"My kid asked me how babies are made. And I screwed it."

One of our friends is pregnant.

And my children have many, many questions.

They see this friend of ours at least once a week. They love her like a second mum. She wipes their bums (the mark of a true Family Friend), breaks up their fights and knows the politics of sippy-cup colour.

So, they feel very comfortable asking her questions like “How Did That Baby Get In There?” and “How Is It Going To Get Out?”

Questions that she, as a Family Friend who has no desire to be cast out of that position, deflects to me.

I am a cool mum. One who calls a vagina a vagina. But I am not prepared to answer these questions. It freaks me out and I have no idea why.

This is what we’ve been dealing with. A picture from the 1970s classic How A Baby Is Made.

This is how the most recent exchange went:

“Mum, how did the baby get into Auntie Eve’s tummy?”

“Well, Uncle Adam put a seed in Auntie Eve’s tummy. WHO WANTS CHOCOLATE?”

“But how did he put the seed in there?”

“Well.” Um. “You know how boys have penises and girls have vaginas?”


“Well, um. They… WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?”

What’s wrong with me? I am a frank person, I can write about sex and talk about sex with anyone who wants to go there, but I am finding this conversation with my daughter absolutely excrutiating.

Yes, she’s only 5. But she’s asking. And it’s my job to tell her. And I don’t want it to be weird. But it is.


And that’s all about me. As Fiona Katauskas, author of The Amazing True Story Of How Babies Are Made can tell you, kids aren’t weird about it.

A birth scene from Fiona Katauskas’ The Amazing True Story Of How Babies Are Made.

They just want to know. Like they want to know why the sky is blue and why Daddy snores and why there’s always a piece missing from the jigsaw.

So just freaking tell them.

As you will hear in this week’s This Glorious Mess, Andrew Daddo is on my side. “They learn that stuff at school,” he tells me, confidently.

While Fiona just tells us both to basically grow the f- up and tell it like it is.

Listen, here:

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Also on this week’s show: The book that guarantees to put your kid to sleep in 3 minutes. I tried it, and guess what? Yes, that’s right. Should your kids go Paleo? And what happens when you bump into your celebrity hero at the bowling club? Also, why is Andrew giving me this teeny-tiny golf jumper? It’s got something to do with Nailed and Failed…

Andrew’s Fail, my Nailed.

Confused about what the hell a podcast is and where you get one? Here’s how to do it.

Have you had the sex talk yet? Did you nail or fail it?