This week, Offspring does something a little special right off the bat.
Season seven, episode two, kicks off with Nina remembering that today is the Father’s Day picnic at Zoe’s school.
This fact pulls a little at the heartstrings because obviously Patrick passed away before he could even meet Zoe, let alone be there for any of her special days at school.
(You could be forgiven for not quite connecting these dots, though. Since Patrick’s ghost has taken to hanging around the show in seasons past, it’s not outside the real of possibility that he could materialise in the school yard.)
In this moment, Nina flies the flag for resilient single mums everywhere. You don’t see her complain or breakdown because she has to step into the empty space where a father figure should be standing. She just does it. She rocks up to Zoe’s school, stands next to the fathers and hops her heart out in a potato sack race.
If there’s one thing I learned from watching my mum raise four kids alone, it’s that this is what single mums do best. They just step up to the plate and get it done.
Nina is at her best here, even though she ends up on the ground and takes a basketball to the face…
In another part of town, the Offspring writers are trying to give Kerry and Will (remember them? It's OK if you don't) some quirk and chemistry by introducing special games and in-jokes to parade in front of us in an effort to make them half as appealing as the other characters.
It does not quite work.
So, in a desperate attempt to keep Kerry around (and by "Kerry", I mean "me" ) Will has a surprise puppy delivered straight to his door at 7.30 in the morning (is it just me or has Uber Eats really stepped up their game?) and Kerry is not quite OK with it.
After all, what says "I'm being supportive and easy going about our blossoming new relationship" quite like dumping your new girlfriend with a small furry animal in need of toilet training?
Needless to say, everybody looks super uncomfortable with this situation. Especially the dog.
There's a bit of a B-sub plot happening in this episode with Nina and Harry, with their main obstacle being that Nina is too busy with work and life to meet Harry's sister but in all honesty the real drama is happening with the rest of the Offspring clan. So we'll focus on them from here on in. These kids are fine.
After last week's disastrous family dinner party, Zara is camping out at Billie's as the emotional chasm between her and Jimmy grows bigger and bigger.
At the same time, Billie has secretly scurried off to London to confront her relationship woes with Mick.
Which is devastating for her, mostly because she misses out on the spectacle that is Jimmy showing up at the front door and declaring that he is going to camp out on the veranda until Zara agrees to come home with him.
It's a "gesture of passion" he says, and he's not wrong. This is very impressive to me, mostly because there's not a person, animal or sandwich alive I'd camp outside for. Kudos to you for not being emotionally dead inside.
Zara, however, does not share this romantic view and tells him he "won't last an hour" before closing the door in his face.
If you cast your mind back to last week, you may remember that Geraldine interrupted the Proudman family dinner to announce that she and Marjorie had spent some time under the sheets together, both in the company of a gentleman caller AND as a swinging twosome.
At the time, Majorie seemed mortified that their private tryst had been made public, but we're about to discover that there's a lot more happening here that just a touch of post sex shame.
Listen to The Binge host Laura Brodnik explain everything you need to know about Offspring season seven.
It turns out that our dear Majorie is “perfectly comfortable with girl on girl love and threesomes”. In fact, she'll have you know that there was a time when she was having way more threesomes than twosomes, thank you very much.
These revelations, somewhat shocking when you take into account that older female characters are not always given a lot of meat and glory on Australian prime time TV, flow eloquently with her mouth.
Making Majorie the perfect blend of shockingly exciting and warmly familiar. She is nothing like so many women in your life and at the same time she is completely relatable.
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It strikes me now that Marjorie has become what the writers wanted Geraldine to be, before the later seasons came around, the ones where she has somehow become more of a caricature than a character.
Majorie, proving once and for all that even though she may not be the hero we asked for she is still the hero we need, then proceeds to school Geraldine on the art of threesome etiquette and holy moly this may be the best Offspring scene ever.
She kicks off her monologue with the fact that threesomes are a “gesture of friendship and trust and equal needs" and that Geraldine committed the cardinal sin of threesomes because, as Marjorie puts it, "you made yourself the centre of attention, you hogged the mic.
“I serviced you like a pit-stop. You happily received, Geraldine, you just accepted. Not once did you put me up in centre stage.
“Next time you host a no pants pillow party, make sure your guests are all topped up.”
*****Stands up and proceeds to slow clap for Majorie for all of eternity*****
If everything had ended here, this may have been a near perfect Offspring episode. Instead, the writers dropped a story-line they had been threatening fans with since the show first began.
Billie returns from London and her face says it all.
“It’s over, Mick and I have broken up. It was inevitable."
(Uh, yes, inevitable because of Eddie Perfect's packed schedule! I will never be OK with this...)
Billie begins to cry, that kind of cry when your whole face crumples like a failed souffle. And when Billie cries, the whole world cries with her.
"I’m never going to have anyone in my life like Mick again," she says to Nina. "I don’t want anyone like him again. I want to preserve him. I’m not going to fight the loss. It’s a big gaping hole.”
Now, Billie and Mick have been through a lot. Break-ups, engagements, infertility, careers, separate countries and other love interests. They've broken up before, but something about this time seems brutally final and finished.
To make things even worse, Jimmy and Zara then kick this whole mess a step up and THEY break up. Jimmy practically hisses at Zara that she's forgotten she even has children and demands she comes to the house and packs up her stuff since she's choosing not to live there.
He's certainly changed his tune since the night before...sleeping on Billie's porch must have been rougher than we thought.
Oh Proudman family, I'm so sorry that our need for a series revival has thrown all of your long-term relationships into turmoil.
Until next week.
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