It happened last weekend.
I was sitting in a cafe with my sister when something caught my attention.
A pram. I knew what would be inside, but somehow I still wasn’t prepared. The pram came to a halt just inches from our table, and that’s when I saw it.
A foot. A tiny, silly, flat, pointless little foot.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT FOOT YOU DON’T NEED IT, IT’S NOT LIKE YOU CAN GO ANYWHERE.
Maybe it was the fact I was slightly hungover, or maybe it was the generally tumultuous state of my life, but my reaction was… inappropriate.
Upon seeing a baby who can’t have been more than six months old, I cried. Actual tears came out of my eyes. Because of the cuteness.
"Ummm... why?" you ask.
Well, here is a definitive list of all the things that go through my head when I see a baby. Frankly, it's overwhelming.
- OH goodness, hello there. What are you doing? You look very silly in those clothes. YOUR PANTS ARE THE SAME LENGTH AS SHORTS BUT ON YOU THEY ARE PANTS.
- May I sniff you on that part of your head where the smell comes from?
- Your hands are very fat. That's why you can't lift things. If you needed to lift things. Which you don't.
- How are you so fat when you only eat mush?
- Doesn't the mush taste stupid?
- WHAT DO YOU DREAM ABOUT.
- You're smiling. Why?
- Your neck isn't real.
- How are you meant to learn to walk when your legs become feet and there are no ankles?
- And also when your feet are square?
- ....perfectly square.
- (That's ok)
- Straight up, your face is silly.
- WHY CAN'T YOU SPEAK.
- You have just enough teeth to be able to eat things but not enough to make you not look ridiculous.