The woman who discovered she didn’t want to be with her fiance, the day they were married.
By: Alex Alexander for YourTango.com
“What’s he thinking about right now? Is it me? Is he wondering what I’m going to look like in my wedding dress?”
All of these thoughts ran through my head on my wedding day, much like they do in most brides’ minds. The difference, however, was that my thoughts weren’t about my future husband. They were about someone else entirely.
His name was Jason. No, not my future husband. Jason was the man who consumed my thoughts on my wedding day as I walked down the aisle and married someone else. He consumed my thoughts before the wedding and after the wedding, too. I met him in university and immediately developed a crush on him, which was easy to do since he was cute and funny and so much fun to be around. I knew he would be the perfect boyfriend. There was just one problem: I was already engaged.
Nathan, my fiance, was was nice enough, and he was perfect on paper, but I just wasn't really into him. I was twenty years old when I accepted his proposal and even then, I knew deep in my gut that it wouldn't last. But what else was a girl supposed to do? I knew that graduating from university meant getting married, which is why when the proposal came, I said yes—and then regretted it immediately. My regret was made even more clear when I met Jason.
Jason and I had a fling for several months leading up to my wedding. I could tell it didn't mean much to him, but it meant the world to me. He was my escape, my hope for something else. I'm not proud of myself for cheating on my fiancé, but it's a fact I have owned up to. I think I was secretly hoping Nathan would find out and then we could call off the wedding.
So why didn't I just call it off? Because it didn't feel that easy. At twenty one, I didn't know myself the way I do now that I'm in my 30s. And my friends and family loved Nathan so much. "He's perfect for you and he loves you so much," they would say. I knew that was partially true—he did love me so much, which made me feel worse—but I also knew there was no spark between us. But I figured that was just how marriage was. People complained all the time about how bad marriage could be, so I just figured that was the deal. After all, if everyone who loved me thought he was perfect, then obviously he was.