real life

10 real life situations that desperately need Oscars wrap-up music.

In only a few days, the 89th Academy Awards will air live on television.

The winners will stand in front of their peers and make impassioned speeches thanking their mum/dad/manager/God etc.

But, you see, they’re creatives. 

If they weren’t given a very strict time limit, the event would go on for four months. So the Academy has specified that no speech can exceed precisely 45 seconds. And when their time is up, an orchestra plays, because that is far more polite than have a big horn sound until you SHHHHHH. Or a security guard physically forcing you off the stage.

Halle Berry at the Oscars. Post continues below.

But the practice of the not-so-subtle Oscars wrap-up music got us thinking; what other situations could do with an orchestra to shut people up in real life? Why is this not something we do all the time?

  1. When your friend starts telling you a story you've already heard.

It's not that your friend isn't interesting, it's just that you've already heard this story three times before and no part of you will benefit from hearing it again.

WRAP IT UP, PLS.

That is four minutes of our lives we are never getting back. It's far too rude to stop her and say, "Oh, yes, sorry but I've heard this story before and it's becoming repetitive."

So instead we have to make extremely unauthentic facial expressions feigning interest but also surprise.

I HEARD IT. Image via Giphy.
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Wrap-up music would be the perfect solution.

2. When your doctor asks, "So, how much alcohol do you drink per week...?"

Why even ask that question when you know I'm going to lie?

There's always that awkward few seconds where you try and decide whether you're going to be completely honest, or maybe a little bit halve the actual number, to impress a stranger who is most definitely judging you.

3.  A super boring meeting where your eyes are shutting because... tired.

Just meetings in general. Especially ones that involve numbers. And targets. But also graphs.

I have found myself pinching the back of my leg to stay somewhat conscious during meetings.

Finish now, pls. Image via Giphy.
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An orchestra would be extremely welcome.

4. Mid date, when it's abundantly clear it's not going anywhere.

Once I was on a date with a guy who told me that he'd "never met a funny woman," and then proceeded to tell me how funny his friends were.

But guys. This dude was in NO WAY remotely funny.

Osher has some killer advice for a first date on Love Life. Post continues below. 

I've also had dates talk about how ambitious they are, and their self-proclaimed "incredible" ideas for startup companies that a) already exist and b) are sh*t.

Most recently, I had a date show me through the Instagram profile of his ex girlfriend's new boyfriend, in the hopes that we would both agree he was "ugly".

OSCARS ORCHESTRA, PLS.

5. Friday at 3pm.

Why is this even a time that exists?

The hours between three and five on a Friday are... a joke. A long, drawn out, unfunny joke. Those two hours go for as long as the rest of the week put together.

6. When everyone is singing you happy birthday and looking you in the eye.

Nah, but in all seriousness this is a modern day form of torture.

If someone out there knows what you are meant to do with your face while people are singing at you, then please, let me know.

You have to try and look joyful, without looking like you're enjoying the attention too much. And also grateful. But also humble.

Our face during happy birthday. Image via Giphy.

We sang happy birthday to a girl in the office recently, and she crawled under her desk and I'm 90 per cent sure she cried. Like... wept. At how excruciating it was.

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7. When you're stuck in an elevator or bathroom with someone you don't know all that well.

Kill. Us. Now.

Nothing of substance can ever be said in a 20 second elevator ride. Or while you go into cubicles next to each other and listen to one another pee.

Everyone just wants the situation to be over immediately.

8. Small talk with a hairdresser.

I don't know if I'm the only person who gets hairdresser-shamed, but I do, every single time.

They tell me my hair is too dry or too long or too damaged and I just want to yell "THAT IS WHY I'M HERE. FIX IT."

The small talk that ensues is equally as painful.

SHH. SHUT UP.

Why are we all so afraid of silence? Just... shhhhh.

9. Not being able to hear someone, so asking them to repeat themselves...and still not understanding what they've said

Haaaaa hahahah (I hope you didn't just tell me your dog died) hahaha ahahah ahhhh. You're so funny when I can't hear anything you've said why can't you speak up like a normal person.

10. Saying a lengthy "good bye" and then walking in the same direction.

Well. This is probably the worst thing that can possibly happen in someones life.

What are you meant to... say? You've already said bye. The social interaction has been concluded. 

We would very much like an orchestra to appear out of nowhere and just WRAP IT UP. FIN.

Ah - if only we all had a professional, 20 piece orchestra to save us on a daily basis.

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