sex

The three signs that your partner isn't sexually attracted to you, according to an expert.

Truth-be-told, attraction is fleeting, meaning that it can come and go at will.

This is especially true when you’ve been in a long-term relationship for a while.

Guess what? It’s normal! But, what isn’t so normal or wonderful for that matter is when your partner completely stops being sexually attracted to you.

Yikes! However, although painful, it’s important to be aware of the signs, so your sexual chemistry doesn’t fizzle out permanently. And, if there is still something smoldering between you, you may still have a chance to revive the sexual fire in your relationship, but you need to get started now.

So, if you are wondering if your partner has lost interest, take a look at this article and learn the warning signs, before it’s too late.

Listen: What is the right the thing to say to a friend who’s going through a divorce? The Mamamia Out Loud team discuss. (Post continues…)

Sign 1: Your partner chooses masturbation over sexual intercourse with you…

Truth-be-told, there’s nothing wrong with “getting to know yourself better” and “showing yourself some much-needed self-love, “ however, when that little voice in your head whispers to you that your partner is shunning your advances, in favor of masturbation, it may be a sign that he/she just isn’t that into you…anymore.

Solution: So, what can you do when your partner enjoys his/her hand over intermingling with your nether regions? Well, my suggestion would be to switch it up. For instance, if your relationship typically consists of “vanilla sex” (i.e. strictly missionary position), try something new.

In other words, go out of your comfort zone to make the sex exciting. Have you ever had sex on top of a washing machine? It’s definitely a wild ride. If you are curious of different sexual positions, browse the internet – you’ll find tons of creative, romantic, and even raunchy ideas that will get those juices flowing again.

Also, add a little fantasy into the mix with sexy costumes and make-believe scenarios. For instance, doctor/patient, cop/criminal, hero/damsel, or boss/maid – you get the drift. The key is to do something different to re-attract your partner. A relationship without creativity is like salad with no dressing – you have to “surrender” sometimes to have a good time!

Sign 2: Your partner is always (or mostly always) cold, hostile and/or distant towards you now…

Sadly, this type of change in demeanour usually means that your partner has unceremoniously checked out of your relationship. Why is your partner behaving this way towards you? Well, because your partner wants to tell you how he/she is feeling, but doesn’t know how, so he/she pushes you away, hoping you’ll get the message.

Solution: Well, this one is a tricky one, but you can turn this all around and have your partner clawing at your clothes. How? Well, first you have to get to the root of the problem (the coldness, hostility, and/or distance), and the best way to do this is to talk to your partner.

However, the worst thing you can do is try to talk to him/her after an argument or when he/she is stressed, upset, angry, or sick. No, the best time to talk to your partner is after you’ve had a pretty lighthearted conversation. In other words, talk to your partner, when the atmosphere is calm and relaxed.

Share your feelings about the state of your relationship, including the sexual part, and then ask your partner how he/she feels about it. Explain to your partner that you have noticed things that make you feel like he/she isn’t sexually attracted to you, but don’t use accusatory statements aimed at your partner.

Also, use “I” statements instead of “you” statements when explaining what you see happening in your relationship and sex life.

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Lastly, tell your partner that you would like to come up with solutions, so you both feel fulfilled in the relationship. Try going on a variety of dates, ranging from fun and easy-going to romantic and kinky. Trust me; spending time together will awaken your sexual chemistry.

"Explain to your partner that you have noticed things that make you feel like he/she isn’t sexually attracted to you, but don’t use accusatory statements aimed at your partner."

Sign 3: Your partner is obsessed with changing his/her appearance and going out – without you…

Has your partner suddenly decided to “revamp” everything about him/her? And, now that your partner has changed his/her appearance (i.e. weight, style, personality, etc.), does he/she want to go out more… without you? If so, there’s a good chance he/she just isn’t that into you… anymore.

There’s nothing wrong with someone improving himself/herself, but it your partner has suddenly become obsessed with “reinventing” himself/herself – without your involvement, he/she may be excluding you because he/she simply isn’t sexually attracted to you anymore. In fact, your partner may be trying to get that sexual spark again – with other women or men.

Solution: So, what can you do in this sticky situation? Well, first of all – all hope is not lost.

There is a way you can have your partner purring like a little kitten again. How? Well, by “reinventing” yourself as well. Get in touch with your sexier, wilder side. Get a new haircut and style that will drive your partner wild, purchase some sexy underwear – and yes, men, you can do this too, revamp your wardrobe, so it turns heads, and quit caring.

Yep, I said - stopping caring or at least “fake it till you make it.” For example, go out with your friends, flirt with the opposite sex (don’t get carried away though), and have a good time – literally. Make your partner see what he/she is missing. Show your partner a different side of you – a fun and sexy side. And, tease and flirt with him/her.

If you do these things, I guarantee that your partner will be salivating at the chance to spend a night or lifetime in your bed.

Dr. R.Y. Langham is a professional consultant for the Between Us Clinic, which provides online sex therapy programs. She holds a Master of Science in marriage and family therapy and a Ph.D in family psychology.

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