couples

How new dads can increase their chances of getting laid.

Bringing a new baby home is rough. Especially when it’s your first and you have no idea what’s ahead. (You may think you do, but you don’t).

If you’re the mumma, you’ll be spending a lot of time baby to boob, then trying to catch up on life when baby is off it; showering, cleaning, maintaining relationships via text and trying to look like you’ve got it together.

But what about new dads? What’s their role given their lack of lactation devices?

Following many late night arguments (“What do you want me to do?” “Stop asking me that and use your brain!”), my husband and I think we’ve figured it out. Here is our new dad to do list, to help men feel helpful, not helpless, and which may in turn, help them get laid again (eventually)…

He looks cool, calm and collected but inside he's TERRIFIED. Image: iStock.

A new dad's to do list:

1. When you come home in the evenings, walk in the front door with arms open, ready to field your child like a football, regardless of the day you’ve had. Mum will need a break. If however in the unlikely event everything is calm – baby isn’t cracking the shits, do not rile the baby up. It is very likely mum will have taken 4 years to achieve that place of Zen – don’t ruin it

2. Bring home needed groceries. Do an audit each day before work, shop in your lunch break, and return with stuff. You have no idea how much this will be appreciated.

3. When you’re at home, change the nappy. This will gift mum an extra 5 minutes to herself each time, for which she’ll likely use as a toilet break.

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4. Speaking of nappies, ensure the change table is fully stocked; nappies, baby wipes, changes of clothes, and spew rags. Always. Don’t leave mum without stock in the day. She will resent you for the whole of it.

This could be your reality. Now listen carefully. Image: iStock.

5. When baby cracks the shits at nighttime, move in swiftly. Take the baby and do your best to calm it down. This means speaking softly, taking it to another room and sorting it. Mum will have had to do this at least twice during the day. Even the score.

6. Do whatever you can to not snore. Seriously. Newborns feed ever two to three hours, with the hour starting from the time they wake up wanting a feed, not from when they’ve drifted off to sleep. They often need changing first; dawdle when on the boob and will then take their jolly time settling back down to sleep. This typically gives mum 11 minutes of sleep following each session. Make those 11 minutes count by not snoring.

7. Bathe your baby before you go to work, thus ensuring one fewer job for Mum during the day.

All of these steps, if completed correctly, will probably end up earning you some fun between the sheets. You're welcome.

Anything we missed?

Rebecca Granfield claims to have been pregnant for the last 14 months. She and her husband write a blog about family life called www.thegranfields.com In her spare time she carefully plans worst-case scenarios and outcomes; takes photos of unplugged irons so she can leave the house, and tries to learn everything she should have by now given she’s an adult.

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