Don't judge me but... I don't want my 'stepson' at our wedding.

I don’t believe a wedding is about two families coming together, so why should my fiance’s son be there?

All my married friends were right. Wedding planning is painful.

And it just got even more complicated. You see, while this is my first marriage, this is the second time for my soon-to-be husband. He married his high school sweetheart and things just didn’t work out. And during their short marriage they had a little boy.

I now feel there is a huge expectation for that little boy to be part of our wedding. But I really don’t want him there.

It isn’t because I don’t love him. I absolutely adore him.

When I met him, he pulled me aside and, in as much of a grown up voice as he could muster for a 5-year-old, he asked if it was okay to not call me mum. He found the two mums thing too confusing. So we agreed that he would just call me by my first name. He still sometime calls me mum by accident – pretty normal for a 7-year-old travelling between homes every week.

But now people keep asking me what his role is in our wedding. And I just want to say he has none.

I know everyone thinks the wedding is about two families coming together (and it is a firm belief in those family members who feel they get to play wedding-planner helper). But I don’t agree. I think a wedding is about the two people up the front making the vows. It is about them announcing their love. The two families coming together happens before the “I dos” and after the “I dos”. Not during.

And I know my future stepson will hate coming to the wedding. He is 7-years-old. And saying he is slightly hyperactive would be a serious understatement. There is no way that he would be able to stand still during the 20-minute ceremony. Or sit still. And he would hate wearing anything remotely formal.


He would probably find the nearest muddy puddle to jump in on the way to the wedding. That's just him. And I don't want to make him to do something I know he would hate just to attend something he wouldn't completely comprehend.

And finally, it would open a can of worms. A very large can of worms where the worms are actual children. I would like to go with a no-kids wedding. I want it to be a grown-up event. And if my future stepson comes along, then I know my older brother will ask why his daughter - my niece - can't be the flower girl. Then my cousin will call me and ask me if it isn't too much trouble for her 3 children to come too (because the wedding is about family). My friend will bring her 1-year-old with a big set of lungs. And so on and so on.

When I told my friend my dilemma, she told me to suck it up. She said if I told my fiance all of the above, the wedding would never go ahead.

I am about to talk about this with my husband-t0-be. Am I making a big mistake?

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any advice on how I can handle this? 

Featured image from The Knotty Bride.

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