I haven’t the faintest clue what it might feel like to live with a penis. Even so, I found myself flinching and groaning and clenching my stomach muscles in imaginary pain reading men’s stories on Reddit.
The topic? “What’s the most painful experience your dick has had?”
Sure, there are the sex stories of over-excitement and misplacement. There are also masturbation stories of over-activity and painful lubrication – including one guy who microwaved a plastic bottle of lotion and then stuck his penis inside of it (that particular thrill-seeker got badly burned).
But the more unusual stories are the ones that make you squirm. Even without the strange and wonderful appendage, you’ll cringe reading some of these scenarios.
Brace yourself. They are painful and it’s impossible to look away.
Classic misadventure… Or maybe not so ‘classic’
Not me, but I was playing with magnets with my friend and he thought it would be hilarious if he stuck two together on his dick. Somehow, he got one inside the slit, and he was so incapacitated by the pain that he couldn’t pry the other off. He had to go to the hospital. I was being a good friend and laughing my ass off the entire time. – Ultimate_Chimera
I saw a friend tear his dick while drunkenly riding a jagged cow sculpture. Seeing that made my dick hurt more than anything that’s ever happened to me. – Stranger_in_a_van
I was doing the worm in fourth grade during recess to impress ladies. While oscillating the length of my body on the grass, the skin on the head of my penis pinched on itself with the weight of my body. I did my best to play it off. After I got home from school, I looked at my penis and the entire head was purple. – OneFineLad
Having kids and pets
Having a child. Her feet and knees are like ball-seeking missiles. – Starsy
When I was about 11 I had a ball python named Monty (unoriginal I know, I was 11). One night I stupidly decided to take a bath with him.. Got butt naked and hopped in the tub with a few inches of water in it. He seemed to be enjoying it, climbing all over me and then settling down with his back half partly in the water and upper half on my legs. Unbeknownst to me, as I relaxed in the tub, Monty was coiling up and preparing for dinner. Of course you can see where this is going…
All of a sudden I feel a clamp and stinging on my dick. He had mistaken my 11 y/o child dick for a feeder mouse. I immediately flipped out, jumped up, and started screaming. I was in panic mode. Monty thought it was a challenge and tried to snuff the life out of my donger. Outside, my mom hears the panic and comes running in… Not knowing what to do and see this crazy situation, she tries to help any way should could and picks the back end of him up while I manage to pry his jaw open with my fingers. The situation happened very fast, zero to 100 within like 30 seconds. Thankfully no permanent physical damage or scarring… only mental, and knowing that that will forever be in my mum’s memory. There was only a tiny amount of blood, but fortunately I’m uncircumcised so he didn’t bite down on the real sensitive part. Moral of the story: Always feed your snake before you take a bath with it. – Or you could just not take baths with snakes, RestlesslyRelaxed
Complacency whilst zipping up…. Ouch I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. – Pun_Crasher_Disaster
Yeah, I’ve zipped up before. Hurt (and bled) like hell! – Cyanocittaetprocyon
Was playing a doubles tennis match. The guy at the net smashed a lob straight at my tip and sent me into a warm feeling state which made me feel like sh**ting myself on the spot. – Andytwix
Took a baseball to the balls without a jock strap… The baseball was hit by bat and was going pretty fucking fast when it hit me in my balls. Never played pitcher again when me and my friends would play baseball for fun in the summer. – AverageJoe1996
Talking about jock straps…
Careful, some activities may result in shifting of the actual cup, and incidental crushing of a testicle. I’ve seen a six-foot-three, 230-pound, tough-ass man reduced to a waterfall of tears from this very instance. – The_Accidental_Mind
Time on the toilet is high-risk
Smoking on the toilet. Went to put my cigarette out in the water between my legs. Put it out on my dick. – Gonji89
When I was young, three or four years old I was peeing while resting my stuff on the toilet bowl rim. Toilet seat came down, I screamed. Some stitches later and we were at the airport for our family Disney vacation. – BonerFishoo
Household chores are dangerous (convenient, right?)
My wife had hung the laundry out to dry on a nice, sunny autumn day. She didn’t take it in until evening, by which time a hornet had crawled into my boxers to pass the cold night, and had gone torpid in the dark. She folded them and put them on top of the pile in my undies drawer. 5 AM and I’m dressing in the dark, when I feel a slight pinch. I figure I’ve just fallen through the boxer fly and my lips are rubbing on the inside of my jeans zipper. As I start to unzip in order to adjust, I definitely feel something start crawling. The unzipping action went into turbo, but I was still not in time to save my poor willy-tip. No serious damage, but highly painful, and it looked pretty ridiculous for the rest of the day. Also started peeing sideways because of the swelling, and had to sit down until everything went back to normal. After that, there was a new house rule: undies alway go in the dryer, never on the line. – Theartfulcodger
I’m a tall guy who once ironed a shirt while naked and watching a riveting TV show. – MattsWorldoWonders
I spent the morning using a weedwhacker, then went inside to take a piss. Later that night I figured out that some of the weeds I whacked must have been poison ivy and had gotten on my hands. And, yes I washed my hands before handling my pecker, but it obviously did not remove all of the urushiol. It was a rough several days after that. – Random_geezer
Things You Can’t Talk About On TV | How long is the average schlong. Post continues below video.
Pap Smears are sounding more and more attractive
Catheterization. I was in the hospital for a broken femur (which I had had to walk on to get help, and didn’t get any painkillers for many hours) and having a catheter shoved up my dick was more painful and upsetting to me. It wasn’t even really necessary and I threw a fit and it was removed. They didn’t send that nurse back either. – Oldspice75
Getting tested for STDs. Doctor pretty much shoved a Q-tip up my urethra and swirled it around like you would clean your ears. So not only was that extremely painful, peeing was near impossible because of how badly it burned after. – BenJaquenhoft
My kidney made a 3mm stone that passed through my urethra. I pissed blood and urine, and then had to manually push the stone with my hands as I cried into my pillow. I still feel the residual pain several years later every time I pee. – Chambertlo
This is terrifying…
It was the mid seventies and they put stitches in the head of the penis like an X. It was done to try and stop bed-wetting. When you peed, it pulled on the stitches where in theory it would wake you up. I still have dreams about it. – Terkenstein