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Offspring recap: Some seriously romantic moments we never saw coming.

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The drama this week kicks off with a very unexpected bit of publicity for the hospital, a little bit of drama around a leaked video that features Kim, and a kicked baby sent flying through the air.

It’s not a real baby, of course, it’s a doll that just happens to get some great height when propelled across the room, but that doesn’t seem to matter to the people who have seen the video. They are enraged and looking for blood. Which is handy, I guess, since it is a hospital.

To deal with the “crisis” at hand, in walks Harry Crewe, the new Crisis and Culture Manager for St Francis Hospital, who immediately insists that the best way to deal with the blacklash is to get Nina the PR For Dummies lecture and book her in to appear on The Project.

Poor Nina looks understandably horrified at this idea but crisis guy is not backing down. He is wearing a suit, God dammit, and he will not back down.

Image via Channel 10.

And because poor Nina is not good at extracting herself from awkward situations in any way, shape or form, she finds herself sitting backstage at Channel 10 and explaining to Billie that’s she’s going to be on TV and begs her not too watch. Billie agrees. Then quickly tells everyone she has ever met.

Love that woman.

Nina is settled at The Project desk with Pete, Waleed and Carrie and it is all so meta and fourth wall breaking I think I’m going to die. Nina’s trying to keep her words and outbursts in check but is completely thrown when additional leaked videos from inside the hospital walls are suddenly beamed across The Project screens.

This footage is a few notches above the delightful kicked baby masterpiece of film, and shows the hospital crew, including Zara, Cherie and Elvis, barrelling down the hospital halls attempting to lay their lips on one another.

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Image via Channel 10.

“That looks like sexual harassment,” observes a shrewd Carrie (gosh, this woman is so believable, almost like she is a real TV journalist with years of experience).

“Oh no,” replied a horrified Nina. “It’s just a game of kiss-chasey, look, that’s Elvis out in front. He never gets caught.”

Of all the delightful things these people have done in those hospital walls, kiss-chasey is by far the best. Why wouldn’t you want your insides removed at this particular hospital?

As much as Billie is delighted to see her sis on The Project, the other big milestone in her life is her fast approaching 40th birthday. In classic Billie style, she both wants to make a big deal of it and act like there’s no reason to make a fuss, all at the same time.

“It’s not how old you are, it’s how old you feel,” she sagely tells Brody. "I’ve been preparing for this since I was 30. I’m still beautiful.” Billie, like a fine mid-range wine, is incredible at any age.

Image via Channel 10.
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She’s also pretty good at convincing Mick, while they are snuggled up and loving smooching in bed, that she doesn’t want a party, despite the fact that she’s already got a speck prepared and is agonising over what to wear.

The trouble with this? Mick actually believes her and doesn’t plan a party. Oh Mick, where did it all go so wrong?

But before an ad break can pop up and blow away the Offspring magic, Mick redeems himself ten times over.

Brody, poor, sweet, lost Brody, tells him that she is pregnant and he says all the right things.  He tells her that her baby-daddy Jason is a total dipshit and that dipshit’s sometimes evolve, but right now he is not going to be there for her and that sucks but it’s not her fault.

Brody sobs, saying that she doesn’t know if she can handle it and Mick tells her that it will be ok. She can tell Billie. She can tell Nina. He reminds her in the best way that she is not alone. He really is (Eddie) perfect.

Image via Channel 10.

Mick and Billie arrive at the restaurant for her birthday dinner and Billie thinks it’s a solo affair until her mother rushes in and yells surprise!

The whole Offspring gang are tucked away in a room together and it’s a lovely reminder that this is when the magic happens.

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Will, traitor brother who tried to make off with Jimmy’s restaurant, is there. He presents Billie with a Prada handbag and she throws herself into his arms like any sane woman would.

Jimmy declares that he can’t just buy Billie’s love and Billie jumps in and says he absolutely can. And with a bag like that, I am firmly in her corner.

Billie jumps onto stage to give a speech and that’s when she loses it, and her joy is replaced with an intense avalanche of grief. It’s the first big celebration since the family lost Darcy and as she sits crying with Nina in an alleyway she says “why do I have to choose now to feel it? What the fuck is wrong with me? ”

Image via Channel 10.

Back inside the party, a little hint of romance is still kicking on. Cherie and Clegg overcome their recent sex draught and Offspring’s champion couple is back in the game when she turns to him and says “will you marry me”

After the party, Billie and Mick lie on their bed together and Mick says to her “I don’t think I should leave.”

Who thought that an episode about a kicked baby would end with the two most romantic moments so far?

But, just when you thought we would all go to bed with visions of Cherie and Clegg kissing and dancing in our heads, Nina is hit with a bombshell.

Crisis guy calls her and fully lives up to his name when he tells her a couple has come forward saying they were sent home with the wrong baby a year and a half ago.

Until next week, Offspring. Thanks for leaving us hanging.

Missed out? Here's what happened on Offspring last week.

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