real life

Is it normal that... My husband and I haven't had sex since I gave birth

One in four couples stop having sex altogether after having kids. Lisa Mitchell writes that she never thought she’d be one of them. But now she needs some advice

Today I read that one in four couples stop having sex after having their children. Whilst many people would react with shock to this statistic, I am the one in four.

I never fully realised how much having children would change my relationship. Before babies, my husband and I were inseparable. We were one of those couples who were always touching. We’d eat dinner one-handed so we could hold hands across the table, even at home. Whenever we drove anywhere he would keep his hand on my knee. Touching was like breathing to us. When I fell pregnant, we became even closer.

Then my son was born.

It took a long time for me to recover from his birth. Twenty hours of labour segued into an emergency c-section. It took me a long time to recover, both physically and emotionally. My husband gave me plenty of space. He was busy taking care of all my external needs. He made endless trips to the chemist at all hours of the day and night, he made sure I ate, he held our son whenever I needed to take a shower or use the bathroom.

It’s not that we made the decision not to touch, we were both just so busy.

Once I recovered my husband approached me for sex and I felt myself shrink away from him. I was tired, uncomfortable with my body and full of self-doubt. How could I undress in front of him let alone have sex with him. I couldn’t even bring myself to have sex with him just as a gesture, to him. I was drained. I had nothing left to give.

Eventually, my husband stopped asking for sex. Our son just turned two and a half. We don’t talk about it. It’s the proverbial elephant in the room.

I’m not sure where we go to from here. I love him, I do. But I get all the love I need from my son and reconnecting with my husband just seems too hard. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

This statistic makes me feel better. At least I know it’s not just me. In fact, it’s a common problem.

How do you maintain your sex life after having kids?

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