fashion

Gird your loins: There's a new naked bikini available that precisely no one asked for.

If you’ve long held the burning desire to look entirely naked from behind only to reveal a small patch of flesh-coloured material covering your nips and vag – weird flex – but you’re in luck.

There’s a new naked bikini available and, like the David Blaine of beachwear, it’ll create the illusion of being entirely starkers without actually revealing your vulva.

Ta-daaa. Image: Oh Polly.

Because 2019 is brought to you by an obsession with looking naked without actually being naked at the beach (public nudity but make it farshun), UK fashion retailer Oh Polly has released the “Skinny Dipping” two-piece and it's... a lil bit revealing.

Mamamia Reviews: The Viral Bikini Bottom. Post continues after video.

The product description on the site reads: "Caution, this bikini ain’t for the faint-hearted..." (Thank you, but yes, we can see that.)

“Make tan lines a thing of the past in our clear strap micro bikini top, it covers the essentials..." (does it though?)

"The triangles are adjustable to achieve your desired level of reveal," it concludes, which we have interpreted as 'just a snippet of side-vulva or full-frontal, depending on your mood.'

Oh. Hi. Image: Oh Polly.
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The flesh-coloured bikini for ants will set you back $74, and considering being naked is free we think this is a straight-up rude price to charge for some sticky tape and a cut-up kitchen cloth.

BUT, it is cheaper than an "offence of obscene exposure" fine in NSW, which at maximum, could set you back $1,100. (Yeah, we looked it up).

We've decided the "bottoms", if you could call them that, look like those tiny paper g-strings you wear when you get a fake tan or bikini wax.

In fact, we think it actually might be one, and this is the genius work of a bikini designer simply cutting out the middle man. For the busy beach goer.

You can waltz right into the beauty salon without having to remove your underwear, and waltz right out again to the beach.

Boom.

(Just don't... sneeze. Or move. Or maybe even breathe.)

For reasons largely unknown, it seems to be a hit, with the brand's Instagram comments suggesting it's "always sold out," which we actually think is a pretty poor effort given it would take approximately 30 seconds and a scrap of fabric to make a new one. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

 

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We are left with one, resounding question about the Skinny Dipping bikini: Why not just... be fully naked at a nudist beach?

It'll cost you nothing.

(But seriously, we can't wait to see what'll be next in this terrifying trend. A bandaid and a pair of nipple tassles?)

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