real life

"Dear 2016, you've been bloody awful. With love from absolutely nobody."

Oh hey there, 2016! It’s the world’s entire population. So nice of you to join us. Grab yourself a cup of tea and take a seat. This is an intervention.

You see, we’re so mad all we can see is tiny black dots right now. Because… well… what the blooming heck happened to you, 2016? WHAT IN THE BLOOMING HECK HAPPENED TO YOU?!

In case you’ve forgotten about all the bullshit you put us through this year, let’s relive it, shall we?

First, you gave us the Zika virus outbreak – the one that couldn’t be prevented by medication or vaccines. How wonderful! Thanks so very much for that.

And when you were finished spreading untreatable diseases? You decided to wreak havoc on the technology we use every single bloody day.

Enter: wireless freaking earphones.

Why? WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO OUR EARPHONES? When we said “a non-smashable iPhone screen would be just dandy,” why in the world did you hear “please make us pay $229 to lose our earphones within two hours of purchasing them?”

I don’t care how futuristic they are, “airpods” cannot pass GO, and they cannot collect $200.

Then, just as we were clutching onto our beloved wires for dear life, the clowns came to town.

Oh yes, the crazy freaking clowns with their crazy freaking machetes. Brilliant. How amazing.

Oh bloody floop. (Image: Facebook)

I don't miss that month of sleep AT ALL. Staying up all night drenched in my own armpit sweat was really quite the experience.

When the clowns packed up their big knives and headed back to FreakVille, you decided it was time to stomp all over Love, light it on fire and dance in the ashes.

Brad and Angelina. Mariah Carey and James Packer. Hamish and Andy. Sam Frost and Sasha Mielczarek. Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris... then, um... Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston... then Taylor Swift and the entire internet.

You took some of our most cherished people from us. And you took way too many.

David Bowie, Alexis Arquette, Muhammad Ali, Prince, Harper Lee, Alan Rickman, and George Michael, to name a few.

Well you can stop right there, 2016. That's quite enough now. You're in desperate need of a stern talking to and a time out.

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Just when we started to think there might be some bizarro, Tromp-family-style-situation happening on a global basis, or that we'd all mistakenly swapped regular mushrooms for the, erm, ~special ones~ you did this:

Bloody Brexit. (Image: Getty)

AND THEN YOU HAD THE AUDACITY TO FOLLOW IT UP WITH THIS:

donald trump kanye west
Jesus freakin' Christ. (Image: Getty)
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YOU MADE DONALD TRUMP THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, 2016. THAT IS A THING YOU DID.

Now go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.

You should be ashamed. Oh so very ashamed. More ashamed than when you thought this would be a great fashion trend:

asos dinosaur tail
Note: this was never ever going to be a fashion trend. Ever. Stop it right now. (Image: ASOS)

Seriously, we're curious... did you sustain a head injury you're not telling us about, 2016? We're honestly concerned about your wellbeing.

It's with greatness that we announce that 2016, you are NOT in the running towards becoming Australia's Next Top Model. It's time to go. You have been evicted. You are the weakest link. Please leave the jungle.

Oh, and never ever ever come back.

With love from absolutely nobody.

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