My ex was the ultimate victim. Someone was always out to get him, mistreating him or, expecting too much of him. He was also passive-aggressive as hell. When we divorced he accused me of abusing and taking advantage of his “good nature.”
What had I done? I had always chosen what movies we went to on movie nights. Yep, the passive man who laid every decision at my feet. Whose typical response was, “whatever you want to do,” decided to dredge up 20 years of me always getting to pick the movies.
And, of course, he has a long list of movies he never got to see because of my abuse. This guy never had an opinion on anything. Where we ate when we ate out. Where we went when we went on vacation. He didn’t have an opinion but he was adept at keeping a running tally of all the things I had “forced” him to do over the years.
It’s so typically passive aggressive!
Below is what I learned about victimhood and passive-aggressive behaviour from my ex.
The passive aggressive feel they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because, in their mind, it was someone else’s fault that they were late. The passive aggressive is always the victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.
The three part relationship theory that will change the way you think about life. Post continues.
Why Does the Passive Aggressive Play the Victim Role?
I find human behaviour fascinating. Not only human behavior but the reasons behind the behaviour. There is a pay-off for all of us when it comes to the way we conduct ourselves in life. If we weren’t getting something out of it, we wouldn’t be doing it. Simple huh? Simple until you become involved with a passive aggressive.
What is the pay-off for the passive-aggressive who plays the victim? It is a ploy they use to turn the tables and make them appear to be the injured party. The passive aggressive knows something about the person they are intimately involved with. They know that most people involved with a passive aggressive are empathetic, most are co-dependent and most don’t like the idea of others suffering… in other words, they are very easily manipulated. That is the pay-off, being in a relationship that enables them to have the upper hand.
In What Ways Does Playing the Victim Pay-Off?
- If you are the “victim,” you don’t have to take responsibility for any problems in the relationship.
- If you are the “victim,” you don’t have to take responsibility for any bad behaviors.
- If you are the “victim” you can blame others for your failures.
- If you are the “victim” your dissatisfaction is always someone else’s fault.
- If you are the “victim” you don’t have to be responsible for your own life.
My sons have been exposed to their father’s victim mentality. A glaring example of the ploy used in his need to be the victim is how he dismisses them and then acts as if he is the injured party. For example, he refused their request for him to visit them. His response to them was, “you know where I am, you can come see me anytime you wish.” In his skewed perception of reality, it was his son’s place to maintain a relationship with him and when they did not put any effort into that, he was the victim of their abandonment.