Today I F****d Up is a collection of true stories and essays that are equal parts hilarious and horrific, a timely reminder that no matter how terrible things get, they could always be (way) worse.
In this chapter - The Flight From Hell - first-time mum Megan is flying from Sydney to Arizona with her husband Chris and their four-month-old baby Jack. But when Chris and Megan parts ways at Los Angeles airport (Chris is spending two days in Georgia watching the golf), things start to unravel.
A previously constipated Jack begins to fill his nappy with impressive consistency and things go from bad to worse when Megan learns her husband has inadvertently taken the nappy bag with him.
* * * * * * *
Under the unforgiving halogen lights of the airport bathroom, the full scope of Jack’s s**t-uation revealed itself. ‘Jack, wow,’ I said, unwrapping the nappy and holding my breath. By now I was largely desensitised to poop, but occasionally he’d serve up something that warranted a reaction. ‘F**k me.’
Instinctively, I checked over my shoulder. Chris and I had agreed not to swear in front of Jack, though he was halfway to Georgia so I figured all bets were off. ‘That’s a real doozy.’ Jack grinned back at me: yes, that’s right, Mother, some of my best work.
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I had the nappy routine down to a fine art, and we worked together in perfect harmony. Jack offered his tiny ankles up, I scooped them together in one hand, wielding a wet wipe in the other.
‘There we go, all better and let’s never talk of this again,’ I said, tossing the napalm nappy into the bin.
I gave Jack a final once over and then reached down for the nappy bag which Chris had so diligently packed away in the undercarriage of the pram. Except he hadn’t.
Sitting in the spot where the nappy bag was supposed to be was a small zip-up case, a golf ball emblem stitched on the outside. Not again, Chris, please not again.
I already knew what was inside, but I opened the bag anyway: two golf gloves and Chris’s hideous Nike DRI-Fit golf polo shirt, but not a single nappy. This can’t be happening.
Besides Jack’s actual NAPPIES, the nappy bag was home to several crucial baby bits and pieces: dummy, wet wipes, portable change mat, rash cream. All these items had been ticked off Chris’s godforsaken list but what’s the point of even having a list when you take the wrong bag?