When people talk about family estrangement, the story usually goes one way. Adult children cutting off toxic parents; parents who are then forced to live with the consequences of their own behaviour.

But a quietly growing number of parents are beginning to say something that feels almost unspeakable: sometimes, it's the parent who steps away.

On TikTok, estranged parents have begun sharing their side of family breakdown, using the hashtag #doormatmom to push back against the idea that every cut off is about parental cruelty or narcissism. Some describe decades of conflict, manipulation by ex-partners, or being emotionally worn down until contact feels impossible.

For Karen*, the decision to step back from her son came in the middle of what had become an ordinary morning.

"We were in a very busy time of our lives," she said. "We were stressed, as most young families were."

Her son's father, who Karen describes as toxic, had always spoken badly about her to their son. Over time, his disparaging remarks had an impact. Karen's son seemed to hate her, and every day, she felt his disdain.

"My ex had always told my son lies about me. Made comments offhand. All comments were untrue and very hurtful," Karen recalled.

Then one morning, while she was in the kitchen making lunch, Karen's son said something that broke her. It wasn't the most shocking thing he'd ever said, or even the first time he'd said it. But for Karen, it was the final straw.

"My son told me that I wasn't a very good mother. I broke down and cried. I told him that I couldn't do this anymore, go and pack your things and call your father."

Looking back, Karen believes if her son had stayed in her life, the damage would have spread further.

"If he had stayed, he would have ripped the rest of my family apart," she said.

"My mental health was at an all-time low, I had already been criticised and spoken tom badly on a daily basis."

Her daughter was being impacted too, and was deeply concerned about her mother's wellbeing.

"My daughter was really worried about me, she would sit with me and hold my hand when I cried, which was often."

The decision to let her son go was hers, but she had the support of her immediate family.

"The decision was mine, and mine alone, but I was comforted and supported by my husband and daughter."

Still, nothing about it felt clean or resolute. It just felt devastating.

"I knew that he hated me, I wondered if that would ever stop." Over the years, Karen and her son have seen each other, but the relationship never recovered.

"There is only politeness, nothing more."

A different kind of grief.

What followed was not closure, but a different kind of grief. A quiet, recurring kind that hits Karen the hardest on birthdays and holidays.

"But I remind myself that my decision was for my mental health."

When people ask what happened, she says the story is often incomplete and one-sided.

"My son told everyone that I kicked him out of home, he just forgot to tell them the entire story, the important information that led to the outcome," she said.

Although Karen felt she had no choice, she still questioned herself and was often overwhelmed with shame.

"I wondered what I did wrong. I felt like a failure. It took years of therapy and support. I blamed myself for a very long time. But I am an amazing person and a fantastic mother, no one will make me feel any different."

Today, she is firm in her belief that stepping back was the healthiest choice for her family.

"I am happy with how things are. You can love your child, but you don't have to like them," she said.

'More common than people realise.'

According to relationship counsellor Susan De Campo, this kind of parent-initiated estrangement is far more common than people realise. "The issue of parent-child estrangement harks back to around 1975, where eminent family therapist Murray Bowen added the concept of 'Emotional Cutoff' to his family systems theory," she said.

"It was proposed that this cutoff was a way of managing anxiety, unresolved conflict, avoidance of sensitive topics and/or an unwillingness or inability to resolve painful issues."

Parents who stop contact with adult children, she says, are usually trying to protect themselves emotionally.

"Parents who purposefully cease engagement with an adult child typically do so because they cannot find an emotionally safe way to connect with them."

Sometimes, the reasons are deeply confronting.

"The adult child may have values that are completely incompatible with those of the parent, the adult child may have a lifestyle that the parent cannot relate to or condone, or the adult child behaves poorly toward their parent."

That can include financial abuse, manipulation, or denying access to grandchildren. What surprises many families, De Campo says, is that the dynamics behind parent-led and child-led estrangement are often very similar.

"So the dynamics that may cause a parent to cut off from an adult child are not dissimilar to those that underpin why an adult child may cut off from a parent."

In high-conflict separations, she often sees the pattern repeating across generations.

"Family systems theory suggests that this pattern is almost predictable."

While De Campo doesn't believe in moral absolutes, she does believe in emotional safety.

"I think individuals have a right to feel emotionally safe. If this cannot be achieved, and you've tried professional guidance, then a cutoff may be the only option."

Sometimes, repair does happen, but it's often slow and takes work by both sides. Whether reconciliation happens or not, De Campo says the grief is always real.

"The grief associated with these estrangements is immeasurable. The toll it takes on self-worth, self-trust, relational attachments and our physical health is enormous."

For parents like Karen, though, estrangement isn't about punishment or revenge. It's about choosing emotional survival.

'I accept my decision.'

"I pour my heart and soul into all the other areas of my life," she said. "I accept my decision, I accept that we are all here for different reasons and paths. Do I regret my decision? Absolutely not."

Her advice to other parents who may be quietly considering the same step is simple.

"Listen to your heart and your gut, do not let anyone pull emotional strings," she said.

"Everyone's situations are unique and you never know what happens behind closed doors. Don't judge, it's a harsh enough world."

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

Feature Image: Getty. (Stock image for illustrative purposes).