about their relationship, work, you know, things that are going on around them, and then of course those physical issues as well. Is there genital pain, deep pain? Is there, you know, a lack of lubrication, what's actually going on? Depending on what the actual issue is, there may be tests. A lot of women go directly to hormones, especially if they're older. So am I sort of premenopausal? Am my menopausal? Is that going to affect me? And that might be worth some investigations, And of course if there's pain and other physical issues there may also be some investigations for that as well too. And of course if there are some sort of chronic diseases that may affect particularly arousal, so arousal being usually whilst women will define their arousal as really not lubricating very much, it's a bit more difficult to have sex. But often there are a lot of things going on around that don't have anything to do with a physical problem and then maybe it's more sort of talking it through.
19:51Speaker 1
What would you say the most common reasons are for women to either lose interest in that desire or to have issues with desiring sex.
20:02Speaker 3
I think the most common reason is being in a long term relationship. So the longer you're with a partner, the less spontaneous desire that you know, women tend to have. And I think it's that sort of Hollywood kind of sex sort of coming through in that when we first meet someone, that's all very exciting and there's a lot of chemicals going around us that sort of allows spontaneous desire just oh my god, I want it now, you know, and let's do it. It all works. So the thing is the longer you're with somebody that doesn't happen as much. It holds true for men. Men are a bit simpler in that respect, I guess is that there have an on off switch and that arousal is spontaneous. But for women there's a lot of, can be, a lot of other things that have to be right, you know, before they have spontaneous desire or not even spontaneous sort of a desire that's brought on that actually tells you, yeah, sex would be really nice right now. And I think a lot of people still believe that if they love someone, if they in the presence of someone they enjoy, that they should just have that arousal in them and that desire for them, which doesn't necessarily hold true.
21:16Speaker 1
Well, can we talk about that, because you've mentioned spontaneous desire a few times, and that is if you could explain what spontaneous desire is and then how there's this idea that maybe women are more reactive desire based rather than spontaneous.
21:31Speaker 3
So a spontaneous desire is just that you look at your partner or a someone, I want to have sex, and you've got the physical feelings on the inside that say, yes, let's do this now. And I think the longer you are with someone that doesn't necessarily hold true. It's just some spontaneous desire is really just looking and saying, yeah, that would be nice. And I think a lot of women would like to be more like men in that sort of way, Like.
21:58Speaker 1
It sounds easier, does a bit.
22:01Speaker 3
Yeah. The problem is I think in the beginning it's cultural. You know, once upon a time, you know, we weren't meant to have a libido women one hundred years ago. It's like that was women are meant to want to have sex, So now you're normal, but now we're supposed to want to have it, and suddenly you're not normal when you don't want to have it. So yeah, it is very culturally defined what's normal and what's not, and there's not as far as I'm concerned, really there's not an abnormal. It's really what you need right now and how can we make that better for you.
22:35Speaker 1
I wanted to speak to you too about the fact that there seems to be a lot of people in our social media feeds that claim they have the answer to fixing our libidos. That could be anything from acupuncture, pressure points, nasal sprays. We see the Kardashians have, you know, got lines of things that they are promoting as being libido fixes. What should we be aware of when it comes to looking at helping our sexual desires and a lot of the things that are maybe being marketed at us as solutions.
23:06Speaker 3
First thing is safety. You want to know if you're get to take a product, at least it's safe. If it doesn't do anything, you want it to be safe. There's a lot of placeebo. In these things, you buy something, it works initially because you believe it's going to work, and then it doesn't. Belief is really important when it comes to something like libido. I think like a lot of libido really has to do with communication. If you're in a long term monogamous relationship, if that's what we're talking about here, a lot of it is to do with the communication with your partner. Testosterone is usually the thing that women talk to me a lot about, which is a possibility in older women who have hit menopaude, and that's available for women if you know that you have a sort of what we call a hypo desire sort of disorder. It's not really appropriate for younger women, and it really is. Again, it's really communication and understanding what you need to improve your libido.
24:07Speaker 1
Well, can we talk about one thing. I saw a neuroscientist on my social media feed claiming that women getting just one extra hour of sleep a night increases her libido by fourteen percent. Now I do not know on what research he has based this claim on, but would you say that women getting more sleep does in fact help libido?
24:30Speaker 3
So I had a look at that and it comes from it. I think it was twenty fourteen or twenty eighteen paper. Well, extra sleep would help a lot of things. It certainly helps your energy levels and just your ability to do a lot of things during that day. So I certainly agree if you get good sleep, it was going to help.
24:50Speaker 1
There are lots of women online now who seem very concerned that maybe the oral contraceptive pill might be interrupting their libido. Do we have any research that proves that or disproves that?
25:02Speaker 3
Yeah, yeah, so there is there is research. The thing about the oral contraceptive pill is that it increases something called serum hormone binding globulin in your body. And as the name suggests, it binds hormone and so therefore your hormone is not available to you, and in particular, it binds testosterone. Women only have a tiny amount of testosterone. So for example, we say women normal amounts of testosterone is less than two for women, whereas men, you know, you're upwards of ten to ten to thirty, right, So we have tiny amounts. So for some women who have particular receptor types need more testosterone than others to get all of the testosterone functioning. Cells working, So that is true.
25:56Speaker 1
So you've mentioned a few times that a lot of the issues that you encounter with patients is probably a lack of communication, and that does often spring from being in a long term relationship. So would you say that therapy can actually help libido?
26:13Speaker 3
Yes, it can, and I think therapy with the partner is really important. You have a lot of women coming in who want to work on it alone because they believe it's their problem. The thing is, it's a couple's issue. The thing that reduces women's libido or desire the most is actually a long term relationship. So the easiest way to increase your desire is to get a new partner, and that's not really, it might be for some women they may actually need a new partner, but for a lot of women that's not an option. You need your partner to be involved to understand what's going on, because you know, people don't talk about sex very often, and so you go into a relationship it's all good sexually, you have your spontaneous arousal and fireworks go. But you're together for a while and it's not spontaneous anymore, and then it's the understanding of what she has to understand what she needs. That's hard enough as it is, let alone trying to communicate that to a partner, and we fall into these sexual scripts where we tend to do the same thing sort of every time, and it's very hard to get out of that. So, for example, you know, like I said, men often have more spontaneous arousal. They'll get home from work and partner is there and hey, she's pretty, let's do it. Whereas for her, it's not quite like that. In a lot of circumstances, and women may have spontaneous desire, but a lot of women may actually start their their sexual encounter somewhere else. Some women need emotional intimacy, you know, so they need shells of love and encouragement to get into that cycle. Some women just need to be touched, right, and maybe he's learned to touch her and ways that are really counter productive for her. But it's too hard to say otherwise and to sort of redirect the touching to what she prefers. And some women actually will start at orgasm before they have any spontaneous arousal kind of I'm difficult to understand if you're not one of those women. But you know, there's some women who will say, Okay, we'll just get into it, because I know once I get going, I have my orgasms. Then yeah, okay, I'm feeling it now, let's do this again. And of course there's those usual things of time factors, stress, children, needing a quiet space, needing to wind down.
28:40Speaker 1
What would you say to someone who is listening to this right now and thinks, yeah, I'm really struggling with this. What are the first steps that she can take? And when should she look at getting professional medical help with libido?
28:54Speaker 3
I think if she's got chronic disease, diseases on medication, it's worthwhile talking to the doctor. You know, is there a medication I'm on that's not helping. Often the main culprit can be antidepressants, you know, SSRIs that tends to reduce your desire, and if for a lot of women that can really produce an orgasmia of difficulty reaching orgasm, or not reaching orgasm at all, because it blocks a lot of pathways in that respect. Might be something as simple as changing medication perhaps, but if you’re otherwise fit and healthy, I think if you can actually talk to your partner, that's a really good start. And that's a really difficult, difficult conversation to have. And of course we're really talking about relationships that are respectful and loving as well. If you're talking about relationships that are coercive or violent or just have some bad history, I think that's another sort of route of counseling as well.
30:02Speaker 1
So Mariam does seem that communication seems to be the key here if your lack of libido or desire is not influenced by a chronic disease. But why is this so scary to talk about? Do you think?
30:13Speaker 2
I think as we were never taught how so, like most of us grew up with silence around sex and intimacy. Maybe we had some anatomy classes in school, maybe a warning about pregnancy or but there was never any teaching about pleasure connection or emotional intimacy. So when we try to talk about it as adults, it feels like we're vulnerable and we're exposing something deeply personal. Maybe we should be ashamed about it, maybe it will be judged for it And there's that fear of rejection or am I going to hurt this person's feelings because they're not providing for me the way that I want them too.
30:51Speaker 1
What if they like something that I don't like, is that going to be a deal breaker?
30:54Speaker 2
But the irony is as we try to avoid it, the bigger that gap comes. And the couples who thrive aren't the ones to have perfect sex lives. They're the ones who can talk about it without that shame or that fear of judgment. So I would just start small, sit down and say, hey, we need to talk about sex, or you can start with hay, I miss feeling close to Can we try something different, Keep it curious, not critical, because at the end of the day, communication is foreplay. Well it is for me anyway. Yeah, and in my limited experience, it is how desire grows.
31:30Speaker 1
Yeah, okay, yeah, let's start talking friends. You never know what the outcome might be. Might be something might be an orgasm, might be an orgasm, and that would be fabulous.
31:38Speaker 2
That would be fabulous.
31:40Speaker 1
Next, Catherine isn't ready for babies like situationally or financially, but she cannot stop thinking about it. We’ll get some help for her next.
Okay, doc, do you think it's quick consult time? The doctor will see you now. Just through here to consult room one.
32:03Speaker 2
Thanks for waiting. How can I help you?
32:05Speaker 1
Remember. If you want to get a question to the good doctor here, you can do it by sending us an email well at Mamamia dot com dot AU. You can do what Catherine did and hit us up on our Instagram DMS, or you can do it by the waiting room. It's an online form that you can find the link to in our show notes. Very easy. I get Catherine's filling that clock a tick in want some advice on what to do to drown it out for a bit. Here we go, she wrote.
32:26Speaker 4
I'm twenty seven and my partner is thirty seven. We're just about to finish building our first home together and are wanting to start a family in the near future. However, the prospect of not being able to get pregnant gives me great anxiety almost daily. I have no family history of trouble getting pregnant or any reason to be concerned, but it hangs over my head most days. I'm almost tempted to start trying straight away, even though we ideally would like to wait a few years to settle ourselves financially, simply just to know one way or the other if I can or can't get pregnant. My partner suggested maybe it's worth speaking to my doctor and getting some tests done to find out if we do have anything to be concerned about. My question is what should I be asking to get tested for to understand my fertility? And is it just me that should be getting tests done or should my partner also be looking into it?
33:12Speaker 2
Okay, First of all, you are not alone in this sphere. I see so many women in their twenties. We're thinking about babies one day, not right now, but the what if I can't get pregnant voices living rent free in their brain, And it makes sense. Fertility is one of those topics that gets whispered about. It's rarely explained properly, and the horror stories always travel further than the normal ones. Here's the deal. You're twenty seven. You've got no red flags from what you've told me, medically, no family history suggesting issues, so on paper, your body's not secretly plotting against you. But anxiety we know it doesn't care about logic. So I always tell people preconception screens. You know, whether it's a year or two or three prior is always a good idea. Baseline tests might help settle your mind and that's completely reasonable. For you,hat generally means a general health a reproductive screen. We'll look at your ovulation patterns, and sometimes we may do an AMH level, which gives a rough idea of your ovarian reserve. Saying that it's rough because it's not a crystal ball.
34:21Speaker 1
No one goes into one, two, three, four, how many eggs are in this.
34:26Speaker 2
It doesn't tell us if you can or can't get pregnant. It just gives context. So you could have really high numbers and still have issues with fertility. You can have really small numbers and have really great egg quality. And fertility is a team sport. I need to say it takes two to tango. If you're exploring this early, it absolutely makes sense for your partner to be included. A simple Semon analysis is cheap, quick and gives a lot of great information, and also a general health check with your partner is also required. Men's age does matter as well. We pretend sperm stays young forever, but as men get older, motility, shape and DNA quality can dip a bit. Your partner is thirty seven, still very much in the fertile age range, but if you're doing checks he definitely needs to be part of the picture too. Most importantly, I would say, don't feel pressured to start trying just because you're ready to silence the What if at twenty seven you're biologically in a really favorable window. If some basic tests give you peace of mind, fantastic, go ahead and do them, but bring your partner into that conversation o future parenthood is a joint project, it's not solo investigation. And remember, worrying about fertility doesn't mean something is wrong. It means you're human. You're planning a life chapter and your brain's trying to get ahead of the story. So chat with your GP. But if you feel like this anxiety's just kind of popping up day to day, I think that's also worth exploring with your doctor.
35:55Speaker 1
Yeah, maybe doing some tests will put your mind at ease, but bear in mind too that sometimes doing those tests might increase your anxiety.
36:04Speaker 2
Yeah, especially if you know we uncover something.
36:06Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah, so you might want to just factor that in yeah too. All right, Catherine, Hopefully that has answered your question today. But remember we love that you spend time with us here on well and we love getting all your advice. But it is general. The info you've heard here today is general, not specific. For you. Make sure you learn from it. Use it for the list of questions you take to your own doctors to sort out what's right for you.
Next week, Mariam, some ye oldie worldy STIs are making a very uncomfortable comeback and we apparently do not care enough about it. So we're going to get all down and dirty in the sexually transmitted infections of the past and now sadly our present. But also a quick ask, would you mind rating and reviewing us in your podcast app It helps us out a lot more than you know.
Please please, please, thank you very much and we'll catch you for your appointment next week. Bye Bye
Well is produced by me Claire Murphy and our senior producer Sally Best, with audio production by Scott Stronach, video production by Julian Rosario, and social production by Elly Moore.
Mammamia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land. We've recorded this podcast on the Gadigal people of the Eora Nation. We pay our respects to their elders past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait islander cultures.