kids

Pete Evans has shared the breakfast he feeds his kids and sir, we have precisely 5 questions.

Pete Evans – the celebrity chef known for his arguments that paleo can prevent autism, sunscreen is full of poisonous chemicals and dairy can remove calcium from your bones – has shared a photo of the breakfast he makes his two daughters, Chilli and Indii.

“Surf and turf breakfast for the girls,” he captioned the Instagram image on Wednesday. “Boiled organic eggs topped with [caviar], kraut and the new [organic] grass fed wagyu hotdog with chilli sauce.”

“They also get a little fruit and coconut yoghurt and chicken broth most days before heading off for the day,” he added. “Always some form of animal fat and Protein in the form of land or water based animals including eggs.”

“We cover all this in our book bubba yum yum for toddlers and children.”

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That book, for the record, is the same one that suggested parents feed bone broth to babies, despite the Public Health Association of Australia saying the recipe could kill a baby due to its high vitamin A content.

In light of the controversy, the book's publisher dropped it, leading Evans and his co-authors to publish it independently and release it as an e-book.

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But putting all that aside, caviar.

For children.

For breakfast.

On a school day.

Stop it I'm obsessed.

The fanciest my mum ever got for breakfast was maybe scrambled eggs on toast and there were definitely eggs shells mixed in and out-of-date butter on the bread.

Watch: Pete Evans' paleo challenge was slammed by experts. Post continues after video.

Video by SBS The Feed

But if Pete Evans wants to feed his kids caviar, organic meat, and kraut that's fine.

I just have questions.

1. Is the garnish necessary?

It's 6.30 in the morning because you're Pete Evans and you got up at 5am to stare directly at the sun for hours on end.

You're putting breakfast together for your daughters, and just happen to have caviar in the cupboard to give to your 11 and 14 year olds.

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Then, after making eggs, cutting up wagyu hotdogs and spreading them out on the plate, something hits you: my children need garnish.

garnish
Do they, though?

I'm opposed to garnish generally, but for a child? For breakfast? On a Wednesday?

Sir.

That's time none of us have.

2. Must you put the chilli sauce on each individual piece of meat?

Speaking of time, in the interest of efficiency, let the children sauce their own hotdog.

meat
Why tho
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Was it necessary for Pete to cut up the hotdog into seven individual pieces? No.

Was it necessary to sauce them by piece? Also no.

WHAT IF IT'S TOO MUCH SAUCE FOR INDII'S TASTE.

3. What happens when the kids go out for breakfast and try to order caviar?

Going out for brunch is a quintessentially Byron Bay thing to do, so what happens when the Evans family go out to eat?

Waitperson: Hi, what can I get you?

Child: I'll have boiled organic eggs.

Waitperson: OK... would you like...

Child: Caviar.

Waitperson: Oh, no.

Child: And sauerkraut.

Waitperson: I don't think...

Child: And my wagyu hotdog cut into seven pieces with each one individually sauced.

Waitperson: I...

Child: And bone broth. Freshly made.

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4. How much does this... cost? Per serve?

The reason people don't typically feed caviar to children is because a) it's expensive, and b) no, it's like really expensive.

I imagine organic grass fed wagyu hotdogs aren't cheap either, and I wouldn't be surprised if Pete is using a rare chilli sauce found only in ancient Egypt and bottled only by people whose hands are made of gold.

I feel like someone should tell him that a box of Weetbix is like $5 and provides MULTIPLE breakfasts.

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5. If Pete's kids have a sleepover, does he make this for everyone?

Imagine sleeping over at a friend's house, and you're keen for twisties but also lollies but also biscuits and maybe even maltesers.

Then, this comes out:

pete evans
Is the sauce chocolate or na?

So you're like, that's OK, that's dinner but maybe we'll get something sweet for dessert. Then, a tanned man serves you this:

Okay
Okay

Then this:

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pete evans
I DON'T WANT WILD BOAR SALAMI.

Then this:

pete evans
PUT IT AWAY

You then go to sleep, your stomach crying, and imagine that maybe, just maybe, you'll wake up to pancakes. Or waffles!

Then you smell the caviar.

no
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And you're like NA, WTF DUDE. THIS IS A SLEEPOVER. THE PRIMARY PURPOSE OF THE EVENT IS SUGAR.

That is what happens at Pete Evans' house.

Of course, I'm sure it's very nutritious, and if Pete has been feeding his daughters a paleo diet for years, they're likely to love it.

It's just not realistic for everyone.

And that, my friends, is why god invented Weetbix.

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