Oprah is not a lesbian, ok? It’s important you know this. Not because
there’s anything wrong with BEING a lesbian. Nothing at all. Oprah
loves lesbians (in a fully clothed kind of way) just like she loves all
minorities. And also probably majorities. Oprah loves everyone, y’hear?
The point is that she’s getting sick and tired of having to explain her
very close friendship with best friend Gayle King. It’s making her
cross. And frankly, what’s the point of having billions of dollars and
unimaginable power if you have to feel cross about something. If I had
billions of dollars I would never want to be cross. I’d want to go
shopping and buy giant houses – I mean, become a philanthropist and
The lesbian rumour has wafted around Oprah and Gayle forever. They’ve been friends for 30 years, they talk four times a day and they frequently travel together. They stay in Oprah’s many houses all over the world but no need for bed sharing because Gayle has her own room in every house. I know this because Oprah once said it on her show and that’s when I decided I’d like very much like to be Oprah’s friend. So where do the lesbian rumours come from?
Well, Oprah has been with her partner Stedman Graham, an American businessman, for 20 years but they are not married. And Gayle is a divorced mother of two boys. So CLEARLY they must be gay. D’uh! I mean, it’s just so obvious. They’re practically Dykes on Bikes.
When I typed “Oprah lesbian” into my Google homepage, I got 1.1 million matches. “Oprah gay” elicited a further 1.34 million. Being a meticulous researcher, I clicked on about three links before I got bored and accidentally wandered off to my favourite gossip site.
There, I discovered a whole host of other celebrities who are allegedly gay and hiding it. Except there’s no ‘allegedly’ in cyberspace, just ‘closeted’. Pretty much every Oscar winner, every major pop star and every blockbuster actor has been smacked with the gay-rumour stick at some stage in their career. The more famous they are, the more they are accused of hiding their gayness.
Celebrities take different approaches to gay rumours. Some wear them like a badge of honour, joking about them in interviews. Some ignore them. Some sue the pants off anyone who repeats them in print. Then there’s Oprah. Helpfully, she has her own magazine in which to clarify who she likes to get naked with.
“I understand why people think we’re gay,” Oprah declares while sitting alongside Gayle in a recent issue. “There isn’t a definition in our culture for this kind of bond between women. So I get why people have to label it – how can you be this close without it being sexual? How else can you explain a level of intimacy where someone always loves you, always respects you, admires you? Wants the best for you in every single situation of your life. Lifts you up. Supports you. Always! That’s an incredibly rare thing between even the closest of friends.”