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A quick recap of what's going on with Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's swollen balls.

Why yes, that is one of the weirdest headlines of my career.

Gather around mates, because we are here to discuss Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls. They're in a bad way, apparently, and Minaj told everyone about it on Twitter.

These truly are unprecedented times.

It began in the same way all wild pop culture stories do, with the Met Gala. Before the Gala, Minaj tweeted she wasn't going to the event, citing her 11-month-old son as the reason she did not want to travel. 

Okey dokey. 

But then she mentioned all attendees must be fully vaccinated, which she is not. 

While that on its own was eyebrow raising for some, it had nothing on what happened next... an unprompted message about her cousin's friend's swollen genitals, which he had falsely equated to a COVID-19 vaccination side effect.

"My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it and became impotent," she wrote.

"His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding.

"So just pray on it and make sure you're comfortable with your decision, not bullied."

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Because apparently it does not go without saying, swollen balls are not a side effect of any COVID vaccine. It sounds a lot like a cover up for something... else... which can make your genitals swell and is more likely to see you get dumped weeks before your wedding. But hey, what could I possibly know about Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls? 

Minaj went on to say she would probably get the vaccine eventually because she would need it to tour, and also retweeted positive vaccine experiences from fans, but there was no way that was going to make everyone gloss over the... swollen testicles.

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It's been a couple of days since, and in that time Minaj has feuded with Boris Johnson AND Piers Morgan, health departments have rapped about vaccines, and of course, the memes have been as good as you'd hope.

Wait. What? She's feuding with Boris Johnson?

AND PIERS MORGAN.

Earlier in the week, Nicki's tweet came up in a UK press conference (shout out to the journalist who asked about this - you're out there doing God's work) and was criticised by UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

"I'm not as familiar with the works of Nicki Minaj as I probably should be," Johnson said. 10 Downing Street's letterbox is about to be stacked with copies of Pink Friday.

"But I am familiar with the work of [Dr] Nikki Kanani, who is a superstar GP of Bexley who will tell you that vaccines are wonderful and everybody should get them, so I would prefer to listen to her," he continued.

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In response, Minaj uploaded a 43-second video memo of her pretending to be British, saying she went to Oxford with... Margaret Thatcher.

It's the most chaotic thing I've heard all year.

I can only assume that after this, Piers Morgan received some kind of bat signal telling him there was drama happening on the internet, so he sprung into action.

Morgan tweeted Minaj was "ghastly", "one of the rudest little madams" he's ever met and "pedalling lies that will cost lives".

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Minaj then was like... 'why is this man who I have never met attacking me', except it turned out they HAD met, when Minaj was a guest performer on America's Got Talent.

Morgan said Minaj had been "too busy" to say hello to his kids, to which Minaj responded he needed to "stop fkng lying".

Minaj then really leaned into the controversy, tweeting a video of Fox News' Tucker Carlson talking about her, defending her decision to do so, and also joking about references on US late night talk shows.

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In fact, she's calling the whole thing ball-gate. 

Trinidad officials spent all day trying to track down the man with swollen balls.

Trinidadian officials responded to the claims during a televised COVID-19 update on Wednesday, saying they had "wasted so much time" trying to confirm or debunk Minaj's claim by spending most of Tuesday trying to find out if there had been a case of swollen testicles in the island.

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Turns out... if Minaj's cousin's friend's balls are swollen, he's keeping them hidden.

"As we stand now, there is absolutely no reported such side effect or adverse event of testicular swelling in Trinidad," Trinidad and Tobago Health Minister Dr. Terrence Deyalsingh said Wednesday morning. 

"Unfortunately, we wasted so much time yesterday running down this false claim."

That's not... a great use of their time.

There's obviously been a response from other health officials too.

On Tuesday afternoon, the Western Sydney Local Health District debunked Minaj's.... cousin's... friend's claim.

In the United States, Dr Anthony Fauci told CNN "she should be thinking twice about propagating information that really has no basis."

Minaj was also offered a call with a White House doctor to "answer questions she has about the safety and effectiveness of the vaccine."

She claimed her Twitter account had been suspended and went live on Instagram to discuss, however a Twitter spokesperson said it took no action against her account.

Okay. Let's see the memes.

There is much to be said about vaccine hesitancy and anxiety. It's a problem around the world, and officials really don't need the headache caused by Minaj's cousin's friend's balls.

But boy oh boy, were the memes swift and GREAT.

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The world is a strange place, huh. If you want to catch up with your own cousin's friends, get vaccinated.

Feature image: Twitter/Getty.

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