Google. I’ve never needed you as much as I’ve needed you over the last three months.
Everyone keeps telling me that I will just instinctively know how to care for my baby. Clearly, those people don’t remember what it’s like being a first time mum. But you do, Google.
You are the first ‘person’ I turn to when I think, “WTF?”.
You are there at noon or three in the morning.
You answer my questions without judgement.
Sometimes, you give me conflicting advice… but that’s okay because I don’t really trust you and usually end up asking one of my mum friend’s to confirm whether you’re right.
This has been my relationship with Google. A love/hate relationship. A relationship based on needing an immediate answer, but one I will never completely trust.
These are a few select things that I have actually Googled. You may only read them without judgement (remember, being a mum the first time is bloody scary).
1. "Is green poo normal?"
I spent an hour comparing pictures of baby poo on the internet with my daughter's when her poo suddenly changed colour. For those who are curious, green poo is very normal for a formula-fed baby. Mini freak out averted. (Not really, I spent that hour panicking.)
2. "How often should a baby poo?"
It sounds like I'm obsessed with my daughter's bowel movements. I kind of am. Anyone who has had a baby would understand that this is normal (please, tell me it's normal). It is the only way I know if everything is working normally.
3. "Newborn cries."
Babies don't talk. They cry. According to a video I watched, there are difference cries for different needs. I watched the video four times. All the cries sounded the same to me. Damn it Google, I thought you said you'd be helpful.
Here are the Top 20 questions mums ask Google. Post continues after the gallery.
4. "Will my baby's eye colour change?"
My daughter has the bluest eyes I've ever seen. I have brown eyes. My husband has brown eyes. Brown eyes are supposed to trump blue eyes. According to one mum online, one day her blue eyed baby went to sleep and then work up in the morning with brown eyes. Google says my daughter has until six months to pull this trick on me.
5. "Postpartum bleeding."
If you haven't had a baby yet, sorry to be the one to tell you but you have your period for all eternity afterwards. So much so, you turn to Google to plead when it will end. If you read articles which say that you bleed less after a C-Section... they're liars.
6. "How to burp/how to stop spit ups/how to stop projectile vomiting?"
Let me save you some time before you Google this and spend hours reading everything. There are few magical tricks that actually work to get a burp up. If the baby needs to burp, they will burp. As for spit ups and projectile vomiting...it never ends.
7. "What to do with a newborn?"
There comes a time, after a few weeks, where your newborn has some awake time where they aren't feeding. Everyone tells you how to feed and how to get a baby to sleep. No one tells you what you're supposed to do with a baby while they are awake.
8. "My baby hates tummy time."
This is one of the things they tell you to do with a baby. What they don't tell you, is that 99.9% of babies despise tummy time until after three months.
9. Online shopping.
This is not necessarily a Google search. By the time you've put the baby to sleep and had a shower from being doused in projectile vomit, you have about 30 minutes before needing to do it all again. Let's be honest, the only really productive thing you can do is online shop.
What did you Google as a new mum?
We asked The Motherish staff what their first thought was when they first saw their baby, and the answers varied significantly.