fashion

We have SO MANY THOUGHTS about Nicole Kidman's dress.

The event? The 69th Directors Guild of America Awards.

The location? The Beverly Hilton Hotel.

The person? Nicole freakin’ Kidman.

The dress? A BLOOMIN’ BEADED BONANZA.

'Cos Nicole's body is too beadalicious for you babe. (Image: Getty)

The beautiful midi frock Kidman wore on Saturday night was adorned with thousands of teeny tiny metallic beads, making a klutz (me) hyperventilate at the very thought of it colliding with a rogue fingernail.

So many beads. So little time for jagged fingernails.

Nicole looks like this. And yet, when I wear a midi dress, I look like a sad nun.
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You guys, I just have so many thoughts. Namely, they are:

  1. Is Nicole Kidman a unicorn?
  2. Her hair is the colour of a warm cinnamon bun.
  3. I bet she even smells like a warm cinnamon bun.
  4. Mmmmmm. Cinnamon bun.
  5. I wonder how she even put this thing on...
  6. Surely she didn't scrunch it up to slide in past her bum.
  7. That's not very Nicole-Kidman-esque.
  8. Did she step in? She probably stepped in.
  9. A unicorn lady with a million dressing assistants would totally step in.
  10. I wonder if those beads would chafe the inside of her arms?
  11. Good god chafing is THE WORST.
  12. Unicorn people probably don't chafe though, right?
  13. Right.
  14. And if they do there's always Vaso. And baby powder.
  15. Thank peanut butter and all that is holy that we have Vaso and baby powder.
  16. But with all of those beads how does she... um... move?
  17. Does she keep her arms to her sides at all times like a robot?
  18. OMG it's The Stepford Wives bloody 2.0.
  19. Does a tiny PA run around her in circles to protect the precious jewels on her dress?
  20. And how does Nicole sit down?
  21. The poor thing must've spent the whole time at dinner hovering over her chicken roulade like an awkwa...
  22. Oh. Okay cool. She just does it looking like that, then.
  23. Question: How much does this thing weigh?
  24. BECAUSE THERE ARE JUST SO MANY BEADS.
  25. Seriously so many freaking beads.
  26. It's a beading frenzy.
  27. Answer: it'd probably weigh a lot.
  28. I'm sweating just thinking about it.
  29. I bet Nicole Kidman works out.
  30. But, like, when she does, she probably doesn't even sweat.
  31. And if she did it'd definitely smell really nice.
  32. Like cinnamon buns, or something.

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