'I wish I didn’t feel guilty for doing yoga while my kids have screen time.'

When I was pregnant with my first, I made a promise to myself. I would never sacrifice my mental and emotional health for the sake of my kids. I told myself that I would prioritise self-care, eat right, and continue my yoga practice as though nothing has changed. 

I vowed I would make time for all these things no matter what because if I’m not good, everyone around me suffers. 

Okay, I know I was naïve. These idealistic goals sound great in theory but almost impossible in practice as a new mum.

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In the first year after giving birth, self-care looked like showers, hot food, and dentist appointments where I could be alone. My entire routine changed and life seemed like one long day full of nappy changes, ripped nipples and crying, lots and lots of crying. I didn’t know what day of the week it was or how long I had been wearing my pyjamas.

Then, I went back to work and self-care really took a back seat. I had two full-time jobs, my day job, and my 24/7 job as a mum.

Another kid later, all that stress increased exponentially. I had zero time and space to myself; my mental health was beyond burnt. I needed to do something.

Before kids, doing yoga was my outlet to destress and practice mindfulness. It helped ground me and gave me a bit of peace in my chaotic life. I used to practice right after work so I made a plan with my husband. 

We agreed that when I finished work, he would watch the kids for 30 minutes while I practiced yoga.

So we tried it. And failed miserably. At the end of each day, I would tell myself that I was going to change into my gym clothes and start my practice. But then I’d come home and see my kids' smiling faces and I’d hesitate.

Then I would procrastinate by hugging them, asking about their days, smelling their heads, and playing with them. And before I knew it, it was time for dinner, bath and bedtime. I hadn’t seen my kids all day, and I didn’t want to miss a single minute with them. I gave up on that plan after a week.

But then one day on the weekend when my husband was out, my kids were watching some cartoons on YouTube while I put dishes away. After I was done, the house was still quiet. They were both zoned-out in front of the TV. So I took that opportunity to change into my yoga clothes and do my routine in the other room. 

At first, I would stop every few minutes to check on them.

But at the halfway mark, I was holding my downward dog watching sweat drip over my mat when I realised I forgot to check in on them. I could hear the TV going but nothing else. I reassure myself. They’re fine. I finish up and I could feel the endorphins kicking in. It was like all the toxins had flushed out of my system and my body felt invigorated.

It worked!

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But then the guilt kicked in. I felt selfish even though in my head I knew it was the right thing for me.

I let my kids have an additional 30 minutes of screen time because I wanted to do something for myself. Physically I felt great but in my heart, I felt like I did something wrong. I went into the living room and turned the TV off. They whined but then because my energy was high, I quickly distracted them by inventing a fun game to play and they immediately perked up.

It’s been two years since that day. 

I will regularly put YouTube on for my kids while I do yoga. The reason I’ve been able to maintain this self-care practice with this tactic is that I do not need to depend on my husband’s schedule, wait for him to come home or arrange for someone to watch my kids so I could get a session in. 

I have the freedom to be with my mat whenever I want, no planning, no thinking ahead.

I still feel a bit guilty at the beginning of my routine but over the years, it usually subsides quickly after the first Sun Salutation. 

Instead of worrying about not spending quality time with my kids, I focus on how I feel in the moment, the fact that I know I will be in a better mood when I’m done and I will be a more present and attentive mum because I took care of myself. 

And that’s worth every minute of screen time they get.

Katharine Chan, MSc, BSc, PMP is an author, wife and mum of two. She writes stories to empower individuals to talk about their feelings despite growing up in a culture that hid them. You can find more from Katharine on her website or podcast, or you can follow her on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or YouTube.

Feature Image: Getty.