The 32 thoughts every parent has at the school carol concert.

Tis the season. The season for presents and pudding and joy to the world.

And crazy deadlines and vegan relatives and 25 festive catch-ups and… the end of the school year.

It’s been a marathon. But there’s one more test before you can collapse. It’s the end of year concert. And if you’re currently stuck to a flimsy plastic chair in a sweltering school hall, we know exactly what you’re thinking.

  1. Woosh, made it. And Jimmy hasn’t been on yet. This might be the year’s greatest triumph.
  2. Ah. Good seats. Direct phone sight-line to the stage.
  3. Shit, shit, shit, I know this mum sitting next to me. What’s she called??? Ellen, I think it’s Ellen. She’s Alice’s mum.
  4. She’s not Ellen. She’s not Alice’s mum.
  5. There goes another birthday-party invite.
  6. Aw, how cute is that program, with all the comments from the teachers… so thoughtful.
  7. That’s not how you spell choir. Are these the people who are teaching my child?
  8. Jimmy’s not on until an hour in. Will anyone notice if I listen to a podcast?
  9. God, I always forget how young all the teachers are.

10. Is that dad… asleep?

11. So Alison’s son Tom is in the string quartet and the school band and the junior choir. How does she get him to all those rehearsals?

12. Does Alison have a job?

13. That’s right. Alison’s a corporate lawyer.

14. Why aren’t I as together as Alison? I can barely get Jimmy to swimming once a week.

15. The violins. Kill me. I’m so glad Jimmy doesn’t play the violin. Maybe there are advantages to being a bit shit.

16. Oh my God, how cute are those little ballet girls. I wish I had a girl. Maybe we should go for one more

17. Not all girls like ballet. Don’t stereotype. Not worth going through all that vomit for a hypothetical tutu.

18. Here he is, here he is. Ooooh.

Listen to Holly and Andrew Daddo discuss whether you have to stay for the whole school concert on the podcast This Glorious Mess:


19. What do you mean Cannot Take Photo? Argh, storage!!

20. Shit, what can I delete?

21. Stop it, stop it. Live in the moment. Head up.

22. Oh my God, he’s wearing the reindeer horns. I told him to leave them in his bag.

23. And he’s not wearing any shoes…

24. Okay. We’ll go with it.

25. Can he see me? Babe, I’m heeeeere!!

26. Aw. He’s so happy I made it. As if I wouldn’t.

27. Bit louder, darling, they can’t hear you.

28. Ssssssh, babe.

29. Aw, I’m totally going to cry. Look at him, up there being all brave and grown-up.

30. Should have gone for the extra singing lessons, though.

31. Aw, Jimmy’s just finished. CAN I LEAVE NOW?

32. Bugger. Why didn’t I sit on the end of a row?

33. Instagram. It’s the only answer.

How do you survive the school concert? 

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