sex

Can a marriage be happy without sex? This woman says yes.

My husband and I have been married 16 years. Sweet 16 – and rarely been kissed. Well, that’s not quite true. We still kiss. On the cheek, on the shoulder, on the lips. But we usually don’t use tongue.

And we don’t have sex. Well, hardly ever. Maybe once a month. Maybe. If it’s spring and we’re frisky, once every three weeks. Not including birthdays, anniversaries, New Year’s Eve (if we’re not too pooped after the fireworks).

But guess what?

We are happy. We love each other. We are in love with each other.

We just don’t need to be humping like rabbits or rock stars to show it. (By the way, rabbits might mate for life but they only live for 10 years, and rock star relationships last even less than that).

Image: iStock.

You think we’re alone?

Think again. Most of my friends admit they are the same. Go to a school event, or a Tupperware party or eavesdrop on two women in a café. Chances are they're not talking about sex. They may be talking about not having sex. And they are talking about other, more important, things.

Sex is just not that important and I, for one, at the tender age of 53, am getting sick of having it shoved down my throat. Well, you know what I mean.

Well, Jim still does it for me - a bit

Billboards, the internet, TV, films, what’s left of newspapers and magazines are all about sexy ladies and, now, sexy blokes. Yes, I laugh at them, I can enjoy a perve and I will probably go and see Magic Mike XXL and admire their muscles. I might giggle at their grinding and possibly even feel a stirring in my clitoris. But I might just find it a stupid cliche and a turn off. There's a chance I will go home and have sex with my husband - but I’ll probably lose the feeling and go home and have a cup of tea and a cuddle.

I’m just not that into it. I’m really into him. But I just don’t think about sex any more. It kind of bores me that everyone else is so obsessed with it. When I have it, I really enjoy it, I usually orgasm (or pretend to). It’s fun, it’s nice. But I just can’t be bothered.

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Magic Mike XXL? Not that sexy.

Sexologists might say I’m abnormal. Asexual. Young women and men will look at me and say I’m frigid. Cold. Past it. Too ugly and old to fuck. I don’t care.

I actually feel sorry for them, all jumpy and horny and ruled by their desire. Blinded by beauty. Yes, I once felt like that. No, it wasn’t sustainable. If I’d chased that all my life I’d be now single, desperate, my three kids would have different fathers and hate me and I’d be burning the midnight oil with a vibrator.

I reckon society has gone too sexy. Long gone are the days when women were forced to hide their sexuality and their desire, and that's good. But instead, we've gone to the other extreme. Now they have to pretend to be hot and heavy and panting and needing a good fuck. They have to pretend to be porn stars and have semen squirted on their face. Maybe some of them do. Good luck to them - I hear it’s good for the skin - but girls don’t fake it if you don’t feel it.

I feel my frigidness is feminist. I’m not repressed. I’m not ashamed of my body, I’m not repressing my raunch. I just don’t feel it.  I shouldn’t have to pretend to.

Is it because of pop culture that women feel they have to behave this way? Image: Youtube.

What about my husband? Yes he’d probably like sex once a week. But he understands. He loves me anyway. Don’t feel sorry for him. Men are not just walking penises controlled by tides of testosterone. They too are socialised to be sex mad.

They aren’t always. And that’s just fine.

We shouldn’t be scared to be out. Gay people are out. Trans are out. We not-so-sexual beings are still hiding in the shadows. 

So I'm coming clean (in an anonymous way) about the dirty secret that is actually super clean! It’s okay not to have sex all the time. You can be happy and not have sex all the time. You can be attractive and not have sex all the time. You can be in love and not have sex all the time.

If you don't agree with me, fine. Go have sex with someone.

Just stop making me feel ashamed to not want to do the same.

Like this? Why not try ...

Thank god for weekends (it’s the only time we get to have proper sex).

‘My husband never wanted sex. And it was me who felt ashamed.’

13 ways to have great sex after 40 years of marriage.

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