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"The worst things a non-parent has ever said to me."

These are the top five non-parent ‘zingers’ that left me reeling.

Becoming a parent is like having all the cells in your body, removed, reorganised and replaced. You shoot off to ‘planet parent’, leaving everybody else behind.

Most of the time it’s fun to interact with ‘the others’. Sometimes, it’s enough to turn you off space travel for good.

Some non-parents come up with the most ridiculous, silly, offensive statements and instead of giving them the comeback of your dreams along the lines of “get lost” or “f*** off”, you giggle or mumble.

Let’s revisit the top five non-parent zingers, and feel free to share your favourites as well in the comments section below.

1.”Kids are a sexually transmitted disease.”

It was my first day back at work when I sat down with my male boss and male colleague for a strategy meeting. We exchanged small talk and then they began a conversation as though I wasn’t even in the room, about how neither of them ever wanted to become parents, ever. The very idea horrified them. I had no idea why there were having this particular conversation in front of me on the day of my return.

Then one of them said, “Kids are a sexually transmitted disease”.

I was shocked and stunned. I lasted nine months (fitting really) before I decided a career change was in order.

"I found I kept apologising for my baby."

2. "What's wrong with him?"

I was determined that being a mother wouldn't affect my friendships so I made sure to have lunch with friends as often as possible, bringing my baby along in his pram. Sometimes he would cry. Babies do that. But one particular friend would always become so alarmed and say, "What's wrong with him?" I wish I just said, "Well, he's a baby and babies cry," but I used to explain it away by saying that he's hungry or tired, like I was apologising or something.

Lame.

3. "Can't you just leave him with your mum?"

There was always an assumption from my non-parent friends that I was constantly looking to escape the trap that is motherhood. I must hate it. It must be hideous. They felt the need to rescue me from it by trying to organise weekends away and mini-holidays. They just didn't understand that I didn't want to leave him yet.

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One friend in particular used to always pressure me to go out at night or for the weekend, saying, "Can't you just leave him with your mum?". Um, no, not yet.

Now that my children are older it's a completely different story.

4. "Don't you wish you had a girl?"

Shopping centres are interesting places. Fellow shoppers often feel as though they are allowed to comment on your life, parenting and family structure, just because you are standing in line behind them at Coles.

Older women are the biggest culprits. Case-in-point, the woman who looked at my two boys who were busy choosing a Kinder Surprise and then said to me, "Don't you wish you had a girl?"

"No," I answered honestly, smiling at her when I should have been throwing the Kinder Surprise at her head.

"People would ask if I was happy with boys."

5. "I have no interest in becoming a fat mum".

I have a lot of younger friends who didn't quite know what to do with me once I became a mother. I tried to maintain my friendship with them but with some of them, it was totally impossible.

Particularly the one who said, "I have no interest in becoming a fat mum," every time I discussed my babies, normally coupled with a flick of the hair. I used to be there. I wasn't going to become a mum either. But the most ridiculous thing was that to her, becoming a mum meant automatic weight gain.

When they put that baby in your arms you just don't care.

What is the worst thing a non-parent has ever said to you? Did you offer the comeback you wanted to, or do you wish you could go back for a redo?

CLICK THROUGH these pics for some universal truths about getting through the day as a parent:

Like this? Then try:

5 things parents need to stop saying to non-parents.

Dear strangers. Stop judging my parenting. Really, just stop it.

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