ABOVE: Lisa and Karl – looking a whole lot better than I did when I woke up this morning…

That is an approximation of what came  out of my mouth this morning when I woke up and saw the clock said 6:44am. I was due at the Today Show at 7am. Oooops. I’d done that thing where you wake up earlier than you have to – 5am instead of 6am – and then try to catch another 10 mins, and then another 10mins until you fall back into a deep sleep just before you have to get up. Terrific. I flew into the shower, slipped into my fail safe black Ginger & Smart dress and assessed the length. Too short. It’s not short REALLY but I knew I’d be sitting on a stool for my Today Show segment and it’s always a bad idea when you’re doing live TV to be worrying if you’re accidentally flashing when you’re meant to be concentrating on sounding intelligent.

Fortunately, the lovely people from Spanx had sent me three delightful fat-sucking undergarments after reading my column a couple of weeks ago, one of which was a pair of footless black opaques. They’re new – will be at DJs next week apparently. Perfect under the dress. Wrestled myself into them and bolted to answer the phone which was ringing, scooping up Remy from his cot on the way. As I struggled to free a boob from my outfit to feed him, I sat on a kitchen stool with the phone jammed between ear and shoulder and listened to the Today Show producer tell me what news stories I’d be talking about on the show with Karl. Concentrate, concentrate. Boob stuck in bra. Hungry impatient baby screaming. Trying to listen to producer Shit shit shit. Attempted to sound composed to producer. “Did I wake you up?” “Oh no, no, no. Just running a little late is all! Everything’s cool!” Everything was so not cool. Finally freed boob which shut baby up and prayed none of the stories would be about cricket or climate change. Not my strongest subjects.

“First story is about Brett Stewart – the Manly footballer, last night formally charged with sexual assault” said the producer. “He’s still playing footy this weekend.” Easy. I can rant about that for an hour. Next? “There’s a story in the Courier Mail today about a councillor who had to leave the chamber to breastfeed and has been attacked for being unprofessional.” Quelle coincidence.” I’m working while breastfeeding right now!” I replied. Ok good.

Hung up the phone. Handed Remy to Jason and flew out the door putting my shoes on in the car at a traffic light.

Bolted into make-up at channel 9 and sat there catching my breath while two lovely women worked on my face and hair, trying to transform me into someone who looked awake and respectable. A girl walked in. I assumed she was a make-up artist. But she sat next to me and someone came to do her make-up. Finally worked out that she was a TV presenter on a very popular show, a woman I think is one of the most beautiful on TV. Lovely to be reminded that no-one wakes up looking remotely like they do on TV.

Clock ticking. Trying to think about what I was going to say. Shit, bra straps showing. “Anyone got any double-sided tape?” I pleaded. Wardrobe person quickly appeared. As soon as she’d finished sticking my dress to my bra straps, someone else came to get me to take me onto the set to have my microphone put on. Oh dear. Forgot that a dress is a bad idea for TV because they need to attach a microphone pack (about the size of a ciggie packet) to the back of your pants or belt. Wearing neither of those things mean they have to attach it to your knickers. Fortunately, the sound person was female but to be honest, I couldn’t care. As I waved to Karl, Lisa and Georgie across the studio, I lifted the back of my dress up to my waist so the soundie could attach the microphone pack to the back of my fat-sucking tights and threaded the mic up my dress and out near my bra. Hello dignity! Scrambled onto my chair and chatted with lovely Karl while we were in a commercial break. Live to air and it all went quickly. Forgot to smile. Spoke too fast and forgot all my key points.  I’m out of practice and didn’t have my morning tea. Fat-sucking tights worked well, however.

Segment over quickly. Spent entire drive home re-doing segment in my head. Made far more sense in my head. Was quite brilliant, in fact. Sigh…..got home and finished Remy breast-feed.

All before 8:30am. Need emergency tea. Now back in jeans and t-shirt. Face scrubbed. Hair still pleasingly ‘done’. Will post link to clip as soon as it’s up and we can discuss the news stories Karl and I spoke about. Or suggestions for what I should wear for my next slot in two weeks. As you wish.