Michelle the Mother. I felt fine about that. I’d bought everything on my list, I’d read a few books, I’d even attended an additional antenatal course, just to really make sure I had it covered (I mean, One Born Every Minute wasn’t going to cover all bases, right?).
I felt professionally at the top of my game, I was running an extremely successful dating platform. I had great friends and a great family life (my husband and I had been together for five years at the time), so motherhood… well, that seemed like just another step in my life, the next chapter in my book.
When Finlay arrived, I felt as if I had been naive. I hadn’t appreciated how different everything would become. He was incredible, beautiful, fragile. I couldn’t believe I’d had any part in something so, perfect, all four kilograms of him. But I was scared, I felt like everything was changing and it was out of my control.
I’d gone from working a million miles an hour, around people constantly and all of a sudden I was at home all day on my own with this little dude. It was a difficult adjustment.
My husband would go to work every day and ‘leave’ me at home, sounds ridiculous to phrase it like that, but that’s how it felt at the time. I wasn’t really sure who Michelle the Mother was. The strongest feeling was that I’d really lost my identity.
I wasn't really sure who I was anymore, and the very ‘together’ me felt dangerously close to falling apart.
I found it really difficult to relate to the portrayal of motherhood I was seeing across social media and in the books and forums. I didn’t recognise the tone of voice being used to address me, it was infantilising.